The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Lisa]

For Amanda. See things could be worse.

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go

to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal

thermometer made by Johnson Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock

your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone

so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your

favorite chair. Open the package and remove the

thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a

surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from

the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in

small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is

personally tested and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I

am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality

control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE

ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN

YOURS!

[DingoGirl]

Emily, what you need is a good acronym . . .

You coud be a B.U.M. (Backside Unmentionables Manager)

or an A.S.S. (Anal Services Specialist)

:lol:

but why should Emily just be an A.S.S. when she could be a

Backside And Derriere Anal Services Specialist

B.A.D.A.S.S.

:lol:

OMG...

Sounds like a sacred place of worship...The River of Wee. One of the Eight Great Wonders of the World...

[

*snort* why yes, it does!

My other coworkers who all are aware of this problem have said I should talk to my supervisor about this but I am not sure where to start and even if it is a good idea.

Any suggestions on dealing with the rude?

oh, Amanda. People like this Nurse Ratchett are (h)ANUS. What they like to do is find victims upon which to inflict their torture. See, it's sort of like the canine world.....there are alphas and omegas, adn the alphas like to bully others at times. So this bee-och nurse will find people she can bully.......and you are probably an easy target since you are young adn very nice.

What you'll have to learn is to present yourself differently, put on some Frye boots and adopt your badass-ness.

Okay well that's probably not what you should do..... but you'll have to learn to spot the bullies in your working life, and REALLY hold your own with them......maintaining a presence of solid unflappability and standing up to them without necessarily SAYING anything is what can make them back down........

[Jestgar]

For Amanda. See things could be worse.

you could be working in the sacred Rivers of Wee department

[DingoGirl]

you could be working in the sacred Rivers of Wee department

Yes, cleaning up the errant urinary flow of middle-aged women with bad aim.

[Jestgar]

Sillies I need to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I work with this nurse and she is so darn rude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I was having another good day (which after this week felt nice) I was a doubting myself on an upcoming lab submission schedules so I wanted to double check with her just to make sure nothing got missed...

She told me I was wasting her time with stupid questions which I should know the answers to...she said more things but now I cannot remember any thing more since I was so mad and deep down offended....All it takes is one thing to turn a good day into hell....

I have always butted heads with this person, I guess with some people that relationship will never exist and I believe this is the case. There should be a point where you put all things aside and say look past this and we have a job to do....

My other coworkers who all are aware of this problem have said I should talk to my supervisor about this but I am not sure where to start and even if it is a good idea.

Any suggestions on dealing with the rude?

I think, unfortunately, it is because you're incredibly nice.

If you feel like you have a good relationship with your supervisor you could talk to her, but approach it as needing help, not complaining. Explain the event that just happened (practice on your friends so it doesn't come off whiny) and then ask your supervisor how you should have responded. You are never going to change this other person, so all you can do is figure out how to modify your own response so this unpleasant woman doesn't ruin your day.

[Green12]

River of WEE

Well that started my day off with a hoot and a holler

Amanda, I would IGNORE the rude. Don't absorb her nasty energy, and remember it is her stuff. It's not you.

[nikki-uk]

but why should Emily just be an A.S.S. when she could be a

Backside And Derriere Anal Services Specialist

B.A.D.A.S.S.

Perfect!!!!!!!!

Okay well that's probably not what you should do..... but you'll have to learn to spot the bullies in your working life, and REALLY hold your own with them......maintaining a presence of solid unflappability and standing up to them without necessarily SAYING anything is what can make them back down........

Stare them down - show no fear you mean???

...but Susie is right in saying there will alway's be bullies out there..it's kind of the law of things.

It is very hard not to be hurt by her spiteful comments ..but never let her see you are upset (she feeds off of it ..bloody bee-och )

Yes, cleaning up the errant urinary flow of middle-aged women with bad aim.

(H)Anus job

[blueeyedmanda]

I am trying, I am too nice and although I have gotten more tough when it comes to some people I could be a little more tough. I don't see things ever changing with this person, she is hard to get along with and I know others have problems with her, they may not all be as bad as mine but at least this woman has a reputation for being hard to work with, this helps me in the long run.

There are jobs much worse. I can totally relate to that. I would never wish working in the lab on anyone. Although I had alot of fun there and loved my coworkers, the management was terrible. Thankfully I worked 2nd shift so I dealt with management for an hour if that when I arrived. The morale was very very low. being on 2nd Shift, a lot of work got dumped from the 1st shift because they always used the "we're too busy" excuse.

