Frustration. All I Want Is To Be Normal
I figured it was time to vent through a blog post. Because I don't think anyone wants to keep hearing the same thing over and over again like a broken record.
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Here is a little background...
In December of 2009 I slipped on an icy driveway before work and fractured my right kneecap into 3 pieces and dislocated it up and into my quadriceps muscle. I had surgery to fix it. 6 months later I fractured it again slipping and falling on slippery concrete by a friend's pool. Ironic, right? I had surgery to fix it. Mind you it takes physical therapy to get your range of motion back and learn to walk again. So I was in PT for a year dealing with this. March 2012 I had my third knee surgery to remove 6 screws and a piece of metal called a hubcap from my kneecap. It was being rejected by my body and causing great pain and limiting my range of motion.
After I had the metal taken out (2 screws are left) I regained my ability to work out. I started lifting weights and got addicted to it. I was asked several times if I competed in the gym. I was always flattered and said no. But I really got the bug and want to compete in bikini or figure divisions. I was set on that course until I figured out I had Celiac Disease.
I was working out with my trainer and not getting anywhere with my abdomen. My diet was on point, my cardio was nailed down and I was lifting. There was no reason why I should look pregnant. So I got tested for gluten. Bam, nailed it! So gluten free diet is not so bad. Really, it is not when you consider most fitness competition prep diets are naturally gluten free. We do not eat much processed food and very little carbs during prep. Brown rice, sweet potato, tilapia, peanut butter, veggies and protein powder is pretty much what people survive on. But it's still a pain in the ass. I have cheat/treat days. I want to be normal when I'm around family. Holidays are rough. This is my first holiday season. Ironically, I used to bake a lot! I loved to bake cupcakes and bring them to work for people on their birthdays, for holidays. It brought me a lot of joy to see other people's faces light up when eating one of my creations. I enjoyed one as the taster but usually that is all I'd eat. Now with gluten-free baking you have to have a crapload of different flours. I don't have the finances after purging my kitchen to buy them all at once. So slowly I'm getting a flour at a time. So far I have white rice flour, coconut flour, xantham gum and guar gum.
The store AP mixes are appealing, but they cost a lot. I want to make my own. It will take time and money of which I have little of these days.
Back to training. I've been gluten free since October 25th. I'm still having diarrhea. In fact if I do not take my psyllium husk it is out of control with cramps that just don't go away. I was told by my doctor and by several on the forum that I need to change my training regime. What?! I do not think you understand what you are asking. I need the gym. I don't know what to do without it. This damned disease has taken over my life. I don't want to give up the only thing that brings me joy right now. I sit here at my desk between bouts of nausea and bathroom trips writing this because I called in sick today. This is a problem. I don't think I was glutened. I have gone over all the things I have eaten this weekend and everything checks out. So the only thing I can think of is that I am stressing my body too much. I get it. I do. It's like telling a smoker to quit cold turkey. I need a patch.
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