Ursa Major's Blog

I can't believe I actually have a blog now! People think blogs are pretty cool. I hope that makes me 'hip' and part of the cool crowd.

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So, I am worse today. I got to were I was giving up. Giving up on ever getting well, giving up on God pretty much, giving up on life in general.

As a result of that attitude, I didn't resist the new gluten-free section at my grocery store yesterday. Since I was there last, they have added a big cooler with cool gluten-free stuff , like Amy's pizza, and other stuff from Amy's, a whole lot of glutino, Schaer, Healthy Eating, Kinnikinnik, Tinkyada and other gluten-free goodies that I am INTOLERANT to. But I had the attitude of "oh well, I am so sick already, and after all, I won't eat anything containing gluten, and who cares anyway".

I bought some things without even reading the ingredients. Last night after my previous entry I ate four Kinnikinnik doughnuts. Pretty stupid, eh? Of course, the stomach cramps and diarrhea are much worse as a result.

The ingredients I shouldn't have had are: white rice flour, tapioca starch, whole eggs, palm fruit oil, pea protein, soy protein powder, soy lecithin, nutmeg, cinnamon. That's about three quarters of the ingredients. Yikes, I just decided to read them. I think I will send the remaining doughnuts to my daughter with the wheat intolerance tomorrow, when my husband goes to help her move.

That is something that has me upset, too. They are moving from being 'only' 1 1/2 hours away by car to being 4 1/2 hours away, south west from here. And that is in the opposite direction to our oldest daughter, who lives a 5 1/2 hours drive north east from us. So, now in order to see any of my grandchildren, I have to do major traveling, which is very hard for me with my low energy. I won't just be able to go and see that cute little Zoey on the spur of the moment any more, it will take overnight traveling now. It sure sucks.

I've done some major thinking while sitting in the bathroom for an hour this morning, and last night in bed while not being able to sleep. Satan is setting everything against me, and his goal is for me to give up. Will I actually let him win without a formidable fight? No way! I will keep fighting and doing my best to get well, and to be the best I can be for Jesus.

It is hard. Right now my husband's obsession seems to be to find literature (books, magazines, on the Internet) that shows that all physical 'ailments' are spiritual. And he will read those accounts of people who were really sick with cancer, or fibromylgia like symptoms, or aches all over etc., and that when those people 'turned to Jesus' and 'got into the word' and started to really pray, they were healed. And if I would just stop all this 'useless medical research' and would stop being on this forum and would rather read the bible and pray a lot, all my 'ailments' would just go away, and I should expect a miracle of healing.

One thing he fails to take into account is, that my 'ailments' are genetic, not something that nobody has been able to pinpoint a real cause for, like cancer and fibro. Also, those miracles are not common, and actually very few people get healed that way. He really has to search for these stories to find them amongst the many were God chose not to heal people.

Another thing is, of course, that he resents the money I am spending on doctors and treatments, to try and get well. That money could be better spent, in his opinion. He makes me feel like a horrible burden.

I used to be able to talk to our son. Not any more. He now has him turned against me as well, and got the kid to believe that he is the good guy in this relationship, and I just try to make him look bad. In fact, it appears that our son now believes that I am under the influence of demons as well. And of course, my husband seriously thinks he is perfect, a chosen vessel of God. Right. All he is, is a puffed up, hypocritical, phariseeical, fanatical and delusional, heartless jerk of a so-called Christian. A pillar of the community, looking good, with a heart of stone. He has deceived just about everybody, including our four oldest children. Only the youngest one sees through him. She told him point blank twice last week that what he was doing to me was abuse. Of course, he just laughs at her. Who will listen to a 15 year old? He claims she hates him right now, because, according to him, all teenagers say that, and it's normal. No, it isn't the normal way our girl is at all.

Right now I am reading a book with the title 'Waking the Dead' by John Eldredge. It talks about 'losing heart', and gives examples of people giving up and the reason for it. And how you can change your attitude to get out of that giving up mode. It talks about our Christian life to be a war against evil forces. It all makes great sense.

I got great encouragement from this book, it is very helpful.

I am not mentioning any family names (other than little children) here, so a google search won't find this blog when putting in certain names. I hope it works to keep me safe.

Talking about little children, my youngest grandson, who is two, is just really starting to talk. When I talked with him on the phone the other day, the kids were really supposed to be in bed. But he, his baby sister and his oldest sister were still up. When he wants to make a negative statement, he'll make a positive one, and just add 'no' at the end.

So, he told me, "Oma, Meghan is in bed. Emily is in bed, no!" I thought it was very cute.

Right now I am making myself something safe to eat. Even though I am sick, if I don't look after myself and cook for myself (doubled over in pain), nobody will. That is one of the reasons I gave in to temptation with the doughnuts. I was hungry, and too sick to cook. It's always been this way. Apparently, if I can't work and cook for the family, I am not worthy of being fed. I then better fend for myself. If I can't get up, I don't eat. It's the rare time that this isn't true.

But even if my family treats me like I am just a lazy hypochondriac, God knows it isn't true. That is what really counts. And I will stand on that fact, and not lose heart, and look after myself the best I can. No more eating stuff that makes me sick.