The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Ridgewalker]

uh, yeah, uh thanks

:lol: ...and here I was like, Well hurry up Susie, you can't leave me dangling like that!

[Ridgewalker]

and SARAH!!!!!!!!!! Holy Stinking Cesspool Batman.......you must NEVER use a porta-potty on a construction site!!!!!!!!!!!! (or anywhere, for that matter.) ALWAYS find a place to wee outside........men do it, why not us? Surely there is a building or tree to squat behind.......

*gag*

Normally I would agree, I assure you! But there is always the chance of a stray painter walking by, and well........... and I CAN'T hold it. I really can't. My brain doesn't even work when I have to pee. And then if I cough, it's all over. (So to speak.)

[Jestgar]

and I CAN'T hold it. I really can't. My brain doesn't even work when I have to pee. And then if I cough, it's all over. (So to speak.)

:lol: :lol:

I have this problem in the morning if I don't get out of bed quick enough :lol:

[DingoGirl]

...and here I was like, Well hurry up Susie, you can't leave me dangling like that!

oh yeah.....I would have cleared out the entire building.......the......the.........stench of c. diff. is like nothing else in the world....................

*gag* *wretch* *shudder*

Well....here you go - - - - (not for the faint of heart - but we're pretty gross tough here, eh? )

We were pouring wine at this POSH party - 2000 people - at the Monterey Jet Center. Annual invitation-only party for RICH people and their hangers-on coinciding w/ the Concours d'Elegance (world-famous car show). So, Talbott was the only winery to pour there, every year- quite an honoUr. We really looked forward to this great people-watching event....Chopard jewelers, among other posh vendors, was there - armed guards all around their corner.....and the most luxe cars in the world.....and some of the truly wealthiest people in the world.....we were their peons, pouring their wine. Maseratis, Bentleys, ancient prized Ferraris and precious cars of every variety, in this giant jet hanger.......and THEN - - the airplanes outside.......gawd. People were actually there to BUY things, too.......

So......I had been feeling not so well for the two days prior to this event.....queasy and couldn't eat much. The day of the event, I could hardly eat a thing.....was deathly pale and weak but wouldn't miss that party for anything. (lots of flirting too, dontcha know. )

During the evening I felt faint......very very hot and cold.....chills......and feeling sicker by the minute. AFter about two hours of feigning charm, and with the headache of death, my stomach really starts rumbling, and my co-workers looked at me like this quite startled by my ashen-ness.

Soon, I am feeling taht this volcanus eruptus was gonna blow.....so I run outside to the potties......my lord.......it's a LONG trailer w/ about six stalls in it......very, very elegant, clean, plush, etc., no malodorous qualities of any kind, and nicer than any of our homes, I am quite sure.

I can just feel that an explosion is imminent.....and it's NOT going to be good.....and instincts told me that this was going to be the TSUNAMI of all blowouts, and would CLEAR OUT not only the whole potty suite, but perhaps even its immediate environs...it really was just far too uncivilized - nay, AMORAL - for me to inflict such a noxious, odious terr-or upon these civilized innocents.

So I RAN back to my post, gathered my things, RAN to the car, and drove like a bat outta hell to my house - a five-minute drive condensed to about two..........holding and holding and HOLDING in this devil-rot ........

oh my holy Looooooooooord................when I got home, the explosion of the century.......unlike anything EVER in my whole life...............

So.......I lost nearly 20 pounds in two weeks......it was in fact c. diff.....ended up in hospital on IV for dehydration.....mom had to come take care of me for five days...... and BTW this was most likely my trigger for Celiac.

Well, needless to say, I am most thankful I made it all the way home.........

mygawd, this is a story you could ONLY tell on a celiac forum..................

oh gee, aren't you all glad I shared this???????????????????? :lol:

[Ridgewalker]

Oh... mah... gah....

And the moral of the story is-- Susie had the Hummer Limousine of Porta-potties at her disposal and still refused to use it, even at the risk of exploding in her car! She's got more restraint than I, that's for sure.

