Why Are People So Mean?

[Lollie]

I don't understand why people are so mean about this....not being able to eat gluten?

It seems that some-how, me not being able to eat gluten is an attack on them. Specifically, my mom. I accidentally glutened myself last night.....and I felt awful last night and today. I talked to my mom this morning, and tried to explain what I think I ate that made me sick. My mom just said, "If you don't stop, there isn't going to be anything you can eat." Well, needless to say, that made me feel like she thinks I'm just making this all up. I can't believe how bad this hurts. And this time, I mean emotionally. The physical pain is something I have already lived with for 10 years and have learned to deal the best I can. But, the idea that my mom thinks I'm just mental, well, I can only say that I'm here typing in tears.

I have tried everything I can to educate her. I have given her literature, printed out articles, and tried to just explain it to her, but it all seems futile. I know my mom thinks I need to see a psychologist, when I know I have a disease. A disease I would rather not have. A disease that I wouldn't wish on anybody else. All the implications of going gluten-free have been hard, but todays takes the cake....really.

Thanks for reading.

-Lollie

[ravenwoodglass]

I don't understand why people are so mean about this....not being able to eat gluten?

It seems that some-how, me not being able to eat gluten is an attack on them. Specifically, my mom. I accidentally glutened myself last night.....and I felt awful last night and today. I talked to my mom this morning, and tried to explain what I think I ate that made me sick. My mom just said, "If you don't stop, there isn't going to be anything you can eat." Well, needless to say, that made me feel like she thinks I'm just making this all up. I can't believe how bad this hurts. And this time, I mean emotionally. The physical pain is something I have already lived with for 10 years and have learned to deal the best I can. But, the idea that my mom thinks I'm just mental, well, I can only say that I'm here typing in tears.

I have tried everything I can to educate her. I have given her literature, printed out articles, and tried to just explain it to her, but it all seems futile. I know my mom thinks I need to see a psychologist, when I know I have a disease. A disease I would rather not have. A disease that I wouldn't wish on anybody else. All the implications of going gluten-free have been hard, but todays takes the cake....really.

Thanks for reading.

-Lollie

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I have both had a Mom and been a Mom and 'we' can be hard to deal with at times. You have no way of knowing for sure why she is reacting this way, try not to take it too much to heart. The only thing I can suggest is not to discuss it with her anymore, hard as that may be. Talk to her about anything but. And please bear in mind that if you are recently glutened that much of your mood may be because of that. Do something for you today if you can and I hope you feel better soon.

[happygirl]

Hey Laura (from another Laura),

I'm sorry to hear that your mom is being "less than supportive." How frustrating for you when you are trying to cope with it yourself. Like you need someone else's issues to deal with, right!!

Everyone on this board knows that someone with Celiac is NOT making this up, it is not in their head, etc.... who would want this?! So at the very least, you have people on here who can, unfortunately, symphathize.

I don't have any real great advice. Have you tried asking her why she is so rude and non-supportive (i.e., have you just flat out called her out on it, asked her why she does not support you, etc.) Try putting your foot down....what do you have to lose at this point? She's already driving you insane

I hope that your day gets better......

[Lollie]

I'm a mom, too! I know my mom just doesn't understand all this. I wish she did. I try not to call attention to myself, but my mom always asks. Then it's hard to divert the questions, and I want to talk to her because she is my mom. Honestly, at 32, you would think I would get over wanting my mom to make me all better. I guess she is over it. Anyway, I will take your advice and try to talk to her about anything else. But as far as doing something for myself....a little harder with my little ones.

Thanks for the response!

-Lollie

[WGibs]

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lollie. That does hurt.

What I've figured out to avoid these situations is that I've learned which people are understanding, and believe in things like gluten intolerance. I look to them for support, and I also share my excitement with them when I'm doing better. For people who don't quite buy it, I just stick to the story that it's really not hard to avoid gluten, and I feel so much better, so why would I fight that? I don't even share the less rosy side of the picture, which is that I still feel sick sometimes, and still wonder if gluten is really the answer (I know I feel better, but I don't yet feel great all the time) Anyway, if I give them a picture of no sacrifice and a huge gain, they can hardly accuse me of being crazy. And in fact, my parents and family, who I expected to be a complete drag about it, are really approving at this point. I think sometimes it helps to protect yourself by realizing people's limitations and not expecting them to be something that they aren't. It's not easy, but I think it's easier than fighting them.

