Help! Need To Prepare Kids For Seeing Grandparent Who's Dying

[AndreaB]

We are going down to see my dad over Thanksgiving weekend. He has not told us directly what is going on....we've heard from close, reliable sources though.

My mom got an email back from a friend in Arizona who is my dad's wife's brother. Anyway, Dad is in very bad shape. His tumors spread from his prostate clear along to his kidney. The prostate treatment failed. There is absolutely nothing they can do for him. It's just a matter of managing the pain until he succumbs to this. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had one kidney removed (cancer) about 5 years ago. He's had CT scans throughout those 5 years. I think he had been moved to having them once every year or so. It just amazes me that this wasn't caught earlier. Am I correct to assume that this stuff spreads quickly?

My mom tried to warn me what it would be like to see him. Her dad died of cancer (she's not sure what kind but the kidneys were affected she thinks). Dad has lost a lot of weight, sleeps most of the time, hardly any energy etc. She doesn't think I should take the kids down but I told her he wanted to see them. Their visits will obviously be very short with him. Now I need to get some info about parks etc Mitch can take the kids to. My question is how to prepare the kids for this. I don't even know what I'm going to have to adjust to, let alone preparing them. Now I'm just hoping he'll make it til Thanksgiving. I assume he will. His mother, when she was dieing tried to hold out for her oldest son....didn't make it. He came in the day after she passed on.

I've told the kids he's dying but need to figure out how to prepare them for the visit.

[TinkerbellSwt]

Andrea

I am so sorry to hear of your dads illness. I dont have any words of wisdom to pass on to you about how to prepare your kids. I wouldnt know how to prepare myself, with kids it must be harder. I think your honesty with them will help along. I am sure others will post here with some information.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

[AndreaB]

Thanks Stephanie. I'll probably cry on hubby's shoulder tonight.

School, what school. The thing with homeschool is we can take breaks whenever we need to. It's going to be a limite basis for awhile. We may just have to work into the summer more.

[dlp252]

I'm just so sorry for you and your family! I don't have kids, so can't really give words of wisdom, but you could just tell them that grandpa is sick and is very sleepy most of the time.

[Michi8]

Andrea, I am so sorry your family is going through this difficult time. This is unfortunately a timely email for my family, because my FIL is passing away from brain cancer very soon...it's just a matter of days, maybe weeks.

He went into hospital last week after a seizure, and went downhill very quickly. By the time we visited last weekend, he was barely responsive: couldn't open his eyes, but could still hear and respond with a squeeze of the hand and slight movements. We brought the kids with us, because it is important for them to know what is going on, to communicate with their Grandpa while they can, and to make peace the best they can.

My eldest is 8.5, and really understands what is happening. He originally thought that Grandpa will get better, but he now knows that he will die soon. He wants to spend as much time as he can visiting with Grandpa. My 6.5 yo had a hard time seeing him, and didn't know what to make of it. He didn't want to touch him, because he doesn't look like himself. My youngest, 4 yo daughter, readily gave Grandpa a hