Mind set Summary
First off, I am not depressed or suicidal just have a messed up perspective.
I have enjoyed life for awhile recently without worry, and stress. I have this perspective, I have a infection that is getting worse, drugs do not stop it, and I can not get surgery due to money. So I life life to the best trying to bucket list on a budget knowing I could die any day when it spreads to lymph or blood and reaches my brain or heart. I die naturally life insurance will pay my funeral, my will ensures that those close benefit from my belongings, my funeral is planned out wonderfully in it, and I will no longer stress my family with having to pay up for my living expenses. I just feel more freedom with the whole "I am going to die soon what does it matter" perspective and live life trying not to think of how I will feed myself next month, or what the market will be like, etc.
Life summary, bakery has sucked recently, local stores carry gluten free goods, and price wise I can not beat, only 2-3 customers will pay premium for my fresh baked goods. My food, supplement, and living expenses exceed disability and bakery income by $200-400 a month. My family is helping but I am a burden, but try to help out where I can. I have Ulcerative Colitis...look up the long term aspects for that ....yeah.
My diet is very limited, I have to eat blended liquid soft meals 2 times a day, only one semi solid meal. I love cooking for others and catering at just above my cost....I look forward to doing it gluten, corn, dairy, grain free....because I can put some to the side like meats,...and chew it and taste it making sure it is right before having to spit it in the trash knowing I can not digest it or the spices will flare my UC.
My whole food truck dream, well we now have 2 other food truck here in town....non gluten free but they would still limit customers and I can not compete locally price wise...but oh well I can not find a investor, I am broke, no credit......yeah.
My most enjoyable thing every day is helping people here on these forums, like literally it is so great knowing I at least can still help people and serve a use to society. Also I enjoy creating flavors with extracts everyday and looking forward to food holidays.
Social Anxiety and Introverted nature have gotten worse....like I require headphones to leave my safe bubble, and I have to be alone in my house for extended amounts of time to recharge. Time limit outside my home is like 4-6 hours before I start feeling anxious/cornered.
I am torn in life, I can sell some stuff and assets I have, and go 3 ways. I have one shot this year at this and have to make the choice.
1. I can fix this tooth...have miserable days without that live life for the moment knowing I will not die soon but later for autoimmune complications or random anaphylactic shock, budgeting with money slowly driving my family into the ground.
2. I can buy a motor cycle and share it with my dad, and knock one off the bucket list. Gain feeling of freedom, and save on gas money for grocery store runs.
3. I can buy some catering equipment and try to further my business in a semi futile manner and see if I can get investors for the truck showing off my skills. Perhaps flip my life?
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