Holidays Are Tough - Feeling Sorry For Myself

[Guest cassidy]

I spent the weekend at our family's condo on the beach. The first night everyone ordered pizza. Pizza is my favorite food ever. Papa John's is my favorite kind and that is exactly what they got. I've been gluten-free for 6 months, and my husband hasn't ordered a pizza during that time. It doesn't bother me when he eats frozen pizza or restaurant pizza, but Papa John's is my favorite. I had to leave. I took a walk on the beach and cried. Watching them eat Papa John's pizza was hard. About as hard as not having someone make a gluten-free birthday cake while I watched everyone eat the non-gluten-free birthday cake at my birthday. It isn't even the food it is the fact that I'm feeling left out and they don't seem to understand.

I just wish I could be normal and eat things that everyone else is eating. I know I'm lucky that this is all that is wrong with me, but I still wish it didn't affect my entire life.

[Ursa Major]

Cassidy, I understand why you would be upset. I think it is VERY insensitive for them not to have made sure you had some gluten-free pizza while they had theirs (of course, you could have made sure you had some, too). But it must have been extremely upsetting for you when on your OWN birthday they gave you a regular birthday cake and ate it in front of you! That is almost unbelievable, I know I would have cried!

Next year you need to tell your husband ahead of time that you don't want a birthday party unless your cake is gluten-free, so you can eat it, too. Let him know you were very upset by not getting a cake you could eat, and that also, when everybody else is having pizza, you would like something nice to eat, too.

It seems that nobody considers your feelings and just doesn't understand. Maybe you need to explain it to them? Unless you tell them how you feel, they don't know. Some people are dense when it comes to feelings (especially men).

[taz sharratt]

I spent the weekend at our family's condo on the beach. The first night everyone ordered pizza. Pizza is my favorite food ever. Papa John's is my favorite kind and that is exactly what they got. I've been gluten-free for 6 months, and my husband hasn't ordered a pizza during that time. It doesn't bother me when he eats frozen pizza or restaurant pizza, but Papa John's is my favorite. I had to leave. I took a walk on the beach and cried. Watching them eat Papa John's pizza was hard. About as hard as not having someone make a gluten-free birthday cake while I watched everyone eat the non-gluten-free birthday cake at my birthday. It isn't even the food it is the fact that I'm feeling left out and they don't seem to understand.

I just wish I could be normal and eat things that everyone else is eating. I know I'm lucky that this is all that is wrong with me, but I still wish it didn't affect my entire life.

im sorry for what im about to say but " what poop HEADS" that stinks. talk about "peeing on your own chips" just a sying here.

[Green12]

I spent the weekend at our family's condo on the beach. The first night everyone ordered pizza. Pizza is my favorite food ever. Papa John's is my favorite kind and that is exactly what they got. I've been gluten-free for 6 months, and my husband hasn't ordered a pizza during that time. It doesn't bother me when he eats frozen pizza or restaurant pizza, but Papa John's is my favorite. I had to leave. I took a walk on the beach and cried. Watching them eat Papa John's pizza was hard. About as hard as not having someone make a gluten-free birthday cake while I watched everyone eat the non-gluten-free birthday cake at my birthday. It isn't even the food it is the fact that I'm feeling left out and they don't seem to understand.

I just wish I could be normal and eat things that everyone else is eating. I know I'm lucky that this is all that is wrong with me, but I still wish it didn't affect my entire life.

I completely understand your feelings! I felt this way not too long ago when I went out of town with my whole family and my "special" food was not available. I sat in a restaurant and watched them eat all of this yummy stuff and it made me feel like I was on the outside looking in, and kind of abnormal. And I agree it isn't necessarily about the food, but the disconnect from the social element that surrounds the food. And I think this is so magnified at the holidays and special ocasions.

[Daxin]

Um....wow!!

I LOVE pizza as well, and I can not imagine how you felt.

I don't blame you for begin upset. I think that for next year, suggest a menu change, or tell your DH how you felt so he can help bring some understanding to family.

