The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Mtndog]

Check these out:

Open Original Shared Link

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I love snopes!

[Mtndog]

My first guess is that I'm a forum moron. Try this:

Open Original Shared Link

THAT IS SCARY!

[CarlaB]

My first guess is that I'm a forum moron. Try this:

Open Original Shared Link

I guess that would keep celiacs from cheating! Seems like that's where we're headed.

[CarlaB]

Well, we got all the viruses off the computer and got Norton installed, BUT we still have a Chinese home page and if you change it, it changes right back!!! Looks like Luke gets to spend another several hours on the phone with Norton!

[nikki-uk]

Carla, I'm having computer problems too!!!

My monitor blew up (I'm using my son's computer right now ...ewww,sticky keyboard and heinous mess up here in his loft room )..so won't be getting on much until I get a new monitor

...but carry on!!...I'll catch up at some point

[JackieM]

Richard,

It takes a real man to drive a mini van. I know that advice may not help, but it sounds good.

Now if you want to get artistic, you could get very creative with the van. A few ideas might be:

Get a personalized license plate that says. MAN-VAN-GRR or......

Paint it psychodelic colors and paint, THE LOVE VAN on the sides. You would be the envy of all men. or...............

Make a few adjustments, buy some hard rock cds, get some smokin' mag wheels, jack it up a few feet. Add a hemi engine, Add a few pipes around, skull and bones decals on the side windows, and a personalized bumper sticker that reads, 'Bad 2 Da Bone' No one will mess with ya, but then you might get a reputation that you don't want. Hey it's a trade off, what can I say?

[DingoGirl]

Carla, I'm having computer problems too!!!

My monitor blew up (I'm using my son's computer right now ...ewww,sticky keyboard and heinous mess up here in his loft room )..so won't be getting on much until I get a new monitor

...but carry on!!...I'll catch up at some point

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww boys are so stinky and gross, aren't they?

Richard,

It takes a real man to drive a mini van. I know that advice may not help, but it sounds good.

Now if you want to get artistic, you could get very creative with the van. A few ideas might be:

Get a personalized license plate that says. MAN-VAN-GRR or......

Paint it psychodelic colors and paint, THE LOVE VAN on the sides. You would be the envy of all men. or...............

Make a few adjustments, buy some hard rock cds, get some smokin' mag wheels, jack it up a few feet. Add a hemi engine, Add a few pipes around, skull and bones decals on the side windows, and a personalized bumper sticker that reads, 'Bad 2 Da Bone' No one will mess with ya, but then you might get a reputation that you don't want. Hey it's a trade off, what can I say?

Jackie oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd the man van, oh Richard you MUST do some of these things......fantastic ideas, all of them.....

Nice to see you Jackie

Bev - - the FROG TONGUE - - love this sentence from the Chinese "directions:"

"Inspite of it is sticky, it is never like the chewing guns which is glued tightly and cannot be separated."

and NO, I would not walk on that Grand Canyon freaky loop-thing.

Carry on, sillies........................

[TriticusToxicum]

Richard,

It takes a real man to drive a mini van. I know that advice may not help, but it sounds good.

Now if you want to get artistic, you could get very creative with the van. A few ideas might be:

Get a personalized license plate that says. MAN-VAN-GRR or......

Paint it psychodelic colors and paint, THE LOVE VAN on the sides. You would be the envy of all men. or...............

Make a few adjustments, buy some hard rock cds, get some smokin' mag wheels, jack it up a few feet. Add a hemi engine, Add a few pipes around, skull and bones decals on the side windows, and a personalized bumper sticker that reads, 'Bad 2 Da Bone' No one will mess with ya, but then you might get a reputation that you don't want. Hey it's a trade off, what can I say?

I've already carpeted the dash, installed the disco ball and strobe light and dropped the suspension 8 insches. I've order some 20" chrome wheels and a variable height hydraulic ride kit. You'll see me hopping down the street and sparking out the back.

I can't quite get used to driving with the strobe light on...it certainly does keep the kids quiet!

[Mtndog]

I've already carpeted the dash, installed the disco ball and strobe light and dropped the suspension 8 insches. I've order some 20" chrome wheels and a variable height hydraulic ride kit. You'll see me hopping down the street and sparking out the back.

I can't quite get used to driving with the strobe light on...it certainly does keep the kids quiet!

OMG- JackieM , you may be NEW but you are so IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to PIMP Ze AUTO!

My computer's broken to. Gluten. Unfortunately, it's the one inside my head. Blech!

[Jestgar]

OMG- JackieM , you may be NEW but you are so IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to PIMP Ze AUTO!

My computer's broken to. Gluten. Unfortunately, it's the one inside my head. Blech!

You glutened your computer??

[Mtndog]

You glutened your computer??

No silly, my brain!

