No Support At Home

[Nantzie]

This is from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Page 31

"Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so. If there is something I'm not seeing that is adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it is justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation. "

(end of prayer)

continuing...

"Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn't soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn't change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn't running more smoothly. If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord's perspective. Seeing your husband through God's eyes -- not just as your husband, but as God's child, as son whom the Lord loves -- can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn't you? Well, God is asking."

....

Nancy here again -- That prayer is the hardest prayer I've ever prayed. I said it through clenched teeth and a hard and broken heart. Stormie Omartian also says that making the commitment to pray for your husband doesn't mean you should stay in an abusive situation. Remember, you can pray from anywhere; a retreat, a weekend away, Germany, or your own spacious one bedroom apartment with nearby shopping, easy freeway access and high-speed internet .

Because there was more than one person in my situation also, I prayed the same prayer directed toward a few other people as well. So you could pray the same thing for your daughter.

...

Here's another prayer - The chapter is called "His Attitude" and the prayer is on pages 150-151.

" Lord, fill (Ken) with Your love and peace today. May there be a calmness, serenity and sense of well-being established in him because his life is God-controlled, rather than flesh-controlled. Enable him to walk in his house with a clean and perfect heart before You. Shine the light of Your spirit upon him and fill him with Your love.

I pray that he will be kind and patient, not selfish or easily provoked. Enable him to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things and endure all things. Release him from anger, unrest, anxiety, concerns, inner turmoil, strife, and pressure. May he not be broken in spirit because of sorrow, but enjoy the continual feast of a merry heart. Give him a spirit of joy and keep him from growing into a grumpy old man. Help him to be anxious for nothing, but give thanks in all things so he can know the peace that passes all understanding. May he come to the point of saying "I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content". I say to (Ken) this day, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace. "

..............

I hope these help. Like I said, I did these prayers because I had nowhere to turn (no family) and I know you're in the same situation where whatever you have to do, you're completely on your own in Canada as far as family goes. I was stunned when the prayers seemed to be working. Some days it was as simple as my husband being a big old jerk and me not being bothered by it at all. Very odd to have that happen when, like you said, I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him or hear the sound of his voice.

Hugs,

Nancy

[Ursa Major]

Thanks a million, Nancy, I am printing the prayers as I type.

Hugs back

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Hmmmm..what do you think might happen if we all pray that prayer with Ursula? I mean, is it too personal a thing for us to do? Is this a sort of sacred thing between Ursula, Ken, and God? Would we be somehow tresspassing? Or is there another third-party prayer we could all do? (Somehow, I suspect that my own, "Dear God, please get it through Ursula's family's thick noggins that they need to treat her better," just doesn't cut it....)

When we all prayed for TCA's Megan, I felt like we were actually doing something tangibly helpful. Yes, gfp, it may have been all in my mind, but who knows?

Late thought: isn't it what we ALL think of as a better world--people of all sorts of different religions (or lack of religion) coming together to help others?

[Ursa Major]

Hmmmm..what do you think might happen if we all pray that prayer with Ursula? I mean, is it too personal a thing for us to do? Is this a sort of sacred thing between Ursula, Ken, and God? Would we be somehow tresspassing? Or is there another third-party prayer we could all do? (Somehow, I suspect that my own, "Dear God, please get it through Ursula's family's thick noggins that they need to treat her better," just doesn't cut it....)

When we all prayed for TCA's Megan, I felt like we were actually doing something tangibly helpful. Yes, gfp, it may have been all in my mind, but who knows?

Late thought: isn't it what we ALL think of as a better world--people of all sorts of different religions (or lack of religion) coming together to help others?

You know, Alison, your God and my God are the same (Jesus aside). So, I would definitely appreciate your prayers, too (and anybody else's prayers who feels called to pray). I certainly believe in the power of prayer.

[Matilda]

..

