Progress Denied

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

I thought my boyfriend and I were beginning to make progress on the issue of eating out. We ate out twice (!) in NYC last week for our anniversary, and when he suggested that we try Carrabba's tonight, I was more than excited!

However, when we went online this afternoon to check out Carrabba's menu, things started to go south. My boyfriend felt very uncomfortable with the disclaimer on their gluten-free menu and decided that he did not feel comfortable eating out there or at any chain restaurant.

While I respect his decision not to eat out tonight and do not want to make him uncomfortable, I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm pretty much at a loss as to what I should do - I'm not angry with him, but I can't help being a little disappointed either...

[tarnalberry]

Three times in two weeks?! I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. That's too much contamination risk. Talking to him about doing it a bit less often, and talking to the manager and the chef, not just a website.

[angel-jd1]

Three times in two weeks?! I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. That's too much contamination risk. Talking to him about doing it a bit less often, and talking to the manager and the chef, not just a website.

I agree that is alot of risk. Don't the experts recomend that you only eat out (at the most) once a month ? Contamination is a risk at any place where you are not in control of the food. Even if you eat at your parents, grandma's or a restaurant, the risk is there. Granted you are going to trust family a WHOLE lot more than some high school kids in a kitchen.

Try to be patient with your boyfriend. This whole thing isn't easy. Being sick stinks!! He doesn't want to risk going back to being sick. Maybe you could go to the store together and get some ingredients to cook a meal at home together.

-Jessica

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

Three times in two weeks?! I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. That's too much contamination risk. Talking to him about doing it a bit less often, and talking to the manager and the chef, not just a website.

Let me clarify...

It was his decision to eat out twice last week in NYC and he was very happy with both dining experiences. It was also his idea to go out to eat tonight, but he decided he wasn't comfortable with eating at a chain, even if he would speak to the manager and the chef, because the staff at most chains has little to no knowledge about celiac disease.

I agree three times in two weeks is a bit much - we're trying to find a happy medium here!

Sorry for the confusion!

[Rikki Tikki]

What kind of dog is that, I really like it. I would just go by how often he wants to eat out, something in the disclaimer made him uncomfortable. Can you go out and eat with friends, say at lunch.

As far as eating out only once a month,, I have never heard that before. Have people really said that is the most we should eat out?

[lorka150]

just to add - i never eat out. i have a few times, and got contaminated every time. i waited a bit, then went to a restaurant owned by a celiac, and she gave me my lunch. i felt a little weird, and asked her if i could see the ingredients in something (in case i was reacting to something else) and blatantly it said, "wheat gluten". since then, i've not trusted them. to me, the convenience of eating out does not outweigh the inconvenience of being sick afterwards for a week.

[debmidge]

Although the disclaimer is shown on the menu, it's pretty much "eat at your own risk" at any restaurant. Sounds like he's trying hard to please you by going to restaurants. My husband has been diagnosed since 2003 and still cannot bring himself to trust a restaurant. Just this weekend I learned that the fellow at the car dealership where I bring my car has aspberger's and never goes out to eat (he avoids wheat). How long has your boyfrend been diagnosed with celiac?

I am not sure if I understand what you mean by:

"While I respect his decision not to eat out tonight and do not want to make him uncomfortable, I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. "

Are you saying that he should just take the chance at Carrabba's despite a disclaimer on the menu? Or that you are unsure if you want to continue in this relationship if his limitations are getting in the way? Or you want to bring up your disappointment with him but won't because you know he's not the problem the restaurant is?

My husband's favorite thing was to eat out or just plain eating when we met. To watch him be disappointed over not trusting restaurant staff enough to go out to eat tears me apart for him.

[eKatherine]

It sounds like you're disappointed that he's not making "progress" in reaching the goal of going out to eat with you when and where you want to.

If you really want to eat out, even though it's not good for him and he's not comfortable with it, you should probably either treat yourself occasionally or go out with some friends. You could also take out from the questionable restaurant and enjoy it at home while he eats something else. This is just something you two don't have in common.

I used to eat out by myself all the time. I just sat and watched people and relaxed, letting them pamper me.

