How Can I Help My Husband Understand?

[hannahsue01]

I have had symptoms since early childhood that have only gotten worse. I have a list for the doctor of about 75 symptoms or so. As many of you I am sure can relate I feel like **** everyday. I feel like I have a bout of the flu that has lasted about 11 years that won't go away......I feel like I am going to throw up everyday....I don't even remember what it is like not to have a headache, muscle aches, or joint pain. I am finaly getting tested Thursday.....my husband yelled at me for hoping the tests come back postive.....maybe I am nuts but this seems to be the answear to everything that is wrong and I hoped this would help allot of it go away. Then on top of all of my problems my husband yells at me again tonight that I am making this out to be more than it is. He says I complain to much......but trust me he doesn't even her the half of it. It started tonight because once again I wasn't in the "mood". Now he seems upset that if myself and our duaghter come back positive that I plan on making our house gluten free.....I reminded him that he could have whatever he wished at work wich for him is everything but dinner. My grandmother (a celiac) says we need to be compleatly gluten free even replacing toasters and pans. I am depressed and he isn't helping. I can't seem to get through to him the gravity of the situation. If our daughter tests positive I don't want to risk her getting contaminated. I am even scared to send her to her grandparents as they don't seem to be taking it serious either. If anyone has any advice on how to help my husband and other family members to GET IT it would be greatly apprciated.

[linds]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in my early 20's and have had slight symptoms for years but the last year has been basically unbearable. I feel like I can't go anywhere because I feel so bad. I have also developed anxiety because I am terrified of being somewhere and feeling even worse than usual. This in turn has led to depression because I just want my "normal" life back. I live with my boyfriend and he is having a hard time with the fact that I just switched everything over to be gluten free. I told him he can eat out if he wants something else. We also argue almost daily because I am never in the "mood". I am very greatful that someone else feels that way too. Hopefully your husband will begin to understand that if you eat a gluten free diet you will feel better and in turn a lot of things will be different.

[Kody]

First of all, your husband sounds like an ass.

Also, I can relate to how you feel... trust me, I know. It sucks.

Lastly, I've never been married or anything, so I'm probably the last one to give you advice. BUT -- If I were you I'd just let them see for themselves. Don't try and make them believe or see how serious it is. When you get healthier and act different then they'll realize. That's what I'm doing, waiting a few weeks for when I feel a lot better and then I'll just let people see for themselves that it helps. Just do your thing.

Although it is pathetic that your hubby isn't supporting you in this. And this is none of my business, but I wouldn't let him yell at me either.

[hannahsue01]

First of all, your husband sounds like an ass.

Also, I can relate to how you feel... trust me, I know. It sucks.

Lastly, I've never been married or anything, so I'm probably the last one to give you advice. BUT -- If I were you I'd just let them see for themselves. Don't try and make them believe or see how serious it is. When you get healthier and act different then they'll realize. That's what I'm doing, waiting a few weeks for when I feel a lot better and then I'll just let people see for themselves that it helps. Just do your thing.

Although it is pathetic that your hubby isn't supporting you in this. And this is none of my business, but I wouldn't let him yell at me either.

I agree.....he shouldn't yell at me.....I always end up crying and to depressed to deal with him. I hope he relizes what this is all about after I am on the diet for awhile.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in my early 20's and have had slight symptoms for years but the last year has been basically unbearable. I feel like I can't go anywhere because I feel so bad. I have also developed anxiety because I am terrified of being somewhere and feeling even worse than usual. This in turn has led to depression because I just want my "normal" life back. I live with my boyfriend and he is having a hard time with the fact that I just switched everything over to be gluten free. I told him he can eat out if he wants something else. We also argue almost daily because I am never in the "mood". I am very greatful that someone else feels that way too. Hopefully your husband will begin to understand that if you eat a gluten free diet you will feel better and in turn a lot of things will be different.

I am glad as well that I am not the only one feeling this way.....I myself just turned 24 and feel like I'm 80. I am so sick of all of this and just home myself and my husband improve with time. Are you gluten free now......if so do you feel any better and how long did it take to see an improvement?

[Kody]

I agree.....he shouldn't yell at me.....I always end up crying and to depressed to deal with him. I hope he relizes what this is all about after I am on the diet for awhile.