[Ursa Major]

Thank you, Matilda, that makes at least two of you, then (Steve and you). And knowing that you care does help.

[Nantzie]

Oh, that's a good idea. I'll be praying...

Nancy

[gfp]

Steve, I can't believe you said that. Coming from you (and knowing where you stand when it comes to religion), that must be one of the sweetest, most caring things anybody has ever said to me. You sure are a true friend. How can I be upset with you for saying what you did?

And you're so right. I don't know about a religious retreat, but I am thinking that maybe it would be possible to rent a small cabin somewhere north of us, where I can be alone for a few days, to be, to pray, to walk and be alone with God. No other people allowed. If our pastor agrees that I need to do that, I am sure Ken will agree. Because really, I am totally burned out, and need a break.

I think a retreat would be better because you never know what you will come up contemplating and if you might need another human soul to discuss it.

I know these exist for catholics ....

I think you would enjoy a regimented regime of praying, solitude and communion with your God but having time to be alone as well. This has been available to catholics forever (almost) because you are not in such a strange situation, many people need this ....

If you were buddist I would probably have said the same.... its like a health camp with food for the soul thrown in on top!

Ken HAS been trying, but he is doing all the wrong things, and they don't make me feel better. His 'love language' is works of service. So, he'll wash my car (which I do appreciate), do the dishes, wash the floor etc. And really, I notice and appreciate all that. But it doesn't make me feel loved. What makes me feel loved is 'words of affirmation' and 'receiving gifts'.

Well, even though Ken knows what makes me feel loved (we've gone through that by both reading the book 'The five love languages', and through a marriage seminar, which we did so they could help me be the wife he wanted, obviously), he NEVER gives me gifts outside Christmas and birthday, and even then he won't give me what I really want, even if I outright tell him.

Again just my 2c BUT you have to show appreciation even when he does the "wrong thing".... the fact he is TRYING means he is desperately searching but his personality is fighting this.

I personally have to make mental notes to give my girlfriend flowers... why? Because I don't understand ... but I have trained myself to give flowers because it makes her happy ... but that doesn't mean I understand or part of me doesn't feel like it is buying love, I just have to overcome that.

From my perspective its perfectly obvious that Ken is not the strong one in your relationship even though he spends all his time and energy trying to be. This can be very hard for any man in any case but when that man believes in a certain concept of marriage it has got to be harder. IMHO he needs encouragemenbt even when he try's and does exactly the wrong thing because the effort is what counts and the effort is something you can build on.

I try to do stuff for him, like cooking nice meals, or getting special gifts (my specialty, of course), or organizing his 50th birthday party this year, even though having people come from far and wide and having the house 'invaded' by them was incredible stress for me. But I really hardly have the energy for living right now, never mind always 'doing' special things.

OK this is perhaps harsh but.... I think he just expects you to do that as a wife....

Today my chiropractor (who is also a good friend), asked me what's happening, and I told him I need to get away for a while. And he said, "Well, what's stopping you? If that is what you need to do, then go for it, you deserve a break." And he said that there are lots of places I could go to north of here, and he is right.

Ursula, Canada is huge and sparsely populated ... he's spot on!

I'd still maybe think about an organised retreat though .... I know you have it hard but there are millons of people in Canada and you are not alone and I'm sure you will find places are set-up to help people deal with this situation and self-contemplate.... while having a support network if you do need company or someone to talk things over with.

[daffadilly]

Ursula, You have endured years of abuse, you are in better shape than most of us would be after that type of treatment. I for one cannot even see any faults in myself , much less list any. I will enlighten you a little and tell you that for every thing that you see as a fault is also an asset. A spotless neatnik does not take the time to ..... (fill in the blank). A person that is able to be alone & enjoy ones own solitude has a clear heart and is able to .... (fill in the blank) instead of filling it with meaningless chit chat with ditzy people.

We are not all the same & we all march to our own drummer. You do not have to fit a mold. I suggest you make a huge list of what you think are your pluses and minuses & then turn them into all pluses.