Seriously, that sounds like a MOST hideous event!!! But so entertainingly told!

[tom]

Yeah, I got done writing that, and was like, "Hmmm, that's a bit more than he asked for." Yup, alto. I haven't picked it up in a jillion years. I do have a vague idea of what woodshedding is, though!

Well I was more than happy to read all that musical info!! Almost thhhhhhhrrrrrilled even!

tom . . . haven't the vaguest idea what woodshedding is . . . is that where the kid hides the sax in the woodshed to get out of practicing?

Janet, I THEENK "woodshedding" is when you do some hard-core solitary practicing. Is that right, Tom???

BAM! Nailed it!

Yes hard-core and often for extended periods. And borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring a lot of the time, running thru all sorts of exercises in each of 12 keys.

BUT!!!! It must be done if I'm to get back to playing wif bands. :)

Had a rough night last night and things are still downhill....not sure where to turn....more info later.

scary loos? Try Poland. Didn't want to touch anything in that little box. And they were cleaned at the end of the day by spraying the little boxes with presumably incredibly toxic chemicals.

Ugh that'd test how long I can hold my breath!!!

And on the 'foreign loo' topic .. . .. .anyone been to Asia??

Some establishments have a token "western toilet", but the typical situation is literally a hole in the floor!!

The thing that always amused me was that on each side of the hole are foot-shaped indentations which I've never fully understood. Are they for better grip? Are they to indicate which way to face while hole-hovering?

Luckily I was never desperate enough to USE the hole for #2. (needless to say I'm sure, all this was pre-celiac)

[Jestgar]

And on the 'foreign loo' topic .. . .. .anyone been to Asia??

Some establishments have a token "western toilet", but the typical situation is literally a hole in the floor!!

The thing that always amused me was that on each side of the hole are foot-shaped indentations which I've never fully understood. Are they for better grip? Are they to indicate which way to face while hole-hovering?

Luckily I was never desperate enough to USE the hole for #2. (needless to say I'm sure, all this was pre-celiac)

Oh Lordy!! I lived in Armenia and have traveled to Turkey and Egypt. Used those things for years!! Even worse is an outhouse in those areas. Never ever ever cleaned or moved (and yes, they do get full). (and, you know there's no toilet paper or water to wash up with or hand sanitizer or a clean patch of grass or...)

[elye]

oh my gaaaaaaaawd

Is there ANY subject we haven't covered here?????

...Oh, gosh...don't get me started...

PATTI - OMG - yes, could be stale wee, left by previous owners, OR.....Mark really COULD be leaving his mark in the corner......you know, you really DON"T know what he's doing whilst you are asleep.........

Yes, Patti...perhaps he's trying, canine-like, to ward off other males. You do have a smashing new hairstyle...

....nearly exploded my clostridium difficile explosion in there............. good gawd -

Okay...time for my gluten-free stew lunch...super...

The thing that always amused me was that on each side of the hole are foot-shaped indentations which I've never fully understood. Are they for better grip? Are they to indicate which way to face while hole-hovering?

...Perhaps for our purses?

[jerseyangel]

:lol: :lol:

I have this problem in the morning if I don't get out of bed quick enough :lol:

Hee hee--me too.

Susie--

OMGawd--what a story Can't believe you held it in until you got home... sphincter of steel you must have

Shortly before I quit my job , I had an attack of D at work.....I worked in a high school, and when it hit, I was a full hallway away from the nearest staff bathroom.

I can clearly remember how I walked as quickly as I could whilst trying not to let go right there in the hall. Twas one of the scariest moments of my life.....I actually prayed on that long walk!

[jerseyangel]

Okay...time for my gluten-free stew lunch...super...

Darn good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read this!

[elye]

Susie--

sphincter of steel you must have

EXCELLENT.....Talk about super-hero status: Susie, the Sphincter of Steel...all of this on a long, billowing cape...

...All kidding aside, Susie...you really do, by the sounds of things, have an enviable sphincter....

[blueeyedmanda]

Did I ever tell you my gross explosion story?