Uh.... you shouldn't put up with his crap.

And I think he would... if you're more energetic, outgoing, etc, those are the kinds of things he'll notice. Like me, the black lines under my eyes are already starting to fade away... and it's only been like three days. It should be pretty obvious that you're getting better.

[linds]

I agree.....he shouldn't yell at me.....I always end up crying and to depressed to deal with him. I hope he relizes what this is all about after I am on the diet for awhile.

I am glad as well that I am not the only one feeling this way.....I myself just turned 24 and feel like I'm 80. I am so sick of all of this and just home myself and my husband improve with time. Are you gluten free now......if so do you feel any better and how long did it take to see an improvement?

I just went gluten free today. So I am hoping I can finally start feeling better. It has been so bad lately that I actually am taking the semester off from college even though I would of been graduating in December. I also understand the whole significant other not understanding. As I said I live with my boyfriend and for the last month or so he has been spending almost every night in the guest bedroom because I feel so bad that I don't want anyone arround. This makes him SOOO upset. but we are both hoping things will get better soon. I am just 21 and also feel like i am 80 I feel like I spend most of my day curled up on either the couch or in bed in pain.

[tarnalberry]

hannahsue, I would *highly* encourage you and your husband to get counseling. this isn't about you not feeling well, or whining; this is about him not having control. it screams it. you two need to learn how to communicate and work together.

[daffadilly]

Hannahsue - it seems to me that your husband has serious problems, he is never going to "get anything" you need to refocus your attention to yourself and away from him, actually I think you should get well, get out, & get a better life. Call your local woman's support group, you are being abused, yelling is abuse

[Nantzie]

I totally agree with Cody.

Your husband sounds exactly like mine did a year ago. (Like an @ss, for the record...) Last October he yelled at me for over an hour telling me I was a hypochondriac, selfish, using my symptoms to get attention, etc., etc., etc., ETC., etc., etc., etc., etc... I just planted my feet and did what I needed to do. By Valentine's Day, he brought me a bag full of mixes and stuff that he got from the gluten-free section of the grocery store near his work because he couldn't remember what chocolates were gluten-free, and he didn't want me to get sick.

This past weekend I got glutened really bad, and it took me all the way back to how I felt right before I found out about celiac. I think it really flustered him because it's like a ton of bricks drops on me. He can see the change right in front of him and can see what a dramatic difference there is. I think that those are the times when he truly understands how sick I really was.

I think part of this issue with husbands and boyfriends of people who have or may have a gluten issue, which is something that we hear about on this board almost constantly, is that men in particular have a hard time with things that they can't fix. Picture a man trying to fix a car. If it's not going well, and what he's trying isn't working, he yells at it and pitches a fit. Your husband may be feeling helpless and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Also, when someone hasn't had chronic illness, they have no concept of what it's like to be sick for years. Most people's concept of illness is the flu, or at worst pneumonia or food poisoning, where there is an end to it. They have no concept of how it can be that you don't get better, but just progressively worse. Since it didn't happen to them, it must not be happening to you. Then they decide it's their job to make you "snap out of it".

For me, the biggest thing that helped (other than me just planting my feet and not give a rat's booty what he thought of me) was just being persistent, for my own happiness, in finding really good-tasting substitutes for gluten-containing things like bread, pasta, crackers, cookies, etc. As he saw me eating normal (although gluten-free)things, he got less freaked out about it.

Now, a year after his hissy fit, he has perfected his goulash recipe, which used to use Campbell's Cream of Mushroom. He now uses Bob's Red Mill gluten-free All-Purpose Flour mix to thicken the sauce, and gluten-free pasta to replace the egg noodles. He calls me from the store, or has me check ingredients when he gets home to verify if they are gluten-free. He eats the sandwiches he eats at home on gluten-free bread. He remembers not to kiss me if he's eaten gluten.

He's made a complete turn-around from a year ago. Never thought it would happen back then. Back then, I thought I was on the road to divorce. If he hadn't turned it around, I would have been. Honestly, I've long since gotten over it. But I like to let people know that it's possible to go from what you just experienced to a spouse that supports you completely.