I think you've said in another post that you have a very supportive husband? Be grateful for him. I apologize if I'm thinking of someone else...

Also, remember that you have a support network of thousands here on the boards! Bring the crummy stuff to us!

[Lollie]

Thanks Laura, I must have been responding at the same time! I have not called her out on this....I'm kind of a wimp. I just try to leave, get off the phone, or whatever. My mom is not too easy to deal with, and if confronted, she is like a pit-bull. (I've seen her in action) I love my mom, but I'd rather not get into any kind of a confrontation with her. But you do sound like my husband, he gets very irritated with her about this exact same kind of thing.

I can't tell you how nice it is to have a group to come to and tell this kind of stuff. I know you guys really understand!

Thanks-Lollie

[tiredofdoctors]

I DON'T understand why people can be so mean. I have been very lucky that my family (mom, dad, sister & kids) have been supportive. What is interesting to me, though, is that birthdays are a HUGE deal for us. It is YOUR day. As supportive as my family has been, I still haven't been able to "partake" during the celebration, because they serve regular cake and ice cream which is questionable for gluten. Then they say "I guess you don't want any." I just shake my head "no". THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTIVE!

Perhaps you can show your mom one of your books about either Celiac or gluten-free food. Maybe if she gets more educated, she'll stop with the "barbs". Good luck to you . . . Lynne

[jenvan]

Lollie-

I wish your mom would get it... It sounds like she can be hard to deal with, but if you're up for it, I'd say try and gently, yet firmly lay it out for her. Tell her how her tone and words make you feel, that her support is important to you. If you try and its no help, you may need to set boundaries with her. That can be harder up front, but easier in the long run... It can be sad to set up boundaries with someone we care about, but sometimes there are certain places we can't go with other people b/c of how they continue to respond or treat us. It would be very disappointing not to be able to share this experience and all it entails with my mom...but if discussing it with her upset me, I would probably try and steer clear of the subject in conversation or try not to go there in person. Make sense? Good luck and hope she comes around in a spirit of compassion for you.

[Lollie]

It is me with the great husband....believe me, if it were not for him.....I just don't know!

I will try to do better not to talk to my mom as much. It is really hard because me and my mom are really close (usually) we are together alot. And just as a side bar....my dad passed away only 4 months ago. I have kind of taken the place as my mom's compainion, and we're still figuring out what our boundaries should be.. She's in need alot and kind of lost, with out my dad. We nursed him together for just under a year, so our relationship has definantly been streched. I think she just wants everthing to be normal, and me figuring out the gluten, just seems like too much for her. At least that's what I think as I type this.

-Thanks, Lollie

[jkmunchkin]

Hey Lollie,

I'm sorry to hear your mom is reacting this way, when obviously you want and need her support. I guess the best I can suggest is let your husband and all of us be your support. It's difficult when someone you would count on automatically to help you through this doesn't react the way you would hope or expect, but unfortunately you're put yourself through more grief trying to change her reaction.

We're all here for you!

[francelajoie]

Did your mom spend days with you when your were sick? I mean, my mom has seen me run to the bathroom like 20 times a day. She knows there was definatly something wrong with me. I got diagnosed after I moved to Massachusetts. I'm from New Brunswick Canada. Now, when I visit, She brings me to the Saturday morning market cause they serve a nice gluten free breakfast there, plus she loves putting all sorts or Gluten free stuff in the house. She knows it makes me happy.

She's the best

[tarnalberry]

It's tough when we don't get the acceptance we want from a parent. But they are human, and have the same failings our friends do. You may never get the acceptance and recognition that this is real that you want from her, and if that's the case, as long as you expect it, you'll be disapointed - and since it's your mom letting you down, you'll be hurt too. I'm sorry it's happening. :-(

[Lollie]