You have gotten some good suggestions here. I would also like to suggest that you take a mini retreat everyday of your life. Where ever you are, however it works for you. Got a spare bathroom?, lock yourself in there & throw a towel over your head or whatever, library in town? get lost in the bookstacks, go for a walk and wear sunglasses, get laryngitis whenever it is convenient for you

Start calling yourself an artist - you know how eccentric artists are, just say you have not decided on your medium yet & are exploring...

Take care of yourself FIRST.

[Ursa Major]

Daffacilly, you crack me up. I am very creative, so I could call myself a poet or artist or whatever.

Steve, I have several reasons why a religious retreat is not necessarily what I want right now. There is only one non-catholic one fairly close (about one hour west of here).

a) You have to be referred by your pastor, and I asked him already two years ago, and he wouldn't do it (his wife told me today that she doesn't have a clue why, and will ask him).

b)It would be at least six months to a year to get in (and I need to get away NOW).

c)It's not in the forest, which is where I would like to be (near a lake).

d)An acquaintance of mine goes there frequently. When I figured out I have AS, she claimed she had it, too. She went to be officially diagnosed, and was told there was no way she had it (while I was told I am a classical textbook case). She still insisted the doctor was wrong. So, I sent her all the online tests I had (I can't find one now, I lost it when my computer crashed). She did a couple, and scored lower than the average NT (while my scores are through the roof), but claimed that didn't mean anything. I asked her to do the rest, and she said she didn't need to, because she KNEW she had AS. Anyway, she went to this retreat place, and told me that they cast demons out of her, and cured her of her AS by doing that. She said that the AS was a curse that was on her family because a great-grandmother, who probably had AS, hanged herself. And that's the biggest reason I don't want to go.

I haven't told Ken that crazy story, because he'd be all for me going there, and having 'my demons' cast out, too, to be 'cured' of the AS. That idea scares me to death. Because AS is NOT caused by demons! They would possibly mess me really up, and make me worse.

[AndreaB]

Ursula,

I would avoid that camp also. That gives me the creeps.

[Nantzie]

Yikes Ursula! I'd pick a nice cabin by the lake too if that was the religious retreat you had to choose (?) from. That would freak me out too.

Nancy

[gfp]

Daffacilly, you crack me up. I am very creative, so I could call myself a poet or artist or whatever.

Steve, I have several reasons why a religious retreat is not necessarily what I want right now. There is only one non-catholic one fairly close (about one hour west of here).

a) You have to be referred by your pastor, and I asked him already two years ago, and he wouldn't do it (his wife told me today that she doesn't have a clue why, and will ask him).

b)It would be at least six months to a year to get in (and I need to get away NOW).

c)It's not in the forest, which is where I would like to be (near a lake).

d)An acquaintance of mine goes there frequently. When I figured out I have AS, she claimed she had it, too. She went to be officially diagnosed, and was told there was no way she had it (while I was told I am a classical textbook case). She still insisted the doctor was wrong. So, I sent her all the online tests I had (I can't find one now, I lost it when my computer crashed). She did a couple, and scored lower than the average NT (while my scores are through the roof), but claimed that didn't mean anything. I asked her to do the rest, and she said she didn't need to, because she KNEW she had AS. Anyway, she went to this retreat place, and told me that they cast demons out of her, and cured her of her AS by doing that. She said that the AS was a curse that was on her family because a great-grandmother, who probably had AS, hanged herself. And that's the biggest reason I don't want to go.

I haven't told Ken that crazy story, because he'd be all for me going there, and having 'my demons' cast out, too, to be 'cured' of the AS. That idea scares me to death. Because AS is NOT caused by demons! They would possibly mess me really up, and make me worse.

EEEEKKKK

OK, I better not comment on that type of retreat...suffice it to say its this sort of thing that gives me my views on religion...but I guess your pastor's reluctance might be quite sensible given this.