There are others on the board who had the same experience and the opposite outcome, so it can go either way unfortunately.

I just want you to know that there IS hope. It can get better. But by far, the most important thing is that you do what you need to do for you and for your kids, and let the chips fall where they may.

Nancy

[tracey*]

I myself just turned 24 and feel like I'm 80.

This is exactly how I feel, except I'm 25 and feel like i'm 98 !!

About your husband, I agree with the others in saying that if he can't support you in HEALTH issues, then something's missing in your relationship. This is your health, your LIFE - not a shopping habit or something materialistic you want to try.

My husband hasn't converted over to gluten-free food, but is willing to try what I cook, will put food I can eat on the shopping list, helps with preventing cross contamination and often brings me home gluten-free cake and snacks because he knows it makes me happy and I can eat it. He still eats whatever he wants and I don't expect him to go gluten-free, which is fine, but he meets me halfway at least because he knows how miserable I can be / used to be and he knows how important this is to me. It's taken me a few months to get the birth control pills out of my system aswell as going gluten free, but I am finally feeling like a new person and it's amazing!

If your partner cannot at least compromise and realise serious health issues, then how are you going to be in 5 years time? 10 years time?

Continue with your diet, even if you don't even mention it to him or include him in it, (maybe if he doesn't feel like it's a big deal then it won't cause conflict?). Prove to him it can be a major major positive in your life.

Search Google for 'toaster bags' - you won't have to replace the toaster.

Do it for yourself and if he can't support that - then (sorry to say this to a stranger!) screw him.

[MistressIsis]

You are not alone. Those that don't have the lovely pain that comes with intolerance etc just don;t getit. I think partly because outwardly you look "fine" I was ill for a good 6 yrs of a 10 yr relationship. The symptoms got progressively worse. I had 1 Doc put me into menapause for 2 yrs!! I'm 35 now & have been gluten-free for 2 yrs this month. AS soon as I stopped ingesting gluten I started feeling better. Maybe 3 days...Oatmeal is a trigger for me so after I cut that I was back to myself again.

Unfortunately, the damage done to the relationship was already done.

I wasn't "in the mood" for a good 2 years, I couldn't even handle a hug. I tried to explain it to him as, Imagine a serrated knife sticking & rotating in you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

As for the family...sometimes they get it sometimes they don't. I notice the older generation thinks it's a shouldn't instead of a I can't.

I do have to recommend Namaste products, expensive but lucious cakes & brownies. I had my 1st birthday cake this past July thanks to my mother finally listening to my forbidden & allowed food list and although the family made fun of me & the cake, they ate almost the whole thing!!

Not only do I carry a list with me, but when I find a restaurant that offers gluten-free options, I always ask if I can have a copy to keep with me for my next visit.!! Oh & I went to Mexico with a suitcase of gluten-free food & snacks, traveled several times with such & not once have I been questioned.

[Kody]

This is exactly how I feel, except I'm 25 and feel like i'm 98 !!

About your husband, I agree with the others in saying that if he can't support you in HEALTH issues, then something's missing in your relationship. This is your health, your LIFE - not a shopping habit or something materialistic you want to try.

Search Google for 'toaster bags' - you won't have to replace the toaster.

I'm 18 and I feel like I'm dead. am I the only one that makes stupid mistakes or says wrong things because I can't think straight? brain fog and headaches??

As for the bold, true 'dat, true 'dat...

And the toaster bags... WHOA!! That totally owns. I'm so ordering me some. Good thing you mentioned them!

As for the family...sometimes they get it sometimes they don't. I notice the older generation thinks it's a shouldn't instead of a I can't.

I had a huge issue with that my whole life. My family. It's one thing for no one to believe you're not really sick... fine, whatever, I can live with that -- but my own FAMILY??! Well, most of it. Mainly my Dad and stuff. My best friends, Mom, step Dad, my Grandma (hahah.. I love grandma) and best friends are the only ones who knew what I was truely going through. In fact, I even had my sister once tell me to stop complaining and exaggerating how I felt. This was the same day that I got my first seizure (I've only had like 3 in my life, usually triggered after a hard work out...)