My mom has seen me sick- especially about 10 years ago when I missed a semester of college. At that time she sent me to a GI and I was diagnosed with ulcers, gastritis, and burning of the esophagus. They put me on prilosec and said deal. My mom dealt well then, but she too has had ulcers as did my grandparents. So I think she just felt like it runs in the family. The problem is, that all though the medicine helped, I never felt good. Always fatigued, IBS issues, ect.... My mom couldn't understand it. Then when they removed my gallbladder a year and a half ago, we all thought that was the root of the problem. But within a month or two I was sick again. With all the stress of my fathers illness, I just chalked it up to stress and took double the nexium, I was now on. My mom was the one who kept saying I needed to go see a specialist again, since I wasn't getting better. I resisted because I figured that they would just tell me the same stuff they had for the past 10 years. But, after my dad died in Sept., my New Years resolution was to get well! My hubby found out about celiac, got tested, nothing was definitive, but the diet helped, so after reading all of your testimonials, I figure I'm gluten sensitive. So that's our history, sorry this is so long.... but as you can see, it is hard to know if I really am gluten sensitive, or if its in my head. And that's where mom's comments come into play. I already question all of this, and her comments just reinforce my insecurities.

I guess I will heed the advice and try not to talk to her about all this.

Thanks-Lollie

[zip2play]

My mom just said, "If you don't stop, there isn't going to be anything you can eat."

That is exactly what my Mom and others have said to me! Yes, it hurts. I agree with the others, we merely need to surround ourselves with those that do understand. Especially in the beginning! But know that all of us here know what you are speaking of and have, most likely, had the same issue.

One of these days, they will all understand!

I always try to describe it as, if someone had a peanut allergy, you would NEVER tell them it won't hurt to have a little, because we all know it would. This is the same, just not as immediately life threatening!

Monica

[Guest larry]

Lollie,

This sounds like one of those situations when you just have to wait for people to understand your point. You don't have to change your eating habits for anyone except yourself.

[jnifred]

You know, I would jsut start making things to take to her house that you CAN eat and then she will see that you can eat just about anything that is not processed, and it is just plain healthier. I have honestly not found it that hard to eat gluten free. Basic things like using cornstarch to thicken instead of flour, is just easy and not a big deal. Eat more fresh fruit and veggies, basic things the way God made them. If you have other intolerances, (ie: egg, dairy, etc.) I can understand it would be much more difficult, but I can put a homemade cheese sauce on anything and make a casserole, or side dish that is not much different than I made before. A few alterations to some recipes and ziiiipppppp, its gluten-free and most times no one even notices.

So you can't eat canned soups. They aren't healthy anyway. You can eat any kind of fresh meat, grilled, baked, roasted, fresh or frozen veggies sauted with some butter and maybe white wine, or garlic, potatoes, rice.......as far as sweet stuff goes, I have found lots to satisfy me. The Namaste mixes are incredible, pies are a cinch with Gluten-Free Pantry pie crust. I even make crackers out of Chebe mixes and have friends who can eat anything ASKING me to make and bring those to gatherings b/c they are so good.

I understand the frustration of not having support from someone like your mom. My DH wasn't completely on-board until about a month after I went gluten-free. I still have to deal with him not understanding WHY I don't bake "normal" things for him and the kids like I used to, but if I can't eat it, I am NOT baking it. And besides that, I threw out all my flour and refuse to have it in my kitchen anymore. So I do have some understanding of how hard it is, I am actually dreading the time when my in-laws come to visit, or we visit them and I have to try to explain it to them. They are going to give me grief, but OH WELL, I feel so much better and don't care what they think.

I started this in October, and my tests were inconclusive also, but I have responded incredibly well to the diet and that is good enough for me. It would be nice to have a firm diagnosis so that I can defend it to my in-laws better, but it's not gonna happen, as I will not eat that much gluten for 3 months just to have a diagnosis so someone else leaves me alone. I have to take care of my family and in order to do that I have to feel well, and in order to do that I can't eat gluten.

Hang in there and if you can't confront her about her negative attitude, then I say put on a happy face, find someone else who is willing to listen to you when you have a grumpy day and make her think you are on top of the world. Oh, and seriously, start cooking and taking over your own food and make it DELICIOUS, so that she wants it.....

[Lollie]

I did make some bread and take it over right after I went gluten-free. I was trying to show her I could still have bread, because she seemed more upset then me about no more bagels. I have made some great brownies, but she's diabetic, so wouldn't try them.

I am trying to surround myself with positive people. I just do not have a real circle of friends. I guess being a stay at home mom, kind of narrowed my "friends" down. I have been with my mom so much, I just tend to think of her first. I will try to come to you guys first, from now on. I will also try to keep the happy face on when I am with the family. I have a birthday party this weekend-at my mom's- for my brother. I am not particularly looking forward to it, but maybe they will let me make the cake. We'll see!