Hope you feel better soon.

[shai76]

I guess a lot of us here can relate to that. I'm sorry you felt left out. I think you should talk to them and let them know how it hurt your feelings. Maybe they will make it up to you somehow.

I hate feelings left out, I have been dealing with that more lately since being diagnosed with at least a dozen food allergies and EE, some of them airborn anaphelectic food allergies (which means I can't even go into a restaurant or another persons kitchen, or even be around other people eating). The one that has me most worried is Thanksgiving. I'm, allergic to turkey and wheat and stuff, but I want to be there with my family when they all get together. I can't really expect them not to eat turkey or stuffing. I don't know what I am going to do. It's very depressing. I guess most celiacs have to deal with not eating turkey eith family too, since it's normally cooked with stuffing. :/

Just hang in there. Even if they don't get it when you talk to them, it's just that they don't understand. Usually people never understand unless they have to live with it. Your husband should really make an extra effort for you though.

[Green12]

I guess a lot of us here can relate to that. I'm sorry you felt left out. I think you should talk to them and let them know how it hurt your feelings. Maybe they will make it up to you somehow.

I hate feelings left out, I have been dealing with that more lately since being diagnosed with at least a dozen food allergies and EE, some of them airborn anaphelectic food allergies (which means I can't even go into a restaurant or another persons kitchen, or even be around other people eating). The one that has me most worried is Thanksgiving. I'm, allergic to turkey and wheat and stuff, but I want to be there with my family when they all get together. I can't really expect them not to eat turkey or stuffing. I don't know what I am going to do. It's very depressing. I guess most celiacs have to deal with not eating turkey eith family too, since it's normally cooked with stuffing. :/

Just hang in there. Even if they don't get it when you talk to them, it's just that they don't understand. Usually people never understand unless they have to live with it. Your husband should really make an extra effort for you though.

I agree that talking with your family about how you feel would be helpful, they may not even realize how hurt you are. I would also suggest getting involved and taking your own food. Take your ow pizza and eat it right along with them for starters!

[hez]

For me this is the worst part of celiac. That felling that I am different. The looking on as everyone enjoys themselves and not able to participate. The hurt feelings and no one seeming to understand. I wish I could say that I have figured it out, but I haven't. I do try and make sure I have food wherever we go but it is difficult. Sending hugs your way.

Hez

[floridanative]

After being gluten free six months, I've learned not to expect anyone but my husband to consider my dietary needs/restrictions. This way, I'm not dissappointed when people are thoughtless. I'm lucky in that my SIL is very thoughtful so when we visited them this past weekend, there was plenty of food there for me to eat and the only thing we had at a meal that I couldn't have was some rice but I'd brought my own yellow rice and mine looked better than theirs. It does not bother me when people eat things I can't have in front of me but that's just me. My sister called to tell me about a restaurant her family ate at in N. GA and she litterally said 'we went to a place where you could never ever go for dinner' and proceeded to tell me how they ate fried everything. I don't really care for fried foods so I don't miss it since I rarely ate it in the first place. But I did think her comment was rather rude because I never told her it doesn't bother me and that I really don't miss much regarding gluten containing foods. I think in general people are not thinking about gluten unless they have Celiac so we can't expect even our families to understand what our new life is like.

But I agree with the others above who said you may want to at least tell your family how they made you feel because I do think what they did was particularly rude. And in the future, make sure you take you own Chebe pizza mix (or whatever pizza you like) so you're prepared in the event that everyone orders pizza you can't have again. And the cake thing is really unacceptable and I'm wondering what they were thinking - having gluten cake on your b-day? That one you need to address and if they don't 'get it' then, spend your b-day with people who do.