Anyways, no one gets it until they've been through it. They can't relate. They don't know what its like. To them, "Oh, well, It can't be THAT bad." It's like the person who made the flu comparison. So true.

I totally agree with Cody.

Also, when someone hasn't had chronic illness, they have no concept of what it's like to be sick for years. Most people's concept of illness is the flu, or at worst pneumonia or food poisoning, where there is an end to it. They have no concept of how it can be that you don't get better, but just progressively worse. Since it didn't happen to them, it must not be happening to you. Then they decide it's their job to make you "snap out of it".

This is the person I was talking about. Thanks for agreeing, btw

[hannahsue01]

Thank you all for the advice and support. It is nice to know that I am not the only one going through all of this and that maybe just maybe I am not crazy.

[CarlaB]

Hannahsue,

Relationships are very challenging. I agree that your husband is wrong to be yelling at you and there are issues that you may need counseling to straighten out, just because you need a third party there who is not on one side or the other. I also think your husband is scared and finds it hard to believe. I find it hard to believe that FOOD could have caused all these health issues for me.

As far as not being in the mood, I can totally relate. I've had low thyroid and adrenal glands, but I'm starting to feel human again in this regard. However, you cannot possibly underestimate how important sex is to a man. You have all these things on your list that you want him to do -- supporting you through this illness being one of them, eating gluten-free being another, plus all the normal stuff. If the one thing on his list is being met on nights you don't feel like it, but don't feel too bad for it, then he'll bend over backwards to support you. Trust me on this ... I've been married for 22 years this December ... we've had good times and bad times .... you cannot underestimate how important physical intimacy is to him. And don't consider him shallow for it .... he's just a guy.

[happygirl]

Hannah,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. We have all been in your shoes (the uncertainty) in some ways or another. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You are your own (and sometimes ONLY) best advocate. We'll be here to help.

Read some of the articles on celiac.com that describe how serious Celiac is. Read Dr. Green's book, Celiac Disease: A hidden epidemic. This way, you will be educated on Celiac (if it turns out what it is).

And I can COMPLETELY relate to wanting a positive diagnosis...of Celiac...of anything. You want answers and you want to feel better.

Write anytime-we can help out with a lot of stuff...recipes, ingredients, food, moral support, and a caring ear and heart.

Good luck.

Laura

[VydorScope]

DISCLAIMER - Im a husband of an awsome wife, so my opinion maybe vastly different then all these woman.

hannahsue, I would *highly* encourage you and your husband to get counseling. this isn't about you not feeling well, or whining; this is about him not having control. it screams it. you two need to learn how to communicate and work together.

YES. Well said. But I do not nesccesarly agree with the control statment, I would need more information to comment either way on that. He sounds more hurt to me then anything... read on.

Hannahsue,

Relationships are very challenging. I agree that your husband is wrong to be yelling at you and there are issues that you may need counseling to straighten out, just because you need a third party there who is not on one side or the other. I also think your husband is scared and finds it hard to believe. I find it hard to believe that FOOD could have caused all these health issues for me.

As far as not being in the mood, I can totally relate. I've had low thyroid and adrenal glands, but I'm starting to feel human again in this regard. However, you cannot possibly underestimate how important sex is to a man. You have all these things on your list that you want him to do -- supporting you through this illness being one of them, eating gluten-free being another, plus all the normal stuff. If the one thing on his list is being met on nights you don't feel like it, but don't feel too bad for it, then he'll bend over backwards to support you. Trust me on this ... I've been married for 22 years this December ... we've had good times and bad times .... you cannot underestimate how important physical intimacy is to him. And don't consider him shallow for it .... he's just a guy.

Look at the parts I bolded. Those are KEY.

Men and women think, act and ARE different. From his point of view (wether he knows it or not, realy does not matter, its how he is made) he wants to protect and care for you... and you presented a problem that he does not understand, and to him thats an attack on his manhood. As a woman you probably can not understand that, but whne your sick it hurts HIM emotionaly and men while they are just as emtional as women, are NOT equiped to handle it as well. This is one area where women are far superior to men, and always will be.

It is not right for a husband and wife to yell at each other, but anyone can tell you thats what happens in marraige. Alot more then anyone likes, and often more then anyone wants. When emotions are involed, ppl get loud. Its just how humans work.

