My Adult daughter is blaming me for her "possible" Celiac disease.

[Marie70]

Hello,

My mid twenties daughter is blaming my husband and I for her celiac disease.  She has not been diagnosed at all, but GOOGLE has informed her she has it.  She is going to go get tested now, but my question is, did we?  I was not the best cook while she was growing up and often made quick processed food for meals.  She is blaming us for what she ate growing up and is angry that we didn't feed her better.  I don't know how to react and all I could tell her was I was sorry.  Her older brother has Crohn's disease and he was diagnosed as a teenager.  She is also furious with us that we didn't change his diet either.  I don't know why I didn't and I am having so much guilt I don't even know how to handle this situation.  Both sides of our family have a history of IBS, Celiac and Crohn's disease.  

I guess I just wanted to hear from anyone out there that can either point blame at me (I can accept it) or tell me that the food she ate growing up didn't have an affect on her.  I am thinking it most likely did.

Thank you,

Marie

[Scott Adams]

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of guilt, but please know that you didn’t cause your daughter’s potential celiac disease or your son’s Crohn’s. These conditions have strong genetic components, and while diet can influence symptoms, it does not cause autoimmune diseases. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time, and no parent is perfect. Your daughter’s frustration is understandable, but it’s likely coming from a place of fear and uncertainty rather than true blame. Let her get tested, and if she does have celiac disease, you can support her moving forward. Instead of focusing on guilt, try shifting the conversation toward healing and learning together. You’re not alone, and you don’t deserve to carry this weight on your own.

This article might be helpful. She needs to be screened for celiac disease before she can be sure that she has it. Another approach not discussed in the article is a genetic test for celiac disease, which she could do without eating gluten.

 

 

 

[trents]

Welcome to the forum, @Marie70!

The first thing to know is that celiac disease has a genetic base. The two main genes that have been identified as providing the potential to develop celiac disease are HLA-DQ2 and HLA-DQ8. About 40% of  the general population carries one or both of these genes. However, only about 1% of the general population ever develops celiac disease. So, we know that in addition to possessing the genetic potential to develop celiac disease, there has to be some triggering environmental or medical "stress" factor (or factors) that switches the gene or genes on such that they are awakened from their latent condition and become active. What may be the triggering factor (or factors) is the subject of much debate. Here is an article that discusses this subject:

Second, what will your daughter have to say if her testing for celiac disease is negative? She may have to add crow to her diet.

Third, and this is what I really want to focus on because my wife and I are dealing with something similar in our relationship with our own adult daughter: the real problem is not whatever shortcomings you, as the family cook, may have had when providing meals, the real problem is with your daughter's heart/soul/attitude. If it turns out to be true that she has celiac disease, it is likely she would have developed the condition sooner or later even if her diet had been healthier while growing up. She is angry about the prospect of having to deal with the dietary and social limitations that having celiac disease would impose upon her. She doesn't want to face up to the fact that this may be a new reality that will dramatically changer her life and she is looking for someone or something to blame. And she has conveniently turned her wrath on you rather than saying to herself, "Okay, this is what it is. Now what can I do to make adjustments in order to with it the best way I can?" 

When faced with a life-changing reality, people will either accept it for what it is, make adjustments and move on or they will become angry and look for something or someone to blame and get stuck. For now, at least, your daughter has chosen the latter option. Don't let her problem destroy both of you.

[cristiana]

Hi Marie

Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry your daughter is pointing the finger at you like this.   I am afraid children of any age can be very cruel to their parents - I certainly look back at some of the things I said to my mother and father in the past, and wish I could unsay them.  Sometimes people just need a safe place to vent, and unfortunately having a go at one's parents is the all too easy option.  If she is anything like me, she will regret what she says one day.  (Oh... if only I had the chance rewind the clock!)

I just wanted to add one more thing to Trent's and Scott's excellent posts and that is regarding diet:  I have to say, not one person  (my nutritionist, my gastroenterologist or GP) has EVER suggested that a poor diet was the cause of my coeliac disease.   

In all the various clinics I have attended these past nearly 12 years no-one has ever asked if I was brought up on processed food, or questioned if I eat 5 fruit and veg a day. 

Sure, unfortunately I am only too well aware that I could do a lot better with my diet and it's a constant challenge for me not to give into what I like (unfortunately I've always had a sweet tooth).   But I know some super healthy 10 fruit and veg a day types who still got coeliac disease, and equally, a lot of people who eat all the wrong stuff and they still have cast iron stomachs.

Do encourage her to get checked though - it may be that she hasn't got coeliac disease at all.

Come back to us if you need any more support through the process.

Cristiana

Edited February 6 by cristiana

[Marie70]

Wow!! Scott, Trent and Christiana thank you so much for your fast replies!! The information you have shared with me has helped me tremendously.   Thank you for all the articles.  I appreciate you all so much!! I’ll keep you posted in this post.  I will encourage her to get tested.  I feel a little better!

[cristiana]

You are most welcome, Marie.  Thank you for getting in touch, because this sort of post will be seen by other parents who find themselves in this position, I am sure there are many.   And as I say, in the long run, I am sure your daughter will be sorry for what she said. 

I remember having a go at my dear Mum when I was in my twenties about something and then apologising, saying, "I don't know how you put up with me."  I can't remember her exact words but it was something along the lines of, "I used to say things like to my Mum.  Now it's my turn [to be on the receiving end]!"    😂  Although it isn't very nice to be on the receiving end, it is good your daughter feels safe to say these things to you.

We look forward to hearing from you again in due course.  

[trents]

@Marie70, it is very important that your daughter not begin experimenting with eating gluten free until all testing for celiac disease is complete. Doing so will invalidate the testing. Normally, the testing involves two stages. The first stage is blood antibody testing as per the article linked by Scott above. As you can see from the article, there are a number of tests that can be ordered when diagnosing celiac disease but most physicians will not order a complete panel. At the very minimum, your daughter should request two antibody tests, "total IGA" and "tTG-IGA". The tTG-IGA is considered the centerpiece of celiac disease testing but if total IGA is low (i.e., if she is IGA deficient), this will result in an artificially low tTG-IGA score and possibly a false negative. Many general practitioners are not very knowledgeable about celiac disease testing so we have found we have to be a little assertive in order to get proper testing done. I don't know under the relational circumstances how much input you will have with your daughter about these things but I thought I'd pass the info on to you anyway.

The second stage of celiac disease testing involves an endoscopy with biopsy of the small bowel lining which is then sent to a lab for microscopic analysis. This checks for damage to the small bowel lining and is confirmation if any of the blood antibody tests are positive. It is also considered to be the gold standard of celiac disease diagnosis. Again, should her antibody testing be positive, your daughter would still need to be consuming gluten until after the endoscopy/biopsy is complete.