[Guest nini]

gosh, I am still amazed by the insensitivity of some people, especially those that are supposed to be closest to us (our family) and they don't seem to "get it"... they should have at the very least asked if you minded... and it would have been nice to give you an opportunity to have your own gluten-free pizza... I kwym about Papa John's being your favorite... mine too... and I cried the first time that my hubby ordered a pizza and it was Papa John's... after I went gluten-free... I was very angry at him, but I also was at my own home AND had my own gluten-free pizza that I was able to pop in the oven and enjoy.

as far as your birthday goes, that was just unnacceptable for them to have a gluten cake for YOUR birthday and you couldn't even enjoy it. For my birthday, my mom told me that she didn't trust herself to make my cake right, so she let me know ahead of time that if I wanted cake I would have to make it myself... I did, and everyone enjoyed my cake... it sucks that we can't expect others to jump right in and try to make gluten-free cakes for us, but learning the ins and outs of this diet can be overwhelming and people who don't have to live with it day in and day out, just can't be expected to understand... it's nice when someone DOES get it and understand, but we just can't expect it...

[L.A.]

I spent the weekend at our family's condo on the beach. The first night everyone ordered pizza. Pizza is my favorite food ever. Papa John's is my favorite kind and that is exactly what they got. I've been gluten-free for 6 months, and my husband hasn't ordered a pizza during that time. It doesn't bother me when he eats frozen pizza or restaurant pizza, but Papa John's is my favorite. I had to leave. I took a walk on the beach and cried. Watching them eat Papa John's pizza was hard. About as hard as not having someone make a gluten-free birthday cake while I watched everyone eat the non-gluten-free birthday cake at my birthday. It isn't even the food it is the fact that I'm feeling left out and they don't seem to understand.

I just wish I could be normal and eat things that everyone else is eating. I know I'm lucky that this is all that is wrong with me, but I still wish it didn't affect my entire life.

We all know where you're coming from I live in Canada and our big holiday is July 1st. We went to a family bbq and i brought my own food but made it to fit what i knew they would be serving. Also i have gotten really good at making gluten-free desserts and so i brought a Canada Day Flag cake and it was devoured. This requires a lot of planning and gone are the days of going out to eat and not having to cook for myself anymore. I think holidays are the hardest. If you want, email me and i will send you some great gluten-free recipes for cakes (very yummy) Hugs. L.A.

[wolfie]

((((HUGS))))) It is hard in those situations. I agree about talking to your family and letting them know how you feel. I just got back from vacation with our family and extended family and it is hard when you are the only one with restrtictions. I did make sure that I had plenty of food that I could eat, though, so if there was a situation where they all had something I couldn't have, I wouldn't feel left out. It takes a lot of preplanning, but it is worth it to me. I also don't expect others to have food that I can eat, so I won't be disappointed if there isn't anything for me.

[Kathy Blackwood]

I'm new to this board, but received a definitive diagnosis about 2 years ago, but had self diagnosed about a year before that.

I understand the frustrations during holiday times. I find it even more frustrating when I have to attend 'pot lucks' at work or training sessions where there's a lunch or dinner provided. My close family and friends are very supportive and understand, however, pot lucks are very dangerous simply because no matter how supportive people are, they don't realize, some sauces or salad dressings have gluten in them. And you can't go round asking everyone, what's in the meal they brought. Usually for training sessions where of course, muffins, coffee and/or sandwiches are provided I bring my own.

My family and I canoed and backwoods camped for years - so they would simply eat my diet when we were in the back woods (otherwise my husband would have to haul just about 2 of everything). We've recently puchased a cabin sailboat - so it makes cooking and packing food alot easier on vacation.

I do have to admit, the evenings when we just want to order pizza is frustrating. I've learned that some pizza places also make gluten-free chicken wings. So I get wings, they get pizza.

After a bit more than 3 years of living with it, I guess I'm used to it, but I still do remember and still experience the frustrations.

[grrtch]

feeling your pain... just got back from four days at the family lake place which was brimming with fresh caught fried fish, hush puppies, cobbler made from the blackberries we picked. And then there were all the cakes, cassaroles, brownies, biscuits..... even stupid aunt said to me while stuffing a piece of brownie in her mouth, "but you can always snack on fruit!"

