Jump to content
This site uses cookies. Continued use is acceptance of our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. More Info... ×
  • Welcome to Celiac.com!

    You have found your celiac tribe! Join us and ask questions in our forum, share your story, and connect with others.




  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A1):



    Celiac.com Sponsor (A1-M):


  • Get Celiac.com Updates:
    Support Our Content
    eNewsletter
    Donate

The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original


TriticusToxicum

Recommended Posts

DingoGirl Enthusiast

"I gotta FEVAH, and the only prescription, is more COWBELL" :lol: I have seen that clip at least six times and love it every time......am going to now find Christopher Walken (yes I would marry him) on that silly dancing video we all love.....

Okay, I might have just a TOUCH of my mojo back.....we will see....... :unsure:


Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):



Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):



  • Replies 51k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Kyalesyin Apprentice

Sorry if these have been posted before, my Aunt Mel just sent them to me, and I think they're fabulous.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

nikki-uk Enthusiast

Nice one 'Aunt Mel' ! :D

....I often wondered these things too.. :blink:

Mtndog Collaborator

Those are hysterical- your aunt Mel needs to meet my Uncle Ray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mtndog Collaborator

OK- here's what we do best:

Open Original Shared Link

nikki-uk Enthusiast
OK- here's what we do best:

Open Original Shared Link

An excellent idea! (to flush for world peace)

..but can I just say I disapprove of flushing whilst still sitting LOL! ....and reading as well (of course everyone has their own toilet etiquette :lol: )

...and who knew there was a Open Original Shared Link?..says nothing about reading though - must just be me :lol:

Mtndog Collaborator

That is HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to join! :ph34r:


Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):



Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):



Jestgar Rising Star

Open Original Shared Link

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!

Jestgar Rising Star

>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

>>to the following questions!!

>>

>>

>>Why did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

>>

>>2. Mostly to clean the house.

>>

>>3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

>>

>>

>>How did God make mothers?

>>

>>1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

>>

>>2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

>>

>>3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

>>parts.

>>

>>

>>What ingredients are mothers made of?

>>

>>1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

>>the

>>world and one dab of mean.

>>

>>2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

>>string

>> I think

>>

>>

>>Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?

>>

>>1. We're related

>>

>>2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

>>

>>

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.

>>

>>

>>What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

>>

>>1. His last name.

>>

>>2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk

>>on

>>beer?

>>

>>3. Does he make a t least $800 a year? Did he say NO to dr ugs and YES to

>>chores?

>>

>>

>>Why did your mom marry your dad?

>>

>>1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

>>

>>2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

>>

>>3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

>>

>>

>>Who's the boss at your house?

>>

>>1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

>>ball.

>>

>>2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

>>

>>3. I guess Mom is. But only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

>>

>>

>>What's the difference between moms & dads?

>>

>>1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

>>

>>2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

>>

>>3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

>>that

>>s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

>>

>>4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

>>

>>What does your mom do in her spare time?

>>

>>1. Mothers don't do spare time.

>>

>>2. To hear her tell it, she pay s bills all day long.

>>

>>

>>What would it take to make your mom perfect?

>>

>>1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

>>plastic surgery.

>>

>>2. Diet, you know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

>>

>>

>>If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

>>

>>1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

>>that.

>>

>>2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did

>>it

>>and not me.

>>

>>3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

>>her head.

nikki-uk Enthusiast
Open Original Shared Link

A bunch of videos. Pick the one you want to see blended!

LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:

nikki-uk Enthusiast
>> Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school

>> children

Hee-hee :D

These are of course all true!! ;)

..but these in particular made me laugh as I know my kids think like this :lol:

>>What kind of little girl was your mom?

>>

>>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

>>

>>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

>>bossy.

>>

>>3. They say she used to be nice.

Mtndog Collaborator
LOL!! :lol::lol:

...oh, they are just excellent!!!!!

...but the real test would be a loaf of rock hard EnerG gluten-free bread....now...will it blend??? :unsure:

Sadly- TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went with the rake handle. I bet that thing would make a darn good margarita (minus the splinters :P ).

This is very silly:

jerseyangel Proficient

Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:

Mtndog Collaborator
Thanks, Bev--now I'm gonna have "shave it, pluck it, wax it" going through my mind for the rest of the night :lol:

:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!

nikki-uk Enthusiast
:ph34r: Sorry but I couldn't resist being a recovered Unibrower myself- I swear I MUST have Italian blood in me!

:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )

Mtndog Collaborator
:lol: ..but do you shave ( :o ), pluck, or wax???? :unsure:

I must admit to occasionally pinning down hubby to pluck the ridiculously long stray ones - (eldest son won't let me......Wuss!!! :rolleyes: )

Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!

nikki-uk Enthusiast
Electrolysis baby! They forgot that in the song! It's permanent- awwww yeah!

Shave it

Pluck it

Zap it

It's getting drastic!

:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, Open Original Shared Link things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )

Jestgar Rising Star

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The Woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I' d heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Jestgar Rising Star

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the poop out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Mtndog Collaborator
:lol: Excellent idea!!! (though brave Bev !! ;) )

Check this out, Open Original Shared Link things people do to get on youtube!! :blink: )

OMG- THAT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hind-lick maneuver :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jestgar- Vodka has the SAME effect on me- JUST ASK MY POOR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's another from my uncle:

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

nikki-uk Enthusiast

Thanks for the great jokes guys !!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

(Bev, I LOVE your uncle!! ;) )

We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Mtndog Collaborator
We're off tonight to see West End show Mary Poppin's with the kids.....so it's only appropiate that I post a (clean) joke about her :P

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I love my uncle too- he's a hoot!

YouTube Video of the Day. It's

This song CRACKS me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's by Ill Mitch (NOT in the video). He's a Russian skateboarder. Silly!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's his webpage: Open Original Shared Link

Jestgar Rising Star
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I totally didn't see that coming!!

gfp Enthusiast

Ok, now this cracks me up :D

Visa add some charge to my card, it was 27p (about 40c) but I have no other transacations that month on that card.

I forget what is was a currency transaction... some surcharge they added the followingg month.

it costs me about 50% more to post a cheque (standard rate) and about 20x more for a guaranteed delivery...

Today I get my bill ... 12 pounds for late payment .. total 12.27

yeah I realise its a contract and its still trivial money but are they serious...

I just find the whole thing rather funny!

Mtndog Collaborator

Oh...don't get me started!!!!! They'll send you a bill for $0.05 if they want it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Evil (we need a little devil icon)

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Get Celiac.com Updates:
    Support Celiac.com:
    Donate

  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A17):
    Celiac.com Sponsor (A17):





    Celiac.com Sponsors (A17-M):




  • Recent Activity

    1. - Brown42186 replied to Brown42186's topic in Celiac Disease Pre-Diagnosis, Testing & Symptoms
      16

      Help Understanding Test Results

    2. - DebJ14 replied to StevieP.'s topic in Related Issues & Disorders
      4

      Fodzyme

    3. - Sanna King replied to Jordan Carlson's topic in Post Diagnosis, Recovery & Treatment of Celiac Disease
      16

      Getting sick much more often

    4. - DebJ14 replied to Jhona's topic in Meet Up Room
      14

      Does anyone here also have Afib


  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A19):



  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      129,175
    • Most Online (within 30 mins)
      7,748

    Jess9757
    Newest Member
    Jess9757
    Joined

  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A20):


  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      121.2k
    • Total Posts
      71.5k

  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A22):





  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A21):