[rinne]

The last time and only time I have eaten out since going gluten free I went to my absolutely favourite restaurant which I have every reason to trust, they know me there and they have catered an eight course gluten free wedding for 200 people. I chose to go on a day when I wasn't feeling great because I didn't want to know I couldn't eat there anymore. I know that must sound very strange but the idea that I will have to give up eating out altogether is very upsetting to me and I know that I am very sensitive. I am fortunate in that my symptoms at this point are not as devasting as they might be, yes to pain, bloating and constipation but no to spending the day or next day in the bathroom as yet.

I don't know that I was glutened there but I did feel a little worse after. I'll wait for a time before I go back. Part of my problem in trusting what people say is gluten free is gluten free is that I don't think people actually understand what that means. I know I didn't when I ran the deli. I made up a recipe for gluten free brownies and sold them as such but I used wooden spoons and pans and ....So, people can tell me it is gluten free and I know that just like me, they don't have a clue, well maybe they have a few clues.

For me now if a relationship with someone was in any way dependent on eating out, I would end the relationship. I am sure that must sound harsh but I have been poisoned for so many years and the idea that I should risk being poisoned again, NO.

I think it is great that your boyfriend was able to eat out a couple of times, sounds like he is happier eating somewhere he feels he can trust the chef and wait staff, perhaps that is the way to go.

[skbird]

It's not unusual at all to want to eat out but, after reading the fine print, get too freaked out to do it. It's a reasonable reaction. I was just travelling with my mom the other day and she said "let's eat at the Black Angus - you've been fine there before" and she's right, I have. But I spend every time there, pretty much the entire time, hoping like mad they don't screw my food up. We're usually there for lunch and I get either the sirloin or salmon, unmarinaded, please clean the grill, and double steamed veggies, hold the butter, no seasoning, no anything on any of this. Just plain - I have allergies, thanks.

In the last three months, I have eaten at two restaurants, the Black Angus included. The other one is right next to my work and they have gluten free bread and make a gluten free panini for me (even have my instructions behind the counter) and still a majority of the time I don't order it - I get the salad bar (it's very clean and the gluten items are all in one area which I avoid) and have not had any problems. But, nearly every time my stomach rumbles, the first place I think of is the salad I had there. It sucks to constantly have to wonder about what you eat when eating out.

Anyway, be patient with your boyfriend. We used to eat out several nights a week (not to mention nearly every lunch) and now it's almost never. Instead, we go to the nice butcher shop and buy their good filet mignons for a treat (they supply the restaurants in town) and eat a fancy dinner for a fraction of the cost. It takes adjusting, but it's great in the long run (and easy on the pocketbook).

Stephanie

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh in my last post. I do understand my boyfriend's discomfort at eating out, and I definitely do respect his decision not to eat out at certain places. If I were the one in his position, I know I would want him to be understanding of me. I was just really frustrated at the time and I needed a place to vent. I find myself coming here to do that because everyone offers such helpful insights, and it is nice to get everything off my chest without upsetting my boyfriend.

Him and I do cook dinner a lot together, usually about once a week, and we both really enjoy doing that. I also try to go out to eat with friends and family in order to "satisfy" that want. The whole root of me getting upset about not being able to go out to eat on Monday was in part because it was his idea (the romantic in me was disappointed about the fact that our dinner plans fell through) and in part because I relate going out to eat as a stumbling block to other issues, such as traveling (but that's a whole other can of worms).

I've personally never heard about the eating out once a month rule, but I'm sure it all depends on your doctor and your personal situation.

Tavi - My icon is a picture of a Maltese puppy (my dream dog haha). Isn't it precious?

Lorka & rinne - I'm sorry you guys got glutened! And Lorka, by a Celiac! Who would have thought?

debmidge - My boyfriend was diagnosed three years ago. In response to your questions, I in no way think he should eat at Carrabba's (or any place else) that he feels uncomfortable at. When I said I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, I guess I meant I feel worried about the future and what implications his celiac disease will have for us (travel, kids, etc.) I want to share my feelings with him, but he gets upset because he feels like he's letting me down (which isn't the case... even if I'm disappointed, I know it's out of his control). I feel like right now is the make or break time in our relationship where I either decide to stay in it for the long haul or not...which would be a big decision whether he had Celiac or not! So I think that is adding definitely adding a little tension to our relationship, at least on my end...

As usual, everyone, thank you for all your useful input...it really helps to hear different perspectives!

[angel-jd1]

I've personally never heard about the eating out once a month rule, but I'm sure it all depends on your doctor and your personal situation.