I did manage to make myself some fish breading and hush puppy mix from a combo of rice flour and yellow grits ground fine in the food processor. My uncle was nice enough to fry mine first, but I had to wait while everyone else's dinner was fried. Mine got stale and cold while it sat. Shoot, next time I'm not waiting!

BTW: man o man! I'd be fuming about that birthday cake! Bad enough my mom invited me over for dinner a coupla weeks ago and served lasagna. Wha? Even my mom doesn't geddit?

[Rachel--24]

I don't think people (for the most part) intend to be inconsiderate or rude. Its just that its not their diet and so its not on their mind the way its on ours....at nearly every meal. It doesnt bother me when people eat other stuff in front of me. Maybe I'm weird but I want to see it and smell it and know that someone else is totally enjoying their meal. I think I make them feel so lucky that they appreciate the food much more than they normally would have. I guess I dont feel left out cuz I'm not the type to go off by myself and be sad...I'm totally in their face asking them what it tastes like...is it good? What kind of sauce are you using...etc. I dunno what my problem is but I would feel more strange if people didn't eat the normal stuf in front of me. I guess I dont want people to feel sorry for me or anything....I'd rather they were totally comfortable to do what they want. If the shoe was on the other foot I would still wanna eat pizza and everything else and I would hate to tiptoe around food all the time. I wouldnt want to feel guilty inside because I could eat gluten foods and not get sick. I would just want to happily enjoy my food.

I think our feelings are normal...its totally normal to be sad or feel left out. I just think we sometimes forget that its not always about us. I think the majority of us....if it werent for Celiac....would still go on eating the things we love....regardless if another family member had special dietary needs. We would try to accomadate them when necessary but I think its probably unrealistic to be able to always be prepared for that persons diet needs....sometimes they will have to take care of themselves....unless they are a child.

Its always awesome when someone DOES take the time out to make you feel important and special but as Nini said it cant be expected. It just makes those times all the more special and memorable.

[queenofhearts]

I don't think people (for the most part) intend to be inconsiderate or rude. Its just that its not their diet and so its not on their mind the way its on ours....at nearly every meal. It doesnt bother me when people eat other stuff in front of me. Maybe I'm weird but I want to see it and smell it and know that someone else is totally enjoying their meal. I think I make them feel so lucky that they appreciate the food much more than they normally would have. I guess I dont feel left out cuz I'm not the type to go off by myself and be sad...I'm totally in their face asking them what it tastes like...is it good? What kind of sauce are you using...etc. I dunno what my problem is but I would feel more strange if people didn't eat the normal stuf in front of me. I guess I dont want people to feel sorry for me or anything....I'd rather they were totally comfortable to do what they want. If the shoe was on the other foot I would still wanna eat pizza and everything else and I would hate to tiptoe around food all the time. I wouldnt want to feel guilty inside because I could eat gluten foods and not get sick. I would just want to happily enjoy my food.

I think our feelings are normal...its totally normal to be sad or feel left out. I just think we sometimes forget that its not always about us. I think the majority of us....if it werent for Celiac....would still go on eating the things we love....regardless if another family member had special dietary needs. We would try to accomadate them when necessary but I think its probably unrealistic to be able to always be prepared for that persons diet needs....sometimes they will have to take care of themselves....unless they are a child.

Its always awesome when someone DOES take the time out to make you feel important and special but as Nini said it cant be expected. It just makes those times all the special and memorable.

I'm definitely with you Rachel, as to eating with others in general. I'd so much rather they had what they enjoyed & didn't stress out over my diet. (Especially cooks-- I really don't WANT to be that much trouble to anyone but me!)

HOWEVER, serving a gluten b-day cake for a Celiac's b-day is just plain cruel! There's really no excuse for that in my book.

Leah

[mama belle]

HOWEVER, serving a gluten b-day cake for a Celiac's b-day is just plain cruel! There's really no excuse for that in my book.