I really do appreciate all of you. Thanks.

-Lollie

[ravenwoodglass]

Then it's hard to divert the questions, and I want to talk to her because she is my mom. Honestly, at 32, you would think I would get over wanting my mom to make me all better. I guess she is over it.

-Lollie

The problem may be that she is actually far from over it. She obviously cares but it can be hard when we can't do anything to help our children. It may also be hard to for her to deal with the genetic aspects of it. I know it was hard for me to deal with my kids getting this from my genetic soup. You've gotten a lot of good insight from a lot of folks, we all have to deal with this at times, I hope things improve soon for you.

[jerseyangel]

Lollie--I identify with you on quite a few levels. Everyone has given you such good advice and support. I just want to add that I understand how hurtful it is when the people closest to you don't seem to want to understand. I have a wonderfully supportive husband, but not everyone in my life gets it--or even makes an effort. Take comfort in the people who do support you--and remember, we've got your back

[Guest MyKidsMom]

Lollie,

I, too, understand a lot of your situation. I spend a lot of time with my mom b/c I am a stay-at-home mom, too. She is supportive, but she keeps trying to get me to see her "doctor" who she is convinced can cure me. Early on in my marriage my husband told me I had to set boundaries with my mom or not hang around with her because I was driving him crazy letting her upset me all the time. It was the second hardest thing to do, the first, being a mommy. But my husband's advice was the best and now my mom and I have a better relationship. Note I didn't say great. I still have to continue to set boundaries with her. She is very controlling and manipulative.

I don't care about not eating gluten, I care about not feeling good. I want to be an active mommy. I have two young kids and have decided no more b/c I don't want to pass on these genes, either.

Try to focus on being thankful for your husband - thank God for them! I, too, am having a hard time this weekend staying positive!

Take care!

[jkmunchkin]

I have a birthday party this weekend-at my mom's- for my brother. I am not particularly looking forward to it, but maybe they will let me make the cake. We'll see!.

Screw letting them let you make the cake, just make one!!!! And when they see it can taste just as good as their gluten filled cake maybe it will help them accept it a tad more that you are just doing what your body needs and this doesn't make you a lepper(sp?). I highly reccomend Namaste chocolate cake mix. Nobody will know the difference. Good luck!!!

[Lollie]

Screw letting them let you make the cake, just make one!!!! And when they see it can taste just as good as their gluten filled cake maybe it will help them accept it a tad more that you are just doing what your body needs and this doesn't make you a lepper(sp?). I highly reccomend Namaste chocolate cake mix. Nobody will know the difference. Good luck!!!

You know, I am going to make the cake!!!! It's always been my job before.....I'll just continue!!

Thanks alot! I'm so glad I've got such a good support net work now!

-Lollie

You sound just like my husband!!! I mean it in a good way. I know in the past when I have set better boundaries with my mom, we always get along better. I will get back on it. I think the effcts of the gluten yesterday, are finally starting to subside! I'm actually feeling better now on both fronts!

Thanks for the advice and the support!!!

-Lollie

[floridanative]

I don't know your mom but in my case my own mom was so concerned about my biopsy results that I wondered why she kept pestering until I got the dx. When I finally called her back to tell her of my positive dx for celiac disease it was interesting to figure out that she thought if I had it she was sure she did too. Do you think your mom doesn't want to acknowledge your condition because she (1) doesn't want to be the one who passed the gene to you or (2)she doesn't want to think she might have it too? Just something to consider.

[Rusla]

Lollie,

I am sorry your mother is not getting this. Some people are afraid of the unknown and it is better to bury their heads in the sand than seeing things for what it really is. My worry was my mother also but I did it in a way she could really understand. I used her medication, without it she could die. I told her I would eat a little gluten if she would not take her medicine for a week.

[jkmunchkin]

You know, I am going to make the cake!!!! It's always been my job before.....I'll just continue!!

Thanks alot! I'm so glad I've got such a good support net work now!

Good for you!!! It really put a smile on my face to read that. Let us know how it goes.

If you can't find the Namaste cake mix, I've also used the Gluten Free Pantry one which is really good. And I've heard of people using like a cherry yogurt to give it a little extra zing.