But in the end, Tarnelberry is right. You to need find a good thrid party to sit with and work through this. I urge you to find someone, even if it is just a trusted older couple and not a professional. If your in a church, check with them,they will often either have ppl on staff or know ppl in the community that do it.

I have a hard time keeping up with threads here so feel free to PM if I fall off this thread if you want more info form the view of the other side.

[hannahsue01]

DISCLAIMER - Im a husband of an awsome wife, so my opinion maybe vastly different then all these woman.

YES. Well said. But I do not nesccesarly agree with the control statment, I would need more information to comment either way on that. He sounds more hurt to me then anything... read on.

Look at the parts I bolded. Those are KEY.

Men and women think, act and ARE different. From his point of view (wether he knows it or not, realy does not matter, its how he is made) he wants to protect and care for you... and you presented a problem that he does not understand, and to him thats an attack on his manhood. As a woman you probably can not understand that, but whne your sick it hurts HIM emotionaly and men while they are just as emtional as women, are NOT equiped to handle it as well. This is one area where women are far superior to men, and always will be.

It is not right for a husband and wife to yell at each other, but anyone can tell you thats what happens in marraige. Alot more then anyone likes, and often more then anyone wants. When emotions are involed, ppl get loud. Its just how humans work.

But in the end, Tarnelberry is right. You to need find a good thrid party to sit with and work through this. I urge you to find someone, even if it is just a trusted older couple and not a professional. If your in a church, check with them,they will often either have ppl on staff or know ppl in the community that do it.

I have a hard time keeping up with threads here so feel free to PM if I fall off this thread if you want more info form the view of the other side.

Thank you.....it is nice to get a mans perspective on all of this.

[CarlaB]

Thank you.....it is nice to get a mans perspective on all of this.

I encourage you to get your husband's perspective during a good time, not during a fight. Just tell him what you've read here, and ask him if intimacy is really that important. I've come to realize that romantic for me is totally different than romantic for him. For me, it's everything before .... for him, it's, well, uh, you know. My husband was perfectly willing to talk about it openly when I brought it up, and he was most appreciative that I cared enough to talk about it ... actually, the perfect time to discuss it would be after you've had a romantic time!! You'll find that if you care enough about this, he'll be much more open to new ideas like going gluten-free. He needs to feel taken care of, too.

My husband now has such a good humor about it all that he'll thank me for pretending I'm in the mood. LOL As I get healthier, it's not always pretending anymore!!

[par18]

I have had symptoms since early childhood that have only gotten worse. I have a list for the doctor of about 75 symptoms or so. As many of you I am sure can relate I feel like **** everyday. I feel like I have a bout of the flu that has lasted about 11 years that won't go away......I feel like I am going to throw up everyday....I don't even remember what it is like not to have a headache, muscle aches, or joint pain. I am finaly getting tested Thursday.....my husband yelled at me for hoping the tests come back postive.....maybe I am nuts but this seems to be the answear to everything that is wrong and I hoped this would help allot of it go away. Then on top of all of my problems my husband yells at me again tonight that I am making this out to be more than it is. He says I complain to much......but trust me he doesn't even her the half of it. It started tonight because once again I wasn't in the "mood". Now he seems upset that if myself and our duaghter come back positive that I plan on making our house gluten free.....I reminded him that he could have whatever he wished at work wich for him is everything but dinner. My grandmother (a celiac) says we need to be compleatly gluten free even replacing toasters and pans. I am depressed and he isn't helping. I can't seem to get through to him the gravity of the situation. If our daughter tests positive I don't want to risk her getting contaminated. I am even scared to send her to her grandparents as they don't seem to be taking it serious either. If anyone has any advice on how to help my husband and other family members to GET IT it would be greatly apprciated.