Anyhoo...thankfully it is lunch time now, so that means 1/2 of today is already over. The weekend will be here soon and I can go home and enjoy the peace of mind knowing I won't have to deal with anyone until Monday.

[Jestgar]

Anyhoo...thankfully it is lunch time now, so that means 1/2 of today is already over. The weekend will be here soon and I can go home and enjoy the peace of mind knowing I won't have to deal with anyone until Monday.

Try doing something proactive with your weekend. Update your resume. Try using more 'power words' and see if they suit your personality.

Define exactly what your dream job would be and see what you'd have to do to achieve it.

Look through the want ads for other job possibilities.

Even if you aren't ready to leave your current job, I find that taking control of my situation makes everything much easier. You are more aware of your personal strength and abilities, and you have a better idea of what you're aiming for in life.

[jerseyangel]

Backside And Derriere Anal Services Specialist

B.A.D.A.S.S.

Beautifully done

Yes, cleaning up the errant urinary flow of middle-aged women with bad aim.

Gawd

Try doing something proactive with your weekend. Update your resume. Try using more 'power words' and see if they suit your personality.

Define exactly what your dream job would be and see what you'd have to do to achieve it.

Look through the want ads for other job possibilities.

Even if you aren't ready to leave your current job, I find that taking control of my situation makes everything much easier. You are more aware of your personal strength and abilities, and you have a better idea of what you're aiming for in life.

This is excellent advice. Puts you in back in control of the situation

[jerseyangel]

Hey, guess what? We're having a thunderstorm....in Pennsylvania.....in January

[elye]

but why should Emily just be an A.S.S. when she could be a

Backside And Derriere Anal Services Specialist

B.A.D.A.S.S.

YES!! With a Snow Poodle...and in fact, I currently have one of those, as Gus is out frolicking in the new 5cm we received yesterday...It's perfect!

but you'll have to learn to spot the bullies in your working life, and REALLY hold your own with them......maintaining a presence of solid unflappability and standing up to them without necessarily SAYING anything is what can make them back down........

Yep, great advice. I think it's true, Amanda--you're too nice, and she can get away with this behavior when directed at you. A tough skin is hard to grow, but at least you know it isn't YOU, as she is difficult with others, as well. Jess summed up very well the way you should approach your supervisor, and you must do this. Yesterday. Too bad you just can't send Jess in FOR you. In fact, I would like to send Jess in for many situations that impede my life...

you could be working in the sacred Rivers of Wee department

Ugh...That would be Proctology? Urology?

Try using more 'power words' and see if they suit your personality.

Absolutely...

This weekend, you need to calmly compose what you will say to her the next time this happens...using power words. Something like, "You, Madame, are nothing but a baranthrum. What, do you think I'm your famulous or something? You make me feel like a pilgarlick, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!...One more thing--you've got a face like a bloody mascaron. And I mean it!!" (Check Jess's great site!)

[jerseyangel]

Wow...remind me never to get on the bad side of Emily

[tom]

Hi Sarah!!!

<Look everyone!!! Sarah's back, yay!!>

Phew! Some hilarious catching up!

Emily! Yeti's butterfly save augmentations!!

Susie! (h)anus

On to the ubiquitous hovering -

Not a single hoverer mentions the option of using the seat's hinge? It exists solely for situations w/ airborne streams of weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Unless the act of hovering itself has a failure rate, why leave the seat down?

Is there possibly some innate fear of toilet-seat-touching coming into play - which would also explain the ALWAYS one-sided "leave the seat down" bit?

[DingoGirl]

..One more thing--you've got a face like a bloody mascaron. And I mean it!!" (Check Jess's great site!)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

damn near spit the coffee on teh keyboard on that one..............

[DingoGirl]

Is there possibly some innate fear of toilet-seat-touching coming into play - which would also explain the ALWAYS one-sided "leave the seat down" bit?

dear gawd.........a wad of toilet paper must be gathered to touch the seat.....but it HAS to be put down for me to get anywhere near a toilet....if I had to stand near a toilet with the seat up......and traces of wee and many MANY other things on it............just the idea of it gives me heart palpitations.....

banish the thought........BANISH THE THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Green12]

dear gawd.........a wad of toilet paper must be gathered to touch the seat.....but it HAS to be put down for me to get anywhere near a toilet....if I had to stand near a toilet with the seat up......and traces of wee and many MANY other things on it............just the idea of it gives me heart palpitations.....

banish the thought........BANISH THE THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This thought makes me want to hurl

Must look for more sanitary conditions to deposit my river of wee.

