The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[TriticusToxicum]

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan!

[Mtndog]

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan!

Nice!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the REAl story of the three bears:

Three Bears

This should end all "3 Bears Stories!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he

looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!"

he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his

big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he

roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and

yells,

"How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma

Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it

was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the

dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the

newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who

put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water

and food dish.

And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and

grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause

I'm only going to say this one more time:

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN

PORRIDGE YET !!"

[DingoGirl]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

excellent

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan!

....and good work from you too, Bev. and OMG how CUTE is that impish niece????? she has just got a wicked little glimmer in her eyes, does she not???? BEEEE-YOO-tiful child!

and here, friends, is what I have for you today: (I am particularly amused by numbers 1 & 6)

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[DingoGirl]

edit -

Bev - -

oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just read your bear joke. now THAT is a good 'un there, you silly goose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mtndog]

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

BA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!! OMG too funny!!!!!!!!!!

I posted this on DS but you guys have to see it!

Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

and here, friends, is what I have for you today: (I am particularly amused by numbers 1 & 6)

*snigger*

Open Original Shared Link

Now that's REALLY impressive!!

Ladies - you KNOW these are true:

13 things PMS stand for

------------------------------

1)Pass My Shotgun

2)Psychotic Mood Shift

3)Perpetual Munching Spree

4)Puffy Mid-Section

5)People Make me Sick

6)Provide Me with Sweets

7)Pardon My Sobbing

8)Pimples May Surface

9)Pass My Sweatpants

10)Pissy Mood Syndrome

11)Plainly; Men Suck

12)Pack My Stuff

13)Potential Murder Suspect

[Mtndog]

Most excellent Nikki!

I love what Snafu stands for (Situation Normal All F'd up!!!!!!!).

My hubby found this great website of unlimited limerics. Check this outOpen Original Shared Link

Here's a sample:

Using Botox will help you erase

All the wrinkles you have on your face.

Ah, but when you attend

To a wrinkled rear end

Then your Botox with Buttox replace.

[AndreaB]

Don't know if you all have seen this yet. It's been around before. Seems most of you are partial to dogs but this is about cats, which I'm partial to.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Hold cat firmly in left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden

ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down

drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with

elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Mtndog]

OMG- if you knew our female cat Frisca you would die. If we have to 'amke" her do anything, we have to ambush her with a big towel....otherwise she will shred you!!!!!!!!!!

[AndreaB]

OMG- if you knew our female cat Frisca you would die. If we have to 'amke" her do anything, we have to ambush her with a big towel....otherwise she will shred you!!!!!!!!!!

My hubby has got his arm raked quite a few times in the past. I copied over your picture of the two kids so I have a picture of her highness with Angus.

We don't have any kitties anymore.....which is why I've cyber adopted them.

[nikki-uk]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

...I LOVE these Andrea!!!!

SO very true!!!!!

OMG- if you knew our female cat Frisca you would die. If we have to 'amke" her do anything, we have to ambush her with a big towel....otherwise she will shred you!!!!!!!!!!

Yes indeed, hubby and I (it's a 2 man job) have been 'shredded' a number of times by 'Lucy' (NOT to be messed with....EVER!!!! )

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[DingoGirl]

Andrea - - Yup, you have to wrap them entirely in a towel. Cats were my whole life....always, I was as obsessed with my cats as I now am w/ my dogs.....we always had cats and dogs at the same time in my childhood......but dogs took over my life about, well, nearly 13 years ago. I have had Stinker for one/fourth of my life. She will probably outlive me.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[AndreaB]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

From: Mitch......what about the piglet that lost his voice?

Would that be deoinked?

[nikki-uk]

From: Mitch......what about the piglet that lost his voice?

Would that be deoinked?

Nice one Mitch

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.

"So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks.

"I'm a snail." The man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

"That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

[nikki-uk]

PINCH, PUNCH, FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH!!!

[jerseyangel]

And a very happy first day of July to you, Nikki

This summer just seems to be flying by.....it's so beautiful here today. Sunny, mild and low humidity I could just take a big bite out of it

[nikki-uk]

And a very happy first day of July to you, Nikki

This summer just seems to be flying by.....it's so beautiful here today. Sunny, mild and low humidity I could just take a big bite out of it

*groan* - what are you doing to me Patti!!!!

UH - The weather is ATROCIOUS!!!! - constant rain, cold windy nasty weather.

We're still waiting for 'summer' (HARUMPH!!)

I think I've got SADS (seasonal affective disorder) ....I needs me some SUN!!!!!!..and QUICK!!!!

[tom]

/?

[nikki-uk]

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that,

while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

[jerseyangel]

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that,

while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

Good one, Nikki!

[nikki-uk]

Tee - hee

BODY MEETING:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a****le is usually in charge !!

[CarlaB]

Nikki --

[Mtndog]

Ain't that the truth- :lol: :lol:

Speaking of.....

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured

them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars

and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy

the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small

fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,

that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and WON!

(Stay with me now.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the

claim was friv olous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a

policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were

insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,

without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was

obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company

accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the

cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested

on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being

used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his

insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine .

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers

Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA !

NO WO NDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!

[Mtndog]

Some funny grafitti:

It's the claw

Speeding: What's Your Excuse?

Post no Bills

Bacon Vender

[CarlaB]

Both posts, very funny!! I wonder if the lawyer one is true?

Edit: apparently it's not, but it still makes a funny joke! Open Original Shared Link