I see very little difference between men and women when it comes to getting it or not getting it. The only thing I notice on this board is that there a lot more women than men posting. Do more women get diagnosed than men ? Whether it is a man drinking a beer in front of me or a woman eating gluten bread the reaction is still the same. They both roll their eyes and keep on shoving it in. What I do find interesting is that it seems some people decide whether or not to go on the diet based on the reaction of family and friends. The same with staying on the diet if they start to encounter resistance from a "significant other". Something else I find disturbing is anyone who decides to do the diet and gets a positive response only to then seek 99 different "official" diagnosis in order to somehow justify what their body is telling them to do naturally. I feel through personal experience that the most success can be obtained in a gluten-free household. In my case this means I have assumed the role of doing most of the cooking. My wife supports this by not complaing about what we are eating. It is mostly naturally gluten free food anyway. I will admit not having to work and having no children makes all the difference. To me the worst case situation is having part of the familiy on the diet and the other half not willing to make any concessions. I would say to those women with celiac disease who have to stay home and take care of the rest of the family there are also husbands with this condition who continue to go to work. I agree 100% with the idea of the person with Celiac Disease getting better and setting a positive example. If this means doing whatever it takes to make this happen then so be it. Having to worry about whether someones's feelings get hurt in the process is pretty far down my list. Family or friends can either get on board or get out of the way! I have done quite well on the diet with the majority of support from only one other person and that is my wife. I really don't live my life expecting anyone else to either "get it" or support me. If they do then it is a bonus.

Tom

[prinsessa]

I'm so sorry you are having problems with your husband. My husband wasn't too against me being gluten free until the kids got diagnosed with gluten intolerance also. Then he seemed to think it was all a hoax. I told him that I'm not doing this to hurt me, the children or him. I want us to go totally gluten free at home for our health. And I also told him that I need him on my side. I have met some resistance from his family about it. And then while they were making their comments about my gluten intolerance he started making comments to me also. It really hurt my feelings that he would put me down (not intentionally) in front of his family. They already think I am a nut.

I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I did talk to him about it at another time. I told him how important it was for him to support me through this. He agreed and has been much more supportive lately. Have you tried talking to your husband at some other time while he isn't screaming at you. If he doesn't want to talk then I think counselling is the best thing. I hope your husband starts to support you. I know how much harder gluten intolerance can be when the people you live with don't support you.

[hannahsue01]

I'm so sorry you are having problems with your husband. My husband wasn't too against me being gluten free until the kids got diagnosed with gluten intolerance also. Then he seemed to think it was all a hoax. I told him that I'm not doing this to hurt me, the children or him. I want us to go totally gluten free at home for our health. And I also told him that I need him on my side. I have met some resistance from his family about it. And then while they were making their comments about my gluten intolerance he started making comments to me also. It really hurt my feelings that he would put me down (not intentionally) in front of his family. They already think I am a nut.

I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I did talk to him about it at another time. I told him how important it was for him to support me through this. He agreed and has been much more supportive lately. Have you tried talking to your husband at some other time while he isn't screaming at you. If he doesn't want to talk then I think counselling is the best thing. I hope your husband starts to support you. I know how much harder gluten intolerance can be when the people you live with don't support you.

I have talked to him when he is calm and we have not been fighting. At that point he often says he understands and wants me to get better. But then he turns around and throws it all in my face.....I think he is also upset that his children may have to deal with this.....our oldest shows sure signs but her blood tests were negative but she is also only 4.....our youngest was born 3 months early and is on a feeding tube with all kinds of feeding issues of her own. When he is upset his bigest complaint seems to be that I am over exagerating all of this.....how I feel.....that this could be the answear to all of this.....that we really need to have a gluten free home......that I can never ever eat gluten again. I know I have to do what is needed to make myself and my children better but at the same time with very little support from my family....the doctors telling me that all I need to do is see a pychiatrist and then my husband not being quite the oppisite of supportive I find myself feeling very depressed about this and about our relationship.

[eKatherine]

I think he is also upset that his children may have to deal with this.

Isn't he aware that this is a genetic condition, and if either of the kids has it, it means they got half of it from him?

[tarnalberry]

As far as not being in the mood, I can totally relate. I've had low thyroid and adrenal glands, but I'm starting to feel human again in this regard. However, you cannot possibly underestimate how important sex is to a man. You have all these things on your list that you want him to do -- supporting you through this illness being one of them, eating gluten-free being another, plus all the normal stuff. If the one thing on his list is being met on nights you don't feel like it, but don't feel too bad for it, then he'll bend over backwards to support you. Trust me on this ... I've been married for 22 years this December ... we've had good times and bad times .... you cannot underestimate how important physical intimacy is to him. And don't consider him shallow for it .... he's just a guy.