I wish I could find the article that I read that in. I was thinking that it was in one of my gluten free living magazines, but of course it wasn't in the latest issue. I know it was one of the top dr's in celiac research that said it. I'll keep looking.....

-Jessica

[CarlaB]

I wish I could find the article that I read that in. I was thinking that it was in one of my gluten free living magazines, but of course it wasn't in the latest issue. I know it was one of the top dr's in celiac research that said it. I'll keep looking.....

-Jessica

I've read it on the board. I think Richard/lovgrove posted it, but I thought he said twice per month.

We don't go out to eat at all like we used to. We used to go out to breakfast or lunch several times per week and dinner every Friday for our date night. Now, we go out for coffee a couple times per week at Panera Bread. I get a ceramic mug and wipe it out to be sure there's no flour dust on it (talk about paranoid!! ), I also bring my own gluten-free food. My hubby orders something from the restaurant to eat. We are out, in public, eating, and I'm safe.

Oddly enough, there's a restaurant chain her in Cincinnati called Skyline Chili. We've always eaten there several times per month and still do. The chili is made in a central factory and has corn starch for its thickener. Normally they serve it over spaghetti or on a coney, but baked potatoes and fries are also on the menu. So, I order mine over fries or the potato depending on my mood. The only thing they fry there are fries, and I've read the package, so they are gluten-free. There isn't much of a cc issue there, except over by the coneys, so I have them make mine at the spaghetti station (spag doesn't have crumbs to contaminate the chili). I've never had a problem and eat there weekly.

For our dinners out, we usually go to Maggiano's, Cheeseburger in Paradise, or PF Changs. We only do that about once per month.

I think the morning coffees fill my need for eating out.

I hope that gives you some ideas for compromise.

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

CarlaB,

The BF and I are going to Atlantic City in August. I've already scoped out a PF Chang's there, but we don't have one locally so I've never been there. What have you had there that is good and gluten-free? I've heard the lettuce wraps are great.

[CarlaB]

The lettuce wraps are great! I also like the salmon with s$#&ake mushrooms and asparagus. I've never had a problem eating there, but I always tell the waitress I'm VERY sensitive so that he/she takes extra care. I love the sea bass, but it's not on the gluten-free menu. Most of the chefs will prepare it gluten-free though. I've also noticed that some PF Changs don't have the salmon on the gluten-free menu, but they will still prepare it that way.

Remember not to eat the sauce they prepare at the table. They can bring you gluten-free soy sauce. They'll still bring you a fortune cookie, it's not gluten-free either. I crack it open, read the fortune, then leave it on the table.

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

Thanks!! I'll let you know how we make out.

[debmidge]

'I want to share my feelings with him, but he gets upset because he feels like he's letting me down (which isn't the case... even if I'm disappointed, I know it's out of his control). I feel like right now is the "

Your statement hit a major area that made me stop in mid reading and say this....my husband agonizes over the fact that he feels he is letting me down because we don't go out to eat, we don't take spur of the moment trips, we don't go down to the Jersey Shore like we used to, he has to calculate meals -time/consistency, etc. & other info so eating at different times is out, - husband feels disappointment in himself to point where a depression sets in as he feels he isn't pleasing me. He feels that getting celiac disease is somehow his fault and he screwed up our lives. The guilt that they have, the tearing guilt between knowing they have to adhere to this diet, this isolating diet and yet this very diet and lifestyle is pushing the one person they like/love away from them. It's a torture I read in my husband's face so often. It reminds me of the childhood Mother Goose rhyme: Peter, Peter pumpkin eater (it's gluten-free) had a wife and couldn't keep her; put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.

Well we are the conduit for exposing the unfairness of this diet and our men do not want to lose us, so they put us in a psychological pumpkin shell. To them, this puts the matter on hold until they can come to terms with it. They have to figure out what they want to do in this life as a celiac, before they can include us in the plan.

This is the only idea I can come up with that makes sense to me. It's not his selfishness, but his self-preservation that is taking over. When a person is newly diagnosed and/or sick, any other adult in their life is secondary until they come to conclusion on how they are going to handle it. I've been waiting almost 3 years now. I better pack a lunch, I hear the intermission is a long one....if you are looking for me, I'm at 1234 Pumpkin Shell Drive.

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

debmidge,

I PMed you!