What Would You Have Done?

[shayesmom]

If you had read my original post thoroughly, you would have seen that I used my son's fussiness as an example to say that if someone had approached me to tell me what they thought about his fussing, I would have been moritified and angry. Nowhere in that post did I ask for help.

Michelle

You know, this whole thread is really interesting to see just how different the perspectives are.

For me, I *may* have been mortified if my dd was acting up in public (because BELIEVE ME, she did prior to going on a gluten-free/CF diet). But at the same time, we'd spent months at the pedi's and other specialist's offices with NO progress whatsoever. If someone had clued me in earlier, I probably would have been very grateful for the insight as long as the person exhibited sincerity and a bit of empathy and wasn't rude about it. I was literally at my wit's end!

Then again, I suppose that everyone has different boundaries that we don't want others to cross.

As it turns out, my dd tested negative on her Celiac tests. So I did the diet anyway and have been quite astonished by the results. Dd is a completely different child on/off gluten. And over the past two years, I have also gone gluten/casein-free and have LOVED what it has done for me. Dh has always been supportive of ALL my decisions in regards to my dd's and my diet. And when at home, he eats gluten/casein-free right along with us. Our home is completely gluten-free and is almost completely CF (the exception is coffee cream). After reading these posts, I am appreciating dh's attitude and flexibility much more. I can't imagine having to try to convince him to go gluten-free with dd. Then again, he was just as stressed out with dd's issues, behaviors, GI symptoms and was probably as desperate as I was for a real answer. And I *believe* that he knows I try to do the best that I can. lol!! But maybe he was afraid to lock horns with me on this one as I am good at trenching in. When we went gluten-free, dd's behavior was unrecognizable in the first 24 hours. In 3 days, she was a completely different child. We haven't looked back since. To this day dh jokes about our GI doc's comment, "I've never seen a case of FTT turn around so quickly". Not shocking when I look back at the process and read about the unreliability of Celiac tests in children under 5.

Everyone does have to come to grips with this in their own way. Any kind of food allergy/intolerance has a lot of emotional/psychological impact in a person's life. And for many of us, there hasn't been a lot of help coming from the medical community. That alone is enough to push us to reach out to anyone whom we suspect may be affected. Offering information on this is not meant as a critique on an individual's parenting skills, but as a "lifeline" that many of us were never thrown (no matter how much we wished for it).

Michelle, I do hope that you find answers for yourself. And I will keep my fingers crossed that your drs. are much better than the ones that my mom has seen so far. My mom has 90% of the symptoms for Celiac and has for over 9 years now. She's had multiple blood panels, endoscopies, colonoscopies, etc.......they're all negative. But her sister did test positive and dd and I responded to the diet. My mom has slowed down on gluten quite a bit with positive results, but she still cannot resist her toast in the morning and her weekly fried chicken strip salad at Wendy's. lol!! What do you do? lol!! She's a big girl and can handle her discoveries at her own pace. As long as she keeps her gluten to herself, we'll love her anyways!

[Michi8]

Well, if it were the case that I thought the mother was putting on a scene for the purpose of embarrassing the daughter (for doing something that nobody else actually noticed) I would hardly commiserate with her. I do not consider public humiliation to be an effective child-rearing technique. That's just bad behavior on the mother's part, on par with a 2 year old having a tantrum, or maybe worse, as we adults are supposed to be in control of our behavior. I might take it as a call for input - it was her choice to create a public scene where none existed. But generally speaking, I would be embarrassed for the child and simply ignore this display, as paying attention will perpetuate the issue.

I'm not condoning what the mother did, and I wouldn't be commisserating in that situation either. It sounds like it was an embarassing situation for that family, and it does sound like bad behaviour on the mother's part. Of course, we weren't there so we don't know how everything actually played out.

I'm curious, eKatherine, do you have children? Have your kids ever behaved inappropriately in public? How have you handled it? Would you have wanted attention from strangers in those situations?

Michelle

Michelle, I do hope that you find answers for yourself. And I will keep my fingers crossed that your drs. are much better than the ones that my mom has seen so far. My mom has 90% of the symptoms for Celiac and has for over 9 years now. She's had multiple blood panels, endoscopies, colonoscopies, etc.......they're all negative. But her sister did test positive and dd and I responded to the diet. My mom has slowed down on gluten quite a bit with positive results, but she still cannot resist her toast in the morning and her weekly fried chicken strip salad at Wendy's. lol!! What do you do? lol!! She's a big girl and can handle her discoveries at her own pace. As long as she keeps her gluten to herself, we'll love her anyways!

I hope I find the answers too...I've had symptoms for 20 years now. I will be going gluten-free regardless of the biopsy, just wish I didn't have to wait another three months for it!

Michelle

[eKatherine]

I'm not condoning what the mother did, and I wouldn't be commisserating in that situation either. It sounds like it was an embarassing situation for that family, and it does sound like bad behaviour on the mother's part. Of course, we weren't there so we don't know how everything actually played out.

I'm curious, eKatherine, do you have children? Have your kids ever behaved inappropriately in public? How have you handled it? Would you have wanted attention from strangers in those situations?

Michelle

I have a daughter who is grown. If she acted up inappropriately in public I would warn her and ignore her entirely until she stopped, pretending she was not there. But she behaved well (didn't like to be ignored, I guess) and I don't remember something like causing a fuss in public happening more than a few times.

Since my daughter was always in visibly good health, it's hard to imagine what I would have done had she been chronically ill.

[CarlaB]

I have a daughter who is grown. If she acted up inappropriately in public I would warn her and ignore her entirely until she stopped, pretending she was not there. But she behaved well (didn't like to be ignored, I guess) and I don't remember something like this happening more than a few times.

Yes, considering they are generally doing it for attention!! I remember leaving my son screaming on the floor in the middle of a department store. I told him where I was going and that he was welcome to join us. When we walked away and were getting somewhat far from his sight, the whole tantrum stopped and he followed us. 1. He didn't get attention, and 2. He was afraid of being left.

If the mother is creating a scene, she is miserable and at her wit's end. She is, in a way, ASKING for help!! Each situation has to be looked at, I don't think there's a blanket answer here. I think in the case where it was brought up, the appropriate thing was done.

Now I'm wondering ... you gave her information, she might look it up on the internet ... what will she think of this thread!!!! Maybe she can set us straight whether it was the right thing or not!!!

[Michi8]

I have a daughter who is grown. If she acted up inappropriately in public I would warn her and ignore her entirely until she stopped, pretending she was not there. But she behaved well (didn't like to be ignored, I guess) and I don't remember something like causing a fuss in public happening more than a few times.

Since my daughter was always in visibly good health, it's hard to imagine what I would have done had she been chronically ill.

Just so you know where I'm coming from...

I've got three kids: 8, 6 and 4. They are generally well-behaved, and we usually get comments about how well they behave in many situations (in a restaurant for example.) I know their limits, and refrain from taking them places where I know we'll have problems (like taking all three of them grocery shopping by myself.) Sometimes public tantrums are hard to avoid, and I try to keep as calm through it as possible and get the child out of public as soon as I can. I have receive positive comments about my handling of those situations, which makes me feel a bit better, but it's still embarrassing to have a child act out where all can see. I would rather people just ignore what's going on.

Michelle

[GFBetsy]

I've got three kids: 8, 6 and 4. They are generally well-behaved, and we usually get comments about how well they behave in many situations (in a restaurant for example.) I know their limits, and refrain from taking them places where I know we'll have problems (like taking all three of them grocery shopping by myself.) Sometimes public tantrums are hard to avoid, and I try to keep as calm through it as possible and get the child out of public as soon as I can. I have receive positive comments about my handling of those situations, which makes me feel a bit better, but it's still embarrassing to have a child act out where all can see. I would rather people just ignore what's going on.

I can understand both sides. I was once trying to leave the library with a screaming child and my arms full of books, and someone came up and told me to be careful how I pulled on her arms, because once she had dislocated her daughter's shoulder in just such a situation. Because I was already frustrated with my daughter and trying to remove her from the situation, I was NOT happy with her. But (several years later) my sister was doing the same move on one of my 2 year olds (pulling her by the arm as she refused to move) and dislocated her elbow. The doctor told me that that type of injury is called "nursemaid's elbow" because it is caused so often by frustrated caretakers. Luckily, it's not that difficult to fix. But I have to say that I'm a lot more careful with arms now that one of my children has actually suffered such an injury than I was even after that intervention. (My sentences are becoming involved . . . hope you understand what I'm trying to say!)

However, I think that her intervention (even though I resented it) did have a positive effect, because it told me that I was walking the boundary-line between okay and not-okay as far as dealing with the situation went. I was not grateful, and didn't act grateful, but I think that intervention has had a positive long-term effect . . . I think of it, and try to maintain a calmer manner in such situations. I have to admit that keeping my cool is a lot easier when I'm not depressed, though. When I'm already having a tough day, almost ANYTHING my kids do frustrates me. Whereas when I'm not seeing the world through dead-rose-colored glasses, I can cheerfully deal with a lot of issues that would have caused me to melt-down at other (more stressed-out) times. And when I look back to that particular Library Incident, I know that I was definitely depressed at that point in time (it was between the birth of my 2nd daughter and my twins, and was rather a bleak time emotionally). I don't think anyone could have said ANYTHING to me that wouldn't have irritated me (including "Have a Nice Day")!

So, I think I have to 2nd what CarlaB says: It depends on the situation and the manner in which the "intervention" is made.

[Nancym]

Well, I definitely admire your courage in leaving the note for that family! That took guts. Now most people will probably look at that and blow it off, but you never know. The message might strike home, might lead to a person avoiding the illnesses and disability. So all in all, I'd say it is worth the risk of rejection. But just be aware that most people would probably respond with hostility.