As much as I think that there are some serious, serious issues that are not just "he doesn't get celiac" that need to be resolved here, I also was to support what CarlaB is saying here. "Not in the mood" is not sufficient reason to avoid sex for months. And I say that as someone with a condition that makes sex painful - there's something that'll definitely put you 'not in the mood'. You don't have to have intercourse (though he may only be thinking about that right now), but physical intimacy is vital in an intimate relationship, on many levels - both the 'basic physical human need' as well as the 'basic emotional human need' levels, not to mention the bonding between two people (and that occurs, chemically, for at least women). It can require a lot of compromise, 'lowering the bar' for when you're willing to say 'yes', and a lot of creativity, but it's important. A sex therapist can help (even if it's *really hard work*, even after three years ) because this is the sort of thing that most people find very difficult to do on their own, let alone talk about on their own.

When he is upset his bigest complaint seems to be that I am over exagerating all of this.....how I feel.....that this could be the answear to all of this.....that we really need to have a gluten free home......that I can never ever eat gluten again.

Does he have any sort of calm understanding of what it means to eat gluten free? That it's NOT a big deal unless you make it a big deal? He could be just creating his own drama here.

[hannahsue01]

As much as I think that there are some serious, serious issues that are not just "he doesn't get celiac" that need to be resolved here, I also was to support what CarlaB is saying here. "Not in the mood" is not sufficient reason to avoid sex for months. And I say that as someone with a condition that makes sex painful - there's something that'll definitely put you 'not in the mood'. You don't have to have intercourse (though he may only be thinking about that right now), but physical intimacy is vital in an intimate relationship, on many levels - both the 'basic physical human need' as well as the 'basic emotional human need' levels, not to mention the bonding between two people (and that occurs, chemically, for at least women). It can require a lot of compromise, 'lowering the bar' for when you're willing to say 'yes', and a lot of creativity, but it's important. A sex therapist can help (even if it's *really hard work*, even after three years ) because this is the sort of thing that most people find very difficult to do on their own, let alone talk about on their own.

Does he have any sort of calm understanding of what it means to eat gluten free? That it's NOT a big deal unless you make it a big deal? He could be just creating his own drama here.

I agree that intamacy is a big part of a relationship. I find it realy hard to get in the mood to go that far.....I do try though. He doesn't go months without it or anything....in general he gets it at least once a week but being he's a guy and all he wants it just about every night. He may be making his own drama with the food thing. I have tried explaining to him that it just means that I (not him) will have to make allot more things from scratch. I have told him that there are alternative pastas and that my grandmother apparently has perfected a bread....bun.....cookies and many other recipes. I have still given him the freedom to buy and take whatever he wants to work to eat.

[tarnalberry]

I agree that intamacy is a big part of a relationship. I find it realy hard to get in the mood to go that far.....I do try though. He doesn't go months without it or anything....in general he gets it at least once a week but being he's a guy and all he wants it just about every night.

I don't want to generalize about men, and I wasn't trying to imply that you should be the one taking responsibility to just do it whenever he wants, but merely that you guys need to be on the same page - both with non-intercourse options and understanding each other's feelings and abilities and 'space' in the issue at the moment (and as that evolves). It may (or may not) be that "he's a guy and just wants it every night" (my experience has been that guys are more complicated than that but I'm sure some are that simple), but he also needs to understand and accept your side, while being able to trust that you understand and accept his. That's one of the reasons that I suggest a sex therapist - someone who provides a structured, safe environment for discussing these things. I won't say 'comfortable' - my husband went all of twice with me, and he was *not* happy about doing so, but he was way more willing to talk about these things at home so he wouldn't have to go back to the therapist with me. (Not that our issues are resolved. Just improving.)

As for the food thing, the only thing that will help with that is time. He may have a picture (albeit an incorrect one) in his head about what gluten free in his life and his kids life will mean. Make it as very very easy as possible. Show it to be as easy as possible. It doesn't have to be complicated, and if he sees that he's being the five year old crying fire over nothing, maybe he'll get embarassed at his own behavior?