[Mtndog]

And

[DingoGirl]

oh my gaaaaaawd - - - - it really DOES stick to the pole

Bev - so sorry your computer brain is still glutened. you must re-boot. Read 25 pages of the Silly Yak thread and call us in the morning.

[CarlaB]

Carla, I'm having computer problems too!!!

My monitor blew up (I'm using my son's computer right now ...ewww,sticky keyboard and heinous mess up here in his loft room )..so won't be getting on much until I get a new monitor

...but carry on!!...I'll catch up at some point

My computer is getting a new screen (laptop). Fortunately, it's covered ... we barely made the end of the warranty getting the keyboard fixed, and there's a 90 day warranty on everything after any work is done, so the screen is covered!!

The kids computer is another story all together ... needs another new operating system, we can't get rid of the chinese stuff. We ordered a new disk today, and my son will have to do the work. We tell him, when you make mistakes, there are consequences ...

[CarlaB]

And

My sister was licking the snow off a gate and got her tongue stuck. Years later, the skin it ripped off was still there.

[DingoGirl]

My sister was licking the snow off a gate and got her tongue stuck. Years later, the skin it ripped off was still there.

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

[Mtndog]

Double EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jerseyangel]

Triple Ew-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-

[DingoGirl]

well HARRUMPH, where is everyone today?

here's a funny - - I esp. like the ones about Starbucks and the Chinese tattoos...... oh and the casher one, too.....

George Carlin's Rules for 2007:

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What

did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde

teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these

kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're

a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're

a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about

your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of

this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,

but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour

some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a

redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is

now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass

will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the

Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low

fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light

ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge

jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,

entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,

no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is

supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

doesn't make you spiritual.. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,

because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned

exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing

that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old

television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote

so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the

reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea

wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't

gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After

I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex

with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or

just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I

just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27

months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't

really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays

better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every

available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do

you want fries with that?"

[Mtndog]

OMG! AWESOME- my dad loves George carlin!

I haven't been feeling very funny these days (gluten ) but I really need to play. Let me see what I can whip out.

Where is Richard? He's been eaten by his job, Carla and Nikki's computers have been eaten by viruses. We CANNOT let this thread die!

I need:

Viagra Coffee

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Speaking of Fast Food:

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

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1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.

4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"

12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

I like #7 the best!

[CarlaB]

No, my computer is getting a new screen!!! It's my kids computer that has the viruses, thankfully it's not mine!!!

This guy walked into a bar and sitting on top of the bar was a miniature piano with a miniature man playing it. The guy asked the bartender where the miniature pianist had come from. The bartender said that he got it from a genie and gave the genie bottle to the man. Next thing you know, there are a million ducks in the bar! The guy said, "I asked for a million BUCKS!" The bartender said, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Loved the old couple in McDonalds!

[jerseyangel]

Mark and I saw George Carlin live back in the 70's. He was funny then, and is still funny now!

Richard is most likely getting the little ones settled down to bed so he can watch 'Lost' later on. I just hope I can stay awake until 10

The truth about rye bread~~

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on

Their usual Century Village bench one morning

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog

And wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina

And asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread

Every day. It keeps your energy level high and

You'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at

The bakery. As he was looking around, the lady

Asked if he needed any help. He said,

"Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.

Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you

Get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the

World knows about this stuff but me.

[Mtndog]

GO PATTI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DingoGirl]

*snigger* *snort*

you guys are such the comediennes! ha ha, I bet you just flew in, and BOY ARE YOUR ARMS TIRED............

I don't really know any jokes. But I will send this thing to Bev about how to fold shirts and make her post it on here. I was amazed and had to watch it twice.

just made my famous herbed/veggie/meatloaf (w/ meat and grated zukes, carrots/handfuls of herbs) and am awaiting my delicious feast. Last night I ate almost a whole bag of TJ's soy/flaxseed tortilla chips for dinner. Um, I thought I was intolerant to flaxseeds (didn't care because I love my chips so) but no reaction today. it's all so confusing.

RICHARD - - COME BACK TO US!

[Mtndog]

*snigger* *snort*

you guys are such the comediennes! ha ha, I bet you just flew in, and BOY ARE YOUR ARMS TIRED............

I don't really know any jokes. But I will send this thing to Bev about how to fold shirts and make her post it on here. I was amazed and had to watch it twice.

just made my famous herbed/veggie/meatloaf (w/ meat and grated zukes, carrots/handfuls of herbs) and am awaiting my delicious feast. Last night I ate almost a whole bag of TJ's soy/flaxseed tortilla chips for dinner. Um, I thought I was intolerant to flaxseeds (didn't care because I love my chips so) but no reaction today. it's all so confusing.

RICHARD - - COME BACK TO US!

Dude- That's crazy Open Original Shared Link

Funny Bumper Stickers:

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

This one is my personal favorite: My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.