Lemonade's Blog

Its 2:15 am, i am feeling reaslly restless. My body is crying out for some activity. I feel what i call SKinny fat. I feel like I am skinny but fat at the same time. I feel soft and i wanna workout and move this doggone ( this word may have been changed by editors*) body. I cannot concentrate on my school work partially to whats going on inside me but also because the blood isnt circulating as it did when i was exercising.I feel it is somewhat crucial to move and not be a bum all day long. If only the people around me expecially my mom understood this at all, and understood that iam not in the same head space as I was, and i have learned from my mistakes and iam smarter than they give me credit for. I feel better than i did however.Considering it is 2:18 am and i have more energy than at this hr than the past week . I wish i could just live my life. I feel like a robot right now. I hate doctors so much, expecially here in kingston. I have not yet met a Dr. who doggone(*) has a clue, and truely gives a damn. Kingston sucks so bad. I hate it here. Im thinking of moving back to Oakville with my dad, becaSue iam so unhappy here. I have 0 friends what so ever. I do not have a life here. I have nothing here, except for family, which lately i do not feel good about. It saddens me to say these things but i feel angry that i was taken from my hometown and put in this sucky town. If trying to make friends and have a life in the town you grew up in isnt hard enough. I miss my home. I feel lost here and no one seems to give a damn or understand this at all. I miss the way life used to be. I miss the way we all used to be. I miss my life. I miss my freedom. I dont feel taken seriously. I feel like Iam viewed as incapable of making my own life desicions and making healthy decisions on how my body feels and how i feel inside. I have learned from my past mistakes, i know it has taken me yrs to learn from them, but i feel confident that i have and i am still day by day learning. I am blessed to have a mom who bends backwards an upside down for me, but i feel cornered, trapped and smuggled and more so these past few weeks. I appreciate the love and affection but i still feel like i am viewed as the anorexic, unstable past me. I wish i could be let out of this cage. I dont know if any of this makes sense.