This weekend, you need to calmly compose what you will say to her the next time this happens...using power words. Something like, "You, Madame, are nothing but a baranthrum. What, do you think I'm your famulous or something? You make me feel like a pilgarlick, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!...One more thing--you've got a face like a bloody mascaron. And I mean it!!"

That will put her in her place!! And her nickers in a twist!

[Ridgewalker]

Hey everybody- sorry I've been MIA. I've been sort of battling a sinus infection since Thanksgiving, and it's been kicking my ass. This week has been awful- migraine type headaches, and the fatigue has been just ridiculous. I can't stay awake! I've been having to sit down and take a darn break while I'm grocery shopping. So I finally called the doc today. Yeah I know. That might've been a good idea a month ago, but who has money for the doctor around the holidays!?

Anyhow, the kids are doing great. The changes in Ezra have been dramatic. He's been gluten-free since October, and he's not had a rage or meltdown in a month. He's not having accidents anymore. He's participating and focusing more at school. Only one bad thing- His chronic cough, while it's decreased in frequency, is still there. We still don't know why.

How is everybody doing???

[DingoGirl]

SARAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! we were about to send Yeti and the dingos after you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is SUCH good news about Ezra!!!!!! I KNEW he would get better! Mygawd, do you realize you have changed the course of his life????? He will have solid mental health and a clear brain, adequate neurotransmitters and normal emotional response because of his wonderful mom??

I'm so happy for you and proud of you, for sticking by your guns. I"m sad that you've been sick.......but I'm too excited about Ezra to feel adequate remorse over that...

All of this talk of glands and wee and disgusting things has got me scrubbing my bathroom. What is SO HEINOUS is that I have the hardest water, and it stains/wrecks EVERYthing, and doesn't come off well if I don't wipe it up right away (which doesn't happen regularly )

some funnies from an email a silly just sent to me!!!!!!!!!!!!;;;;;;;;;;;;???????..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (see, the other punctuation marks don't have the same affect)

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it

in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check

you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see

myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store

my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but

beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can

make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I

think he went into this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin

sleep til afternoon.

And.... The best for last!

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I

think of it my nuts tighten up.

:lol: I like #11 and #3, of course

[blueeyedmanda]

Patti- The thunder was rolling at our house at 5 AM today....and it shook the whole house! John thought a tornado was coming, he was freaking out on me. Even the cat got upset.....Welcome to PA crazy winters!!!!

[jerseyangel]

Welcome to PA crazy winters!!!!

I guess so! In the past month, we've had rain, sleet, snow, fog, a 70 degree day, a thunderstorm, an ice storm--what's next

[Darn210]

I guess so! In the past month, we've had rain, sleet, snow, fog, a 70 degree day, a thunderstorm, an ice storm--what's next

Patti, you do know that you are the reason for the odd influx of fluid weather . . . what with you having 10,000 posts and all. Mum's the word . . . we would hate for them to kick you out of the state.

[blueeyedmanda]

Patti, you do know that you are the reason for the odd influx of fluid weather . . . what with you having 10,000 posts and all. Mum's the word . . . we would hate for them to kick you out of the state.

Agreed...and as a fellow PA resident, if Patti could contain all fluids to her area code, that would be appreciated

j/k

Once John and I got caught on the interstate during a blinding snow squall, driving through the midst of it was strange, there was thunder and lighting in the middle of this white-out blizzard. The first time I heard thunder I though it was cars crashing around us, cause there were cars in ditches and everything....talk about fluids that day, I almost escaped some of my own that was cary!

[jerseyangel]

Patti, you do know that you are the reason for the odd influx of fluid weather . . . what with you having 10,000 posts and all. Mum's the word . . . we would hate for them to kick you out of the state.

See, now I knew that my big mouth (so to speak) would get me into trouble....do ya think they're on to me

[Darn210]

I posted this last summer on another thread before I was brave enough to jump into the silly vortex. Some of you probably saw it, but it is one of my favoUrites and bears repeating for those that didn't see it.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Hold cat firmly in left arm as if holding a baby. Position right

forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure

to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill

into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm

and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws

tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with

right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear

paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden

ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton

figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat

with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw.

Force mouth open with pencil and blow down

drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of

water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove

blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in

cupboard and close door onto neck leave head showing. Force mouth open with

dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with

elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.

Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize

to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last

pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to

leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's

mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece

of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to

wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor

stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop

by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to

see if they have any hamsters