At work, for our birthdays we each put in $3 and that gets the birthday person cake and lunch at the place of their choice. So this past year, in August, I choose Issac's Deli as my place, I always had wonderful experiences there with their staff. So 10 of us went to lunch, we had salads or sandwiches. By the time we were rolling back into the hospital the familiar "D" cramp came on.....I was thinking boy I must have got some CC somewhere.

So I head down to the loo and decided to go to the 3rd floor loo...ours only has 2 stalls and is a heavy traffic area. I ended up puking a bit and then I came down. I passed a coworker in the hall who asked what was wrong, I told them I didn't feel well....they asaid they too were having stomach problems. I got into my office and noticed a few people missing. My "D" hit and I went running back down the hall.

So I arrived back to my sacred bathroom in time, and the mother of all explosions erupts...I felt like my stomach was going to fall right through my bum....it was the worst I ever felt in all my pre-celiac days (and those were some rough days) So a coworker comes up to check on me, she says everyone is sick.

I come downstairs to find a stomach bug infested office. 8 of the 10 had food poisioning, we got compensated for our meals and still have free coupons to go back to Issac's although we have not gone there yet.....

I was always terrified of being sick at work, I overcame that in one day and I have people who went through the same thing that day. So it was a birthday I will never forget....The day I turned 25! LOL...boy was it fun

[jerseyangel]

Amanda--

I actually remember you talking about that right after it happened. How awful for all of you, but at least that time you weren't the only one

[blueeyedmanda]

LOL- you're right about that Patti.

One day I was not so lucky and it happened in the car...I was on the interstate an hour away from my destination....worst ride of my life.

[Green12]

Susie, the Sphincter of Steel...all of this on a long, billowing cape...

That's quite a mental image.....

[Mtndog]

Uncle Rray is baaaccckkkk!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6-- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the

departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended

her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket,

not your stub.'

S MART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen

turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough

for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any

bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who

was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting

for you all day,' the cop said.

The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.

' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2-- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backedup for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps

for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;

I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

He never heard the shot..

[nikki-uk]

I have this problem in the morning if I don't get out of bed quick enough :lol:

...If the house were on fire I'd have to have a wee first

I can just feel that an explosion is imminent.....and it's NOT going to be good.....and instincts told me that this was going to be the TSUNAMI of all blowouts, and would CLEAR OUT not only the whole potty suite, but perhaps even its immediate environs...it really was just far too uncivilized - nay, AMORAL - for me to inflict such a noxious, odious terr-or upon these civilized innocents.

Noxious, odious TERROR

Volcanus devil-rot

And on the 'foreign loo' topic .. . .. .anyone been to Asia??

Some establishments have a token "western toilet", but the typical situation is literally a hole in the floor!!

The thing that always amused me was that on each side of the hole are foot-shaped indentations which I've never fully understood. Are they for better grip? Are they to indicate which way to face while hole-hovering?

Luckily I was never desperate enough to USE the hole for #2. (needless to say I'm sure, all this was pre-celiac)

Only fair *I* share even if NOT a coeliac myself

On holiday vacation with my parents in Bulgaria (I was about 15 yrs old)....we had gone to an organised authentic Bulgarian evening with dinner and local music ..etc....

As usual my IBS struck me down after dinner (what the heck was in that Bulgarian ghoulash??????? )

...HAD to get to the loo..PRONTO!!!....sweat trickling down my face....could barely stand straight.........doing that silly walk

DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........when I say 'authentic' it clearly included the loos.

Nowt more than a hole in the stinking quagmire of a floor ....with a hose hanging up (just in case you got an attack of the squits as I had maybe??? ) ........didn't feel nauseous AS well 'til I got in there.

GAD!!!....scarred me for life........but (for some reason) my parents still get a chuckle out of that fateful eve...........

''Do you remember that night in Bulgaria??........do you remember Nicola's face when she saw the loo...*chortle*.....never SEEN anyone look SO ill (or be so ill)''

Ha - bloody - ha

[jerseyangel]

Uncle Rray is baaaccckkkk!

