The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[nikki-uk]

Okay, this one's only marginal, but it won me "Jester of the Month" in the Louisville Jester. My son submitted it without my knowledge:

Q: What do you call a person who protests outside a psychiatrist's office?

A: An Anti-depressant

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Nice one Lynne thankyou!!

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

[TriticusToxicum]

Here's a bit of mothers day humor you all might enjoy...

"Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around

and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to

hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were

4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is

Eli. Eli really loves chapstick, LOVES it. He kept asking to

use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I

showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and

how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed

to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush

around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying

and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in

the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same

time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and

everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to

honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car

and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I

finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there

was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's

. . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little

butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it

was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cats behind or

the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it

reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these

glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you

realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt."

[nikki-uk]

OMG....RICHARD!!!....You really are alive!!!!....with fabulous cat butt/chapstick tales!!!!!!

[DingoGirl]

Okay, this one's only marginal, but it won me "Jester of the Month" in the Louisville Jester. My son submitted it without my knowledge:

Q: What do you call a person who protests outside a psychiatrist's office?

A: An Anti-depressant

xoxoxoxoxoxo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

gaaaaaaaaaah!!

is it.....is it....no, could it really be......is it really......IS IT REALLY AND TRULY

A RICHARD SIGHTING????????????????????????

Have you come back or are you just teasing us??????????? and yes, indeed, with stories of cats with chapped butts......just like the good old days!!!

okay....no time now......heading out but here's a good one - - - wish we all were as quick-witted as Churchill and Mark Twain, and our insults could so elegantly roll off the tongue - - -

When Insults Had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend .. if you have one."

-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."

-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-- Mark Twain

CARRY ON, SILLIES!!!!!

[nikki-uk]

gaaaaaaaaaah!!

is it.....is it....no, could it really be......is it really......IS IT REALLY AND TRULY

A RICHARD SIGHTING????????????????????????

Twas fleeting,...but yes I SAW too!!!!!!

When Insults Had Class

...And aren't these THE BEST classy put downs?!?!

EXCELLENT!!!!!

[Mtndog]

RICHARD- DO NOT Tease us. We will find you and make you wear the Chapstick we rubbed on all our animals butts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that was awesome by the way!)

Funny Voicemail Messages

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is a voicemail? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe you don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if its reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone; you might have to deal with me in person.

Bob has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message; I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

[TriticusToxicum]

RICHARD- DO NOT Tease us. We will find you and make you wear the Chapstick we rubbed on all our animals butts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that was awesome by the way!)

Sorry, I don't mean to be a tease (see flirt quote above ).

I've changed jobs and the new job doesn't allow the same level of goof-off time

You'll see me here and there, but it pains me to say I'll be mostly absent and unfunny

Rest assured if I come across any particularly disturbing attempts at humor I will keep you all in mind

Did anybody else hear of Open Original Shared Link?

I'd like to go, but already have plans...

See you all later

[morganb]

I found this on myspace last night and thought I should share it...

horny dolphins:

Open Original Shared Link Advertisement/index.cfm?fuseacti...eoid=2024233002

[morganb]

I found this on myspace last night and thought I should share it...

horny dolphins:

Open Original Shared Link Advertisement/index.cfm?fuseacti...eoid=2024233002

[CarlaB]

I found this on myspace last night and thought I should share it...

horny dolphins:

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link. my space .com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2024233002

That should work, but you'll have to take out the spaces.

[nikki-uk]

Sorry, I don't mean to be a tease (see flirt quote above ).

I've changed jobs and the new job doesn't allow the same level of goof-off time

You'll see me here and there, but it pains me to say I'll be mostly absent and unfunny

Well as Susan would say ...HARUMPH!!!! ......how inconvenient that you have to actually do work all day

Carla, tried your link without spaces but it didn't work

[TriticusToxicum]

Well as Susan would say ...HARUMPH!!!! ......how inconvenient that you have to actually do work all day

Carla, tried your link without spaces but it didn't work

Not quite ALL Day, but HARUMPF INDEED!

[CarlaB]

Carla, tried your link without spaces but it didn't work

I just did it ... cut and past the whole website, then remove three spaces. Sorry I can't just make it a link, but my space turns into lameadvertisement.

[morganb]

I don't know what the problem with this is... sorry, just tried to add some more humor into everyone's lives... I wish it would work

[morganb]

if everything else fails then you can always go to www. my space .com

click on the "videos" tab

type in "horny dolphins" in the "search videos" space on the top right

and this video is the first one to pop up

[Mtndog]

Morgan- Welcome to THE GIGGLE FEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is Open Original Shared Link of which you speak????????????

[CarlaB]

Is Open Original Shared Link of which you speak????????????

That's a different one.

[TriticusToxicum]

BECAUSE I AM A MAN...

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless

at rugby, and your beer is getting wet, then, for the drinking period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may askthe score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for

the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...

and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside

or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an

almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird

and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25.I t is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

BECAUSE I AM A MAN...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA is not an

option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind asa form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items

like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire

show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either S*x, cars or sport. I have to make up

something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her

any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you

are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006 , I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,

the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men

[Mtndog]

Richard - THAT IS HYSTERICAL! My uncle will love it!

[nikki-uk]

Excellent Richard!!!!

I know all of your points to be true

[Mtndog]

Excellent Richard!!!!

I know all of your points to be true

I sent them to my 75 year old uncle (he knows better jokes than me!) and he replied "Oh great- now you've exposed me to the world. Shape up!"

This is so dumb but funny:Open Original Shared Link. New name for my doggie!

[Mtndog]

OK- now this IS funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

This is so dumb but funny:Open Original Shared Link. New name for my doggie!

Ha,ha - took me a full 5 seconds to ''geddit''

[Mtndog]

OK- here he is

[Mtndog]

OK Sillies, here's some more funnies for you. Only we can find humor in classical music

: