The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[DingoGirl]

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#*t?"

well my, the sillies have been busy and

HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must apologize, I have been MIA, and will still BE MIA for a while......you won't believe, I started working for my dear friend's husbnad, the forensic psychologist, who does parole evaluations...and I am the new transcriber for said reports. Er, mighty interesting reading and guess what, these are all done at Corcoran prison, where Charles Manson himself resides. Oh I do SO hope to transcribe report on Manson one day, 'twould be a highlight of my paltry little life. (however Brad says Manson won't talk to the counselors or psychologists so we just go from past reports.)

NIKKI so glad to see you back! and Emily too! and there's blue eyed Amanda, who piped in! hallooooo!!!

okay - - here's all I got for ya today (a silly male-bashing email from a friend) :

[size=4]One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

[nikki-uk]

Love the men jokes

....and typing up parole reports!!!! (of psychopaths??) FOR your friend the forensic psychologist !!!!!!

GAD!!! You know some interesting people.....bet he could tell some tales

More funnies - of course *I* wouldn't know as I never overdo the vino (insert little devil emoticon)

Things to say when drunk

************************

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:

Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

British Constitution

Loquacious

Transubstantiate

Passive-aggressive disorder

Specificity

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table.

[elye]

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table.

I've got one more:

Things that are downright impossible for Young, Urban Professional Londoners to say when drunk:

No way. I will NOT use that portable, open public drain to urinate in. Everyone will see me...tourists walking by with young children and cameras! How could anyone even consider its use?

[nikki-uk]

I've got one more:

Things that are downright impossible for Young, Urban Professional Londoners to say when drunk:

No way. I will NOT use that portable, open public drain to urinate in. Everyone will see me...tourists walking by with young children and cameras! How could anyone even consider its use?

Well yes.....absolutely !!!....how UNCOOTH...TSK!!..a nation of drunks

(BTW - I tried to google 'said' portable loos...but it would seem Westminster council are keeping that little invention close to their chests )

[elye]

Ah! Those Westminsterners (Westies?) just really know how to party...!

[nikki-uk]

Westminsterners (Westies?)

..Westies sounds cute though - like them wee Scottish dogs with stumpy tails..... ...where is this conversation going???

[tom]

Dragging myself out of Post Holiday Funk (PHF) ....got nothing to offer....still warming up......getting back in the swing of things..

I think I'm in PHF too....wishing I was anywhere but here.

LOL I'm trying to think of what Holiday, then wondering "since when does Labor Day rate so highly?", (& that Labor Day must be USA only) then realizing that in Nikki's wacquie "English" english, 'holiday' means vacation!!

So, it's PVF to me, and there's definitely been some upon returning to this infernal inferno (108 today) after 11 days in the glorius Bay Area.

I must apologize, I have been MIA, and will still BE MIA for a while......

Awww Dingy . . . . .severe conversus interruptus . . . going MIA right when certain entertainment was imminent, re: limpid pools & various ogling!!!

Is there a demerit system in place on this thread?

.....you won't believe, I started working for my dear friend's husbnad, the forensic psychologist, who does parole evaluations...and I am the new transcriber for said reports.

Whoa! That's great! There must be at least a little something interesting in each, w/ some potentially riveting?

Is that ongoing/long-term or more of a "catching-up" temporary thing?

Oh!! OH!! can you occasionally slip in a "It is my learned professional opinion that he may never have committed these heinous crimes had he been on a gluten-free diet, as the links between gluten consumption and mental illness w.r.t. the condition previously summated as 'criminally insane' have been correlated unequivocally."

(aka "it's not the breeding, it's the breading"!) (Nature vs. Nurture vs. Waffles?)

'twould be a highlight of my paltry little life.

Ahhh I always enjoy a good 'twould!

(Tho the doubly contractive 'tweren't rates a smidgen higher) My Grandpa Fred actually talked this way!

[size=4]One for the ladies

oops was I not supposed to laugh??

LOL Nikki !! "You're right; I can't jump over that table."

[Mtndog]

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table.

Things that are impossible for me to say when drunk on cosmos:

Oh no, I couldn't possibly drink another (gulp!)

Oh I'm sure no one wants to hear me sing the Canadian national anthem.

You're right honey, we SHOULD go home now.

No, I couldn't possibly jump on that trampoline safely.

Oh boy...miss my pre-antibiotic, non-lymie days, but they shall return.....oh they shall!!!!!!!!!

Here's something I find incredibly funny:

SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME

(to be filled out by Lyme patients only)

Written by the talented Judy Williams

1. Sudden onset of multiple personality disorder

2. Hell-bent to tell the "truth" especially on any given "politically incorrect" subject.

3. Frightening, complete reordering of priorities (These new priorities run close to those

of Mother Therese.)

4. Talking like you are Mother Therese.

5. A sleeping pattern resembling the long rest of hibernating bears or the worse

condition of inability to sleep even upon administration of enough meds to kill a pair of rhinos.

6. Sudden realization you made a major mistake in the choosing your husband.

7. A diagnosis from at least 3 (I set a minimal record of 2), often more (up to 15) MDs

that reads "psychosomatic disorder".

8. An extreme propensity (albeit usually accurate) to find lyme in others

9. An ability to lose approximately 100 things a day, followed by an inability to find them,

although 80% of them are exactly where they're supposed to be.

10. Verbal dyslexia, i.e. saying the word "cow" when the word called for was "pencil"

(not a close match).

11. Seeing double (i.e. seeing 2 of your husband(s) even though you don't even want to

see one of him).

12. Getting lost in your car though you are only 2 houses away from your home and your

Irish Setter is pointing his tail at your house.

13. Forgetting if you just took 1 Zithromax or 12.

14. Losing most or all of approximately 30 pages of paper with pertinent info., i.e. Lyme

Support members' phone nos., Burrascano's protocol, directions for how to put out a fire

(you recently lost the fire extinguisher itself).

15. Mood swings greater than jungle animals.

16. Times when you should keep your mouth shut because of complete cognitive

dysfunction, but you don't.

17. ESP followed by periods of "clueless".

18. Deciding to commit suicide, during a period of severe mental agitation, by smoking

yourself to death, then being too lethargic to go out and buy any cigarettes.

19. Inability to spell "the" - it just doesn't look right.

20. Rages in which you throw and break all your phones which makes it impossible to

call for help.

21. Confusion caused by having all of 2 things on your "to do" list for the day.

[DingoGirl]

....and typing up parole reports!!!! (of psychopaths??) FOR your friend the forensic psychologist !!!!!!

GAD!!! You know some interesting people.....bet he could tell some tales

More funnies - of course *I* wouldn't know as I never overdo the vino (insert little devil

excellent

yes, the prison psychologist DOES have some interesting tales Mostly I get them on dictated report form now. Not so boring, I tell ya.

I've got one more:

Things that are downright impossible for Young, Urban Professional Londoners to say when drunk:

No way. I will NOT use that portable, open public drain to urinate in. Everyone will see me...tourists walking by with young children and cameras! How could anyone even consider its use?

Things that are impossible for me to say when drunk on cosmos:

Oh no, I couldn't possibly drink another (gulp!)

Oh I'm sure no one wants to hear me sing the Canadian national anthem.

You're right honey, we SHOULD go home now.

No, I couldn't possibly jump on that trampoline safely.

Oh boy...miss my pre-antibiotic, non-lymie days, but they shall return.....oh they shall!!!!!!!!!

Here's something I find incredibly funny:

:lol:

Oh Bev, most excellent, your list! I shall come up with my own, later.

and LOVE the lymie list.

OMG more typing. As to tom's question, this job is going to go on for quite a while, with much more work in the beginning, until we get caught up.

And EVERY day, I tell Brad that this one or that one MUST be on federally funded gluten-free organic paleo diet. And Brad will sometimes dictate "rule out gluten brain" in the diagnosis code portion

back to typing. harrumph!

[tom]

yes, the prison psychologist DOES have some interesting tales Mostly I get them on dictated report form now. Not so boring, I tell ya.

Hehehe what a job . . .. .and you work at home?? How do I get one like that?

And EVERY day, I tell Brad that this one or that one MUST be on federally funded gluten-free organic paleo diet. And Brad will sometimes dictate "rule out gluten brain" in the diagnosis code portion

Gah! You've got this soy-deprived brain spinning . .. . .upon 3rd read I decided you aren't joking. When I brought it up I most certainly *was* just joking!

Ok then - Brad is the forensic psychologist and he's a BELIEVER??!!

And "rule out gluten brain" in the report sets the slow, grinding, gears of Corrections in motion to make some convict gluten-free???

[DingoGirl]

Hehehe what a job . . .. .and you work at home?? How do I get one like that?

Gah! You've got this soy-deprived brain spinning . .. . .upon 3rd read I decided you aren't joking. When I brought it up I most certainly *was* just joking!

Ok then - Brad is the forensic psychologist and he's a BELIEVER??!!

And "rule out gluten brain" in the report sets the slow, grinding, gears of Corrections in motion to make some convict gluten-free???

Um, okay, methinks you NEED some soy in your diet - just a little -

settle down....NO, Brad is not a believer, at least not yet....these exchanges are only jokes, at this point - and there will, sadly, NEVER be any chance of dietary mention or consideration for any of these prisoners....at least, not until I get my billion-dollar gluten-free trial prison inmate plan funded..... (and only HALF joking on that one!)

okay, no time for funnies, mommy is getting a pacemaker in today, and one of my best friend's mom's is in intensive care, near death, in same hospital .....dingy must run!

[nikki-uk]

LOL I'm trying to think of what Holiday, then wondering "since when does Labor Day rate so highly?", (& that Labor Day must be USA only) then realizing that in Nikki's wacquie "English" english, 'holiday' means vacation!!

Yep, I meant vacation

'My bad'.........(.been dying to say that )

Oh boy...miss my pre-antibiotic, non-lymie days, but they shall return.....oh they shall!!!!!!!!!

Indeed they shall and you shall jump and fly on that trampoline (looking oh so hot )

SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME

You don't get all twenty do you???

Good vibes for Susan's Mummy (& friend)

[tom]

Um, okay, methinks you NEED some soy in your diet - just a little -

settle down....NO, Brad is not a believer, at least not yet....these exchanges are only jokes, at this point - and there will, sadly, NEVER be any chance of dietary mention or consideration for any of these prisoners....at least, not until I get my billion-dollar gluten-free trial prison inmate plan funded..... (and only HALF joking on that one!)

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! Suuuu-Z!! How gullible AM I to believe something like THAT on the freaking SILLY thread!!?? I think that "diagnosis code" official-sounding jargon tipped the scales. And I just wanted to believe that someone in a position to DO something was a believer. The old me was far too cynical to be gullible.

ROFL WOW!! Is it ever a good thing that I can laugh at myself now! I've been chuckling about this for a couple hrs already.

(Oh and I can't even count the # of times ppl have told me to "settle down" or "calm down" in the last few months. Even some kids I know. Totally cracks me up as nobody would've EVER thought to say that to me since the 90s at least!! )

okay, no time for funnies, mommy is getting a pacemaker in today, and one of my best friend's mom's is in intensive care, near death, in same hospital .....dingy must run!

<serious face now>

Susan - I suppose you won't read this until after it's done & the pacemaker is in (not everyone has the internet in their pocket ), but it's not a bad time to remind ourselves that, in spite of all the ridiculously horrific experiences many of us have had w/ MDs w/ regard to celiac & its complications, Western Medicine does do some things very well. Pacemakers are one of those things.

I know you can't NOT worry, but I hope you kept it in check and didn't let that dingobrain run amok. (Is there an analogy to an actual dingo and a sprightly squirrel in there?)

Yep, I meant vacation

'My bad'.........(.been dying to say that )

wow you had to wait a long time for the opportunity!!

I probably say it in RL every week!

Good vibes for Susan's Mummy (& friend)

I second that.

[elye]

...And I third it, Susan! Thinking of you and your mom, and her new hardware . Now, I digress...

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH...gotta tell you guys, just a whisper of that new expression (can barely type it, myself)...."my bad".....is enough to send me clear 'round the bend. It is like proverbial nails down the chalkboard. HOW I HATE IT!! I can't stop shuddering...It's just...so...so....grammatically dumbed-down...what have we COME to?!

Okay.....off my soapbox, now....

[Jestgar]

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH...gotta tell you guys, just a whisper of that new expression (can barely type it, myself)...."my bad".....is enough to send me clear 'round the bend. It is like proverbial nails down the chalkboard. HOW I HATE IT!! I can't stop shuddering...It's just...so...so....grammatically dumbed-down...what have we COME to?!

What she said

[tom]

Oh ladies!!

I'm actually quite a stickler on SO much of the poor grammar and idiotic attempts at punctuation we see every day, but "my bad" needn't be vilified whatsoever!!

Such an economy of words, syllables and yes even letters! And its very versatility should be celebrated!

Nikki's original comments a couple months ago were spot on, comparing how many words and sentences would be used by a Brit when a simple "my bad" would suffice!!

When used properly, there's an implicit understanding of the reasons behind the blame, and it's simply a waste of everyone's time to detail them. 'Own up and move on' is what it's about and to me, it displays a healthy frame of mind.

[elye]

Oh ladies!!

I'm actually quite a stickler on SO much of the poor grammar and idiotic attempts at punctuation we see every day, but "my bad" needn't be vilified whatsoever!!

Such an economy of words, syllables and yes even letters! And its very versatility should be celebrated!

Nikki's original comments a couple months ago were spot on, comparing how many words and sentences would be used by a Brit when a simple "my bad" would suffice!!

When used properly, there's an implicit understanding of the reasons behind the blame, and it's simply a waste of everyone's time to detail them. 'Own up and move on' is what it's about and to me, it displays a healthy frame of mind.

......Uh huh.....

Don't quite get what's wrong with the brilliant, concise, grammatically sound "my fault". Own up and move on, absolutely, and please do it while following the most basic of our fundamental grammar rules: NO ADJECTIVES WHERE A NOUN SHOULD BE!!

...my apologies....I've just had too many diplomats dangling their participles during my advanced grammar lessons. So much correcting! Gad... There, it's outta my system. Carry on!

[Mtndog]

Susie- Please let us know how everything is.... BIG HUG. :wub: :wub:

Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful so romantic". Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and COOK!"

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the

[CarlaB]

Wow, you have been busy!! I didn't catch up ...

...And I third it, Susan! Thinking of you and your mom, and her new hardware . Now, I digress...

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH...gotta tell you guys, just a whisper of that new expression (can barely type it, myself)...."my bad".....is enough to send me clear 'round the bend. It is like proverbial nails down the chalkboard. HOW I HATE IT!! I can't stop shuddering...It's just...so...so....grammatically dumbed-down...what have we COME to?!

Okay.....off my soapbox, now....

What she said

Yup, I hate it, too. Almost as much as when someone says, "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" ... I mean, am I supposed to feel special after "no problem"? If you did me a favor, at least take credit and let me think you were happy to do it for me.

[CarlaB]

Susie, keep us posted ...

Bev, did you write that Lyme list? It's pretty accurate, LOL.

[Mtndog]

.I've just had too many diplomats dangling their participles during my advanced grammar lessons.

Uhm.....do I even NEED to point out what that sounds like??????? :lol: :lol:

[nikki-uk]

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH...gotta tell you guys, just a whisper of that new expression (can barely type it, myself)...."my bad".....is enough to send me clear 'round the bend. It is like proverbial nails down the chalkboard. HOW I HATE IT!! I can't stop shuddering...It's just...so...so....grammatically dumbed-down...what have we COME to?!

Okay.....off my soapbox, now....

I KNOW!!! , I know ...but I get some sort of perverse pleasure using it (It's like I'm being naughty and swearing)

MY BAD =(In my neck of the woods)'' Terribly sorry it was my mistake''

.I've just had too many diplomats dangling their participles during my advanced grammar lessons.

Oooo Errrr ......and just what does it sound like???

Wow, you have been busy!! I didn't catch up ...

Yup, I hate it, too. Almost as much as when someone says, "no problem" instead of "you're welcome" ... I mean, am I supposed to feel special after "no problem"? If you did me a favor, at least take credit and let me think you were happy to do it for me.

What about 'No Worries' (although that's more what an Australian would say)

BEV !!! NO MORE 4 LETTER CHORES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tom]

......Uh huh.....

Don't quite get what's wrong with the brilliant, concise, grammatically sound "my fault".

Hmmmm yeah . .. . . . I guess ya got me there. Trying to think of a situation where "my bad" has an advantage over "my fault", and either I haven't coffeed up enough yet or there just isn't one.

[Grrrrrrr that damned Verizon comm'l (advert to u Nikki ) is on again. It is SO weird hearing them say my full name on tv!! And the nerve of having THAT Tom Murphy as some double-chinned doofus!!]

P.S. Susie??? See you here but no update for us? Mom is OK??

[elye]

Oooo Errrr ......and just what does it sound like???

Participle-dangling diplomats sound quite awful...but I was hoping you'd be wondering more about what these guys look like when dangling....It's quite something.

I really like the expression "no worries". Quite lovely, and grammatically correct. Actually, here in my neck of the Canadian woods, this phrase has really caught on with the young teen set...my daughter and her friends often throw it out. A long geographical way for it to have travelled, Down Under to Way Up Here!

[CarlaB]

And the nerve of having THAT Tom Murphy as some double-chinned doofus!!]

Where did they get that pre-celiac picture of you anyway?