.... and as for AS diagnosis.... well as you know its a set of tests made up by NT's... so IMHO its a non-NT test which doesn't mean all people who test non-NT are necassarily "the same" ... more a convenient label by the NT's who like to classifiy anything non-NT as "different" and apply the same label!

Daffadillly: Hey Ursual she sounds spot on.... she may have said it humerously but you can just jump in a car and drive somewhere secluded and pray or contemplate and if Ken objects tell him your going to pray where you feel close to God away from distracations!

[debmidge]

Ursula, I do not have anything to add - this is such a complex matter and so emotional. I just wish you the best and hope all things work out for you. Family often "anchors" you to problems that you can't easily escape, if at all. I just hope you find your answers and resolutions to this dilema.

D.

[CarlaB]

Ursula, the retreat that many Catholics use is the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. This format has been done for years and really is fitting for any Christian since it's scriptural based. Traditionally the retreats went on for 30 days and once each day there was a meditation, which became the focus for the day. For lay people, the retreats today are done over a weekend with about 7 meditations and two talks.

When Catholics do these retreats, they're silent, meaning the participants do not talk, but take the time to focus on God and their own lives. Of course the person leading the meditations talk, and if you go to Mass, spiritual direction and Confession, you talk then, too. I go on one per year and have for 10 years .... though I'm afraid to this year with my new dietary issues ...

Here is a book I've found that has the format for you to do the retreat on your own if you're interested: Open Original Shared Link

Steve, if religion really meant being out there like that, most of us wouldn't be religious either. You have to remember that just because we believe God is perfect, that still doesn't mean those running his Church are. That being said, there is such a thing as exorcism, there is a Catholic priest in every diocese who is the exorcist, but it is a rare thing to be used .... and certainly NOT on someone as holy as Ursula ... In Indianapolis I met the exorcist. A VERY, VERY holy man .... he lived across the street from the state mental hospital and they called him over frequently. Talking to him may even get you to believe. But exorcism is only done in a state of prayer, by a very holy priest ... not as was described at this so called religious retreat that Ursula mentioned.

[gfp]

Ursula, the retreat that many Catholics use is the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. This format has been done for years and really is fitting for any Christian since it's scriptural based. Traditionally the retreats went on for 30 days and once each day there was a meditation, which became the focus for the day. For lay people, the retreats today are done over a weekend with about 7 meditations and two talks.

When Catholics do these retreats, they're silent, meaning the participants do not talk, but take the time to focus on God and their own lives. Of course the person leading the meditations talk, and if you go to Mass, spiritual direction and Confession, you talk then, too. I go on one per year and have for 10 years .... though I'm afraid to this year with my new dietary issues ...

Here is a book I've found that has the format for you to do the retreat on your own if you're interested: Open Original Shared Link

Steve, if religion really meant being out there like that, most of us wouldn't be religious either. You have to remember that just because we believe God is perfect, that still doesn't mean those running his Church are. That being said, there is such a thing as exorcism, there is a Catholic priest in every diocese who is the exorcist, but it is a rare thing to be used .... and certainly NOT on someone as holy as Ursula ... In Indianapolis I met the exorcist. A VERY, VERY holy man .... he lived across the street from the state mental hospital and they called him over frequently. Talking to him may even get you to believe. But exorcism is only done in a state of prayer, by a very holy priest ... not as was described at this so called religious retreat that Ursula mentioned.

Carla, that was the sort of retreat I had in mind....

he lived across the street from the state mental hospital

OK Carla ... best to stop before I start thinking about the film!

[CarlaB]

OK Carla ... best to stop before I start thinking about the film!

Yea, it was really weird talking to this guy. He didn't tell stories by the way ... one of the most humble people I've ever met. He just exuded holiness in a mature way that is not often seen.

[emcmaster]

(((big hugs)))

I'm so sorry, Ursula.