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Hiding The Symptoms

Nicki Raeleen

Entry posted by Nicki Raeleen

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My sister and I joke around a lot about the creative ways we hide our symptoms from the world. From carrying strong ass perfume, or wearing pads in our shirts, we create laughter and ideas that would send any normal person walking away shaking their head. But at what point does hiding your symptoms take every inch of strength from you?

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 I realized just how weak I was when my symptoms showed on a place I couldn’t hide… My lips. I have been diagnosed with eczema for a while now and I have found creative ways of hiding it from the world, and more importantly “those girls” when I was in high school. Just recently, however, the eczema moved to my face and the world began to fall apart.  

I had been dealing with a long list of internal undiagnosed problems along with symptoms that would make anyone cringe, but I was always able to hold down the fort with one sentence: “If I am beautiful on the outside, no one can tell how broken I am on the inside”.  What a terrible though to push through my head every morning at the age of 19, but it worked. I was confident calm and a pretty face to look at, even though 20 min earlier I was throwing up blood.

When the eczema could no longer be covered with my tricks of the trade I had a meltdown. My boyfriend held me as I blurted out “now I’m as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside”. He was shocked. He knew what I was going through on an outward level, but failed to realize the extensive damage it had done to my confidence. All he could do was hold me and listen to the sounds of me weep, until I was ready to get up and face myself again in the mirror. 

I had cracked, all of those years hiding everything came out in one sudden moment and it took everything away from me. About a week has passed from that moment and I am on medication to help my lips heal, but at what cost? When I am done, I will put an X on the bottle and throw it into the box full of empty medications. As I close the lid to that box, I will once again push all of my symptoms back into the depth of my body and out of the eyes of the public.

Looking in the mirror, every morning and telling myself, “If I am beautiful on the outside, no one can tell how broken I am on the inside”.  

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2 Comments

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ChiaChick

Nicki, You are so young to have endured so much, and I feel for you. I appreciate that you have felt a reliance on your outer beauty to keep you going. I am here to tell you though, that you are so much more than that. We all are. Your strength and character are far more important than your physical appearance, and although it is hard to feel this way at your age (I know, I have been a young female in the past), you will come to appreciate this more as time goes on. Be proud of who you are, and what you have overcome in your life thus far. I hope you are feeling better than you were when you wrote this post.

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Mike3674

Nicki, I have struggled with eczema since birth. I went through the early years of school with it all over the back of my right ear and skull. Kids used to tease me, they had no idea what it was. I didn't have many friends back then. Then it moved to the back of my head. Then to my pelvis, groin, anus... The last place I had it was deep inside my ears covering my eardrums to the point it caused terrible ear infections and made my hearing muffled.

In my early to mid-twenties it just went away and thankfully in my late 30s it still hasn't returned. I used to go to the hospital and tell the doctors exactly what I needed lol.... I know all about "the smell" and they would look at me weird when I told them that it was eczema because of the smell. It definitely has a very distinct odor that only those that have it know about.

You're 19.... If you've had it your whole life your immune system may eventually get rid of it like mine did. I used to think I was a freak as well. I was the only one in my family with this skin condition. My dad developed psoriasis in his late 30s - early 40s and then my sister developed it as well. Apparently it's genetic but I feel lucky I had it since birth so my body learned to suppress it. Luckily you are born in a time when dermatologists know exactly what eczema is. I was born in 1979. When my mom took me to the hospital they told her it was an allergic reaction to dairy. I spent my childhood drinking powdered milk :(

No matter what life throws at you somebody somewhere has it way worse... Be thankful for what you have and who you are even if you have a little bit of eczema on your lips. Life isn't over.....

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