I copied and sent those to Mark.

''Do you remember that night in Bulgaria??........do you remember Nicola's face when she saw the loo...*chortle*.....never SEEN anyone look SO ill (or be so ill)''

Ha - bloody - ha

Adding insult to injury

[tom]

ROFL Bev!! Uncle Ray's done it again!! :lol:

Ack Nicola!!! "Ha - bloody - ha" indeed

P.S. Do the so-called "Post Icons" still show up for everyone else?

They used to for me, but not for awhile now. Maybe not since the eye-scalding green scheme was introduced/discarded.

[DingoGirl]

Normally I would agree, I assure you! But there is always the chance of a stray painter walking by, and well........... and I CAN'T hold it. I really can't. My brain doesn't even work when I have to pee. And then if I cough, it's all over. (So to speak.)

I would have NO problem squatting/peeing in front of a painter, worker, any kind of hapless male passing by. It's all in the dead-on stare you give them. They would say nothing. I'd rather have a village see me wee then go into a stinky outhouse, any day.....

...All kidding aside, Susie...you really do, by the sounds of things, have an enviable sphincter....

Why yes, yes I do. Quite proud of my sphincter.

I come downstairs to find a stomach bug infested office. 8 of the 10 had food poisioning, we got compensated for our meals and still have free coupons to go back to Issac's although we have not gone there yet.....

hANUS story but MOST convenient that you all spewed together!!!!!!!!!!!

Noxious, odious TERROR

Volcanus devil-rot

hafta say, I WAS chortling to myself over those word choices

Nicola - Ha BLOODY ha indeed!!!!!!!!!!!

and OMG Bulgaria? You yer-oe-PEE-ans get to go everywhere exotic, by proximity. <jealous>

P.S. Do the so-called "Post Icons" still show up for everyone else?

They used to for me, but not for awhile now. Maybe not since the eye-scalding green scheme was introduced/discarded.

what in hell are you talking about.......

UNCLE RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: outstanding........

[Darn210]

I would have NO problem squatting/peeing in front of a painter, worker, any kind of hapless male passing by. It's all in the dead-on stare you give them. They would say nothing. I'd rather have a village see me wee then go into a stinky outhouse, any day.....

Nope . . . I'm headed to the port-o-let. Wipe nasty things away, touch things only with a tissue in my hand. . . that's why I carry an economy size box of tissue in my purse.

UNCLE RAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: outstanding........

Agreed . . . and although I've never met Uncle Ray, I have a feeling he's a bit of a Smart Ass himself.

OK, I do not have a diarrhea story to share . . . I'm sorry, I'll work on it.

I can tell you that one time I suddenly came down with the stomach flu at work. The first 30 minutes, I just stayed in the bathroom vomitting about every 5 minutes. Then I would sit at my desk and stare off into space until the next wave hit (about every 10 to 15 minutes). The guy across the aisle was mortified but he did go and get me a 7up to sip on. I couldn't go home because it took about 25 minutes to get from my desk to my front door. This went on for about 3hours until the puking interval eventually got long enough that I could make my commute. I would say a good 15 to 20 people were aware of what I was going through.

[DingoGirl]

I couldn't go home because it took about 25 minutes to get from my desk to my front door. This went on for about 3hours until the puking interval eventually got long enough that I could make my commute. I would say a good 15 to 20 people were aware of what I was going through.

:lol:

vomitous heinositous

oops - - I meant - oh sorry, Janet, that is HANUS!!!!!!!!!!!! (well, it WAS kinda funny)

[jerseyangel]

I can tell you that one time I suddenly came down with the stomach flu at work.

That is horrible

One thing I'm lucky about is that I almost never vomit--only when pregnant (and that ship has sailed )

[Mtndog]

Oh ma gah is right- the exploding bowel stories are crazy- of course i have one :ph34r:Actually- two- not sure which one is funnier. And emoticonage denied amidst all this talk of foul bowls!