  • Upcoming Events

  • Posts

    • Brown42186
      That was a typo. It was supposed to be one. I still don't have my biopsy results from my endoscopy, but the findings according to my paperwork were grade B esophagitis and localized continuous erythema and friability of the mucosa in the antrum which is compatible with gastritis. She took lots of biopsies of my stomach, esophagus, and small intestine. Hoping to find out results this week!
    • DebJ14
      I had an Elisa blood test for 90 Antigens run looking at IgG4 and there were 23 foods on the list that I reacted to.  Some reactions were mild, some moderate and some severe.  My yeast numbers were off the charts so they also did traditional allergy testing for IgE on both brewers and bakers yeast,  They came back super positive, so all yeast is out.  The other 21 foods were eliminated from my diet for about 2 years to give my overtaxed immune system time to calm down once on the gluten-free and Casein Free diet.  I added them back one at a time, one serving per day every other day and then had to keep track of pulse, BP, rashes, digestive issues etc.  Then I had to wait 2 weeks before trying another food.  I was able to put back everything except blueberries, oysters, cranberries, dairy, vanilla (I have to use the fake stuff) manufactured citric acid (because it is grown on aspergillus), clams, chocolate, black tea and cinnamon.  All cause a rise in my pulse within hours and BP is higher the next day.  Vanilla, chocolate, blueberries and cranberries also caused hives and dairy products gave me diarrhea within hours, every single time.   Once I accepted my fate, I felt so much better.  Lemon, orange, peach and strawberry became my dessert flavors and I really no longer miss the chocolate, vanilla and cinnamon.   Once I stopped cheating I was fine and 
    • Sanna King
      I’m doing OK except for an instance of cross contamination that knocked me for a loop over the weekend. Feeling much better today with still a little fatigue. Picking up tips on how to avoid future such incidents and becoming aware of just how sensitive I am. Looking forward to better days with more hope for improved health than prior to diagnosis. 
    • Sanna King
    • DebJ14
      My husband has had occasional A fib since 1986.  He spent years on Digoxin and Quinidine, with no reduction in the number of episodes.  Then, he was put on Verapamil as a pill in the pocket and did fine for about 5 years until it stopped working for him.  Then he went on Flecainide as a pill in the pocket.  His first 2 cardiologists had him on a "heart healthy diet" that was low in fat, practically no red meat, and high in pasta, Cheerios and Oatmeal and other carbs,  and he regularly went into A Fib.   His new, younger, cardiologist reviewed over 30 years of his medical records and said there was never any indication of heart disease.  All the cardio tests were perfectly normal,  He is Vietnamese and has a more holistic practice than most cardiologists.  My husband's BP has been rising as he ages, but he has had severe adverse reactions to every drug they tried, so instead he is on Vitamin C to bowel tolerance, Hawthorne, Hibiscus, Celery Seed, Grape Seed Extract and Resveratrol and his BP has come down 35 points, to a level acceptable to the doctor for his age.  He has an MTHFR mutation, which they believe causes the drug reactions due to his inability to detox.  The only  levels he seems concerned about are how high is the HDL and how low are the triglycerides, and how high is his Vitamin D level.  HDL was 77, Triglycerides were 62 and Vitamin D was 86.  He is only concerned with LDL is the particle types  and he has the good kind, the "fluffy" ones, and they are in a good range.  He only uses statins as a drug of last resort because of the side effects.  My husband was on one years ago and within 6 months developed a cataract, which the cardiologist and eye doctor at the time recognized as a side effect so they said no more. As a matter of routine he puts all his cardiology patients on a Sugar, gluten-free and Dairy free diet because it is his firm belief that inflammation is the root cause of all chronic disease and sugar, gluten and dairy are the foods he considers the worst offenders. They inflame the heart and the lining of the blood vessels leading to those blockages.   He also put him on Keto and severely restricted his carb intake.  Lo and behold, the A Fib disappeared.  My husband had to keep a food diary and  every episode of A Fib, which only occurred in the middle of the night, could be traced to his meals.  He was referred to a gastroenterologist.  His digestion is really poor.  So many foods cause him gas and that also puts him into A Fib.  The ran a test where they pumped his stomach full of air and on the table he went into A Fib.  They determined that his gut was pushing up on his diaphragm which in turn pushed on his heart triggering A Fib. So, no more Heart Healty beans!  His history told the tale too!  Abdominal radiation at age 21 for cancer damaged his gut and led to his dyspepsia, which led to A Fib. He now has a diagnosis of Roemheld Syndrome. If he sticks to his very low carb, no gas producing, gluten, dairy and sugar free diet he is fine.  He also was told to take a probiotic daily and digestive enzymes with his lunch and dinner.  He is on an annual visit basis with both gastro and cardiologist.  He has a Kardio Mobile and has to send results to the cardiologist, along with his food diary for any day he has A Fib.  Every single time we are able to pinpoint the cause.  Sometimes he just can't help himself and eats a banana, an orange, cookies and pretzels on the same day and then no one is surprised when he goes into A Fib.  His cardiologist prescribes Flecainide as a pill in the pocket to stop an attack, which always happens within 2-3 hours.  The gastro recommends brands and dosages of probiotics and digestive enzymes after running annual blood tests to test his digestive enzyme levels.   Having doctors get to the root cause, instead of just doling out prescriptions to mask symptoms has made all the difference in the world.  His cardio said no Covid jabs because of his tendency for A Fib and he also has a long history of blood clots related to his prior cancer treatment.  He also recommended that our adult son, with a history of pericarditis, skip them.  Thankfully  my doctor also said no because my other autoimmune diseases, Hashimoto's and Psoriasis, were finally both totally under control.
×
×
  • Create New...