Oh, totally. I can't even begin to imagine how that made you feel. I am newly diagnosed, but my family is really great. They eat gluten foods in front of me, but they always make sure that I have something satisfying to eat as well. My daughter has type I diabetes, and I have seen how brave she is to watch other people eat and drink the things that she can't. My feeling is that if my eight year old can do it without moping, then so can I. But everyone is different and so are their feelings.

[grrtch]

considering that my post is right before the two that suggest that we'd all be happier if we just didn't allow ourselves to feel left out, I wanna clarify that I don't mind folks enjoying their own meals. Because I used to be impatient with people with a high maintanence diet like this one, I try my best to be as inobtrusive as possible. Yeah, I do like smelling stuff I can't have, too. Heck, how much of our taste sensation is tied to smells anyway? It's the texture in my mouth I sometimes miss.

But if you look at it from a brass tacks logical POV, we are often left out of the social ritual of sharing food. Plain and simple. And it stinks. Let me add, tho, golly it's good to kvetch a bit after gnawing my knuckles, wishing I could taste just one of those baked goodies the others had brought! ...or the cobbler made from blackberries I helped pick.

Eh, happy to be at home where I know exactly what's in my pantry AND hunting gluten-free cobbler recipes.... yummy!

[Rachel--24]

HOWEVER, serving a gluten b-day cake for a Celiac's b-day is just plain cruel! There's really no excuse for that in my book.

I dunno. Again, maybe I'm weird. Clearly in the minority.

I got a regular cake for my birthday from my boss and everyone at work and I was just "stoked" to have a cake (gluten-free or not).

I found out later they had discussed it and one person was against the idea but my boss decided to go ahead and get the cake cuz what would it be like with no cake at all? I thought he made the right decision and I was happy. I wouldnt have expected them to go search out a special bakery just for me. I work in a grocery store and the bakery only makes regular cakes so thats what I got....a really nice looking gluten filled cake that said "Happy Birthday Rachel". I cut it for everyone to enjoy and wasnt the least bit upset. I had the bigest smile on my face cuz I felt pretty normal...even if I wasnt actually gonna eat any. I have more diet restrictions than just gluten anyways so its not like I could of had a gluten-free cake either.

Its the thought that counts and I was touched.

[queenofhearts]

I dunno. Again, maybe I'm weird. Clearly in the minority.

I got a regular cake for my birthday from my boss and everyone at work and I was just "stoked" to have a cake (gluten-free or not).

I found out later they had discussed it and one person was against the idea but my boss decided to go ahead and get the cake cuz what would it be like with no cake at all? I thought he made the right decision and I was happy. I wouldnt have expected them to go search out a special bakery just for me. I work in a grocery store and the bakery only makes regular cakes so thats what I got....a really nice looking gluten filled cake that said "Happy Birthday Rachel". I cut it for everyone to enjoy and wasnt the least bit upset. I had the bigest smile on my face cuz I felt pretty normal...even if I wasnt actually gonna eat any. I have more diet restrictions than just gluten anyways so its not like I could of had a gluten-free cake either.

Its the thought that counts and I was touched.

At work is one thing. For her it was family. They should know better.

Leah

[jkmunchkin]

Ok the pizza thing I could deal with (and have), but the birthday cake thing is just plain MEAN!!! I'm so sorry. As some of the others have said, I think you need to let your husband know how upsetting that was to you and put it in his hands to make sure that situation is never repeated.

Unfortunately the pizza thing, well as much as none of us want to be "different", when it comes to a situation like that, the sad truth is we are. We can't expect people to edit their lives and eating habits on our behalf. I'm not saying you don't have the right to be upset, but unfortunately this is the reality of the situation. Just know we are all here to support you and get you through the moments of saddness. We all feel your pain.