We didn't always have 3--but he's 17 now.....I want to make it as easy as possible for him--and me

Patti- for just a WEE second I thought Allo had had 17 litter boxes at one point

Amanda- SO GLAD YOU ARE FEELING BETTER!

aw Julie, that long ago????? Annie says you REALLY need another one!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't manage without her.......the ONLY time in my entire life I was pet-free was when Cookster died.......I waited six weeks and then got the Stink......it was a TERRIBLE and very lonely six weeks.......

Me thinks Julie would look LOVELY with a fuzzy Husky puppy!

OMG - must tell you all the story of this extraordinarily POSH suite of porta potties in Monterey - - and I was sicker than hell.......nearly exploded my clostridium difficile explosion in there............. good gawd - I'll tell you all later..........

Oh my gawd again.........she said clostridium difficile like it's an organ!!!!!!!!!

and SARAH!!!!!!!!!! Holy Stinking Cesspool Batman.......you must NEVER use a porta-potty on a construction site!!!!!!!!!!!! (or anywhere, for that matter.) ALWAYS find a place to wee outside........men do it, why not us? Surely there is a building or tree to squat behind.......

*gag*

Agreed! I really will pee anywhere (growing up in the country and such but am quite particular about where I poop. Ahh...I have three stories...one time I was the bear who shat in the woods (most recent story- actually funniest of three. It was this summer I had OD'd on OxyPowder (a colon cleanser). On vacation with my family- dad, sister, BIL, nieces, and Kurt. We are all driving across the Kancamagus Highway (mountain pass in Nude hampshire) when I realize today would have been a good day for Depends!

Pull off at "Scenic Overlook" parking area and I RUN into the woods. Meanwhile there are a bunch of Quebec-ian bikers (Harleys, not bicycles) milling about and I am trying to find a tree to hide behind. Locate tree, avoid bikers. Success! Luckily my sister's youngest is 2 so you can guess what Auntie Bev wore for the rest of the day! I wasn't even advanced enough for the Elmo pull-up! My dad laughed his arse off!

And the moral of the story is-- Susie had the Hummer Limousine of Porta-potties at her disposal and still refused to use it, even at the risk of exploding in her car! She's got more restraint than I, that's for sure.

It's that Superhero Sphincter of Steel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCELLENT.....Talk about super-hero status: Susie, the Sphincter of Steel...all of this on a long, billowing cape...

...All kidding aside, Susie...you really do, by the sounds of things, have an enviable sphincter....

Emily- You are a killer!!!!!!!!!!!! ENVIABLE SPHINCTER!

Agreed . . . and although I've never met Uncle Ray, I have a feeling he's a bit of a Smart Ass himself.

OK, I do not have a diarrhea story to share . . . I'm sorry, I'll work on it.

Oh Janet- Uncle ray is one of a kind!!!!!!!!!

And you don't HAVE to work on that diarrhea story too hard. Really. we'll be OK if you don't

[elye]

I would h ave NO problem squatting/peeing in front of a painter, worker, any kind of hapless male passing by. It's all in the dead-on stare you give them. They would say nothing. I'd rather have a village see me wee then go into a stinky outhouse, any day.....

Well, sure. That, Susie, is because you are 'quite proud' of your sphincter.

what in hell are you talking about.......

Yes, Tom...What in Hell...post icons?

Nope . . . I'm headed to the port-o-let. Wipe nasty things away, touch things only with a tissue in my hand. . . that's why I carry an economy size box of tissue in my purse.

I also would choose the horrific port-o-poop over the flagrant squatting before a team of construction workers, unless I were pissed. Alcohol, as I recall, made those kind of choices much easier. I had many a drunken visit into the men's bathrooms while partying on campus as a young, foolish sophomore. There would be a lineup of ten girls in the women's, and none in the guys'. Sober, I wouldn't even consider it. But as the night wore on, it just seemed sillier and sillier not to pop into the empty boy's room.

Did I ever pee in a urinal? .......Hmmm...likely...

There was no hovering back then. I was young, foolish, and seemingly invincible....