drewsant's Blog

On to part 4--and probably the worst part of my life. After 6th grade, our school district condemned the jr high school building, so they sent us to the high school in my home town in 7th and 8th grade. The school bought a chair lift for me, since the building was 3 stories, and they couldn't keep moving classes around for me anymore. Depression really kicked in in 7th grade. It seems like I wanted to cry at the drop of a hat, and felt lower than dirt. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, and I was the only person on earth with a physical disability. The blatant teasing had pretty much quit by this time, so people just started ignoring me. I drew further into my shell. I would come home every day from school, and go into my room and listen to music the entire night. I couldn't wait to get home every night. There were times that I wouldn't come out of my room for almost an entire weekend--only coming out to eat, or go to the bathroom. I was so miserable, and didn't know why. I felt like a black cloud descended on me, and would not go away. Looking back at it now, I know that part of the isolation was my own fault. When you feel that horrible about yourself, people can see it, and they feed off of it. Which in turn makes you feel worse, and it becomes a vicious cycle. But I didn't see it at the time, and didn't know how to break the cycle. I just kept going into the music to keep me going. Songs like Keep Pushin, Roll With The Changes, Ridin' the Storm Out, and Only the Strong Survive, became my mantra. These are all songs by REO Speedwagon, of which I became a diehard fan in 6th grade. I kept telling myself "if they say things are going to get better and to be strong, then I have to be strong". Sometimes these songs would just depress me even more, however, depending on how depressed I was. I would start to feel like I wouldn't ever get out of it, things would never get better, and maybe they didn't know what they were talking about. But I loved the band so much, and desperately needed to hear these positive messages, that I kept going. I really do believe that had I liked a band with not so positive messages, I probably wouldn't be here today. I was in so much pain that no one else seemed to see, that I thought I would die from the pain itself, and the only thing that eased it was REO's music. At some point when I was about 9 or 10 years old, I had quit believing in God. I thought how could a God that supposedly loves us so much, and wants us to be happy, put me through so much pain and agony? I'm not going to go into religion much, but it is important to the story to say that I was an atheist for a time. Looking back on it now, I believe that is why REO came into my life when they did. They came into my life at the beginning of the lowest time of my life, and since I didn't have faith at the time, I needed something else to believe in. I now think that God had brought REO to me as sort of a way to give me strength to get me to a place where I could start to believe in Him again. It took a long time. I can honestly say that at one point, REO saved my life. One night I was sitting in my room listening to them, and looking at a tour book of theirs. There were little write ups with each band members picture. One of them, for the bass player, said something to the effect of "if you think he sounds great on records, watch him play live". I distinctly remember thinking I would never see them play live, my life would never get better, so what was the point. I started having this debate with myself about why I should or shouldn't live. I felt totally worthless, and like absolutely no one would miss me if I died. But there was a selfish side of me that kept thinking that if I died, then I would miss the chance of seeing REO, hearing their next #1 record, getting their next album, and would definitely not ever get to meet them. For some reason, the thought of the chance of missing out on these things kept me from trying to kill myself that night. If I would have killed myself that night, I would have missed out on every single one of those things. And those things have brought me a lot of joy over the years. I have been blessed to have seen them in concert now at least 22 times to date, and I've gotten to go backstage or to meet & greets at least 15 of those times. I planned a convention for REO fans about 7 years ago, and they got to know me through that, so I've always been able to get backstage, as long as I've been able to get in contact with someone to let them know I was coming. Now, when they see me, they know me by name, and they approach me, hug me, and ask how I'm doing. It's not like a fan going to see a big rockstar, it's like I'm going to go see my friends. They consider me a friend, I think--maybe not--maybe just a fan, but I really, really appreciate and respect that they have been so approachable to me. I feel like I owe them my life, so the least I can do is respect them and appreciate the fact that they let me into their world. As a 12 year old kid, I never could have dreamed they would know who I was or care who I was. That is why I love REO so much to this day. I've taken a lot of crap from people making fun of me for liking them, but they came into my life for a reason, and for that I'm forever grateful, so make fun of me all you want! At this point in my life, when things get bad, I need to see REO perform, for stress relief. I also look forward to just getting to say hi to them and getting my "Bruce Hug" and "Neal Hug" (You probably have to be a fan to understand that!) I haven't been able to get them for a couple of years now, because I've lost touch with certain people, but hopefully next time I see them, I'll get to tell them this. I've never told them this ever, and after a band has been around for 37 years, I think they should know that they do positively affect people's lives with their music. So maybe I'll print this out and give this to them the next time I see them. If I could dedicate a song to REO to express my feelings for them, it would be Dobie Gray's "Drift Away." "And when my mind is free, you know a melody can move me. When I'm feeling blue, your guitar's comin through to sooth me. Thanks for the joy that you've given meI want you to know I belive in your songRythm and ryhme and harmonyYou helped me along, making me strong. Oh give me the beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock 'n' roll and drift away"No truer words have been written. I think I'll end this chapter here.