[par18]

I don't think people (for the most part) intend to be inconsiderate or rude. Its just that its not their diet and so its not on their mind the way its on ours....at nearly every meal. It doesnt bother me when people eat other stuff in front of me. Maybe I'm weird but I want to see it and smell it and know that someone else is totally enjoying their meal. I think I make them feel so lucky that they appreciate the food much more than they normally would have. I guess I dont feel left out cuz I'm not the type to go off by myself and be sad...I'm totally in their face asking them what it tastes like...is it good? What kind of sauce are you using...etc. I dunno what my problem is but I would feel more strange if people didn't eat the normal stuf in front of me. I guess I dont want people to feel sorry for me or anything....I'd rather they were totally comfortable to do what they want. If the shoe was on the other foot I would still wanna eat pizza and everything else and I would hate to tiptoe around food all the time. I wouldnt want to feel guilty inside because I could eat gluten foods and not get sick. I would just want to happily enjoy my food.

I think our feelings are normal...its totally normal to be sad or feel left out. I just think we sometimes forget that its not always about us. I think the majority of us....if it werent for Celiac....would still go on eating the things we love....regardless if another family member had special dietary needs. We would try to accomadate them when necessary but I think its probably unrealistic to be able to always be prepared for that persons diet needs....sometimes they will have to take care of themselves....unless they are a child.

Its always awesome when someone DOES take the time out to make you feel important and special but as Nini said it cant be expected. It just makes those times all the more special and memorable.

Rachel,

You are not weird. I will tell you what weird is. I was not a fan of pizza or birthday cake. I thought pizza was always soggy dough with sauce on top and I used to scrape the icing off almost all the cake that was served to me. I don't care what people eat in front of me. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is having to explain to the same person more than once what it is I cannot eat or drink. Usually when I am asked what is wrong with me and I try to explain they let me get started and then start looking off into space wishing they had not brought it up. I think they must be feeling sorry for me but actually I get a little chuckle inside because now they are might be feeling guilty consuming gluten in front of me. Little do they know it really does not bother me. Anyway I can feel for those of us who feel left out in those situations. I just try to focus on those things that I can do not related to what I eat or drink and leave it to that.

Tom

[Kathy Blackwood]

I guess I must be really lucky.

For my birthday, my boss and co-workers got me the biggest fruit bowl I've ever seen. In lieu of a regular b'day cake. They even put a candle in the middle. There was also a yogourt dip for the fruit to go with it.

Guess I should count my blessings.

I do however understand the frustrations - I really envy the people at work who can buy the quick microwave lunches (all pasta) and pop it in the microwave at work, or a quick sandwich on the run.

Kathy

[wozzy]

I can understand getting a gluten cake at work, but at home would make me really mad. Sometimes my mom tries to feed me stuff with gluten in it (and she knows about it because my dad has been diagnosed for like 30 years), and that makes me mad.

For me, it's not that I get upset watching people eat stuff that I can't eat, but sometimes I freak out when there is nothing for me to eat. If we go to a restaurant and there is nothing on the menu that I can eat and I'm hungry, I will freak out. I've gotten better with it, though.

I used to get sad watching people eat pizza, but I think it's something you get used to the longer you've been gluten-free. it's hard at first because you're so used to eating whatever you want, but it gets better.

Plus, there's a pizza place down the street from me that just started selling gluten-free pizzas. It's amazing.

[ladsh]

It is nice to hear from other people who are feeling like me when it comes to feeling left out around food and drink. I am new this this whole thing so reading all these posts is making me feel not quite so isolated. Anyways I just want to say that its sucks about the birthday cake but maybe they just need more time to figure things out. I don't think those gluten (or anything else for that matter) eating people realise how isolating it is when you can't eat the food. I'm not sure they will ever get it but maybe with more time your family will get better!

When i used to eat gluten i knew a family where some of the members had celiac's (i worked with the dad who didn't have it) and we used to have BBQs with them sometimes and I always made sure what i was bringing was ok for them to eat. I used to think it must be very hard at gatherings like that to find things to eat, and especially as one of the people with the disease was only six years old or so. Now I know first hand how hard it can be sometimes!!! I don't think it is totally out of the question for others who know about your diet condition from making an effort every now and again but then since alot of people don't even seem to bother about trying to eat a healthy diet themselves maybe i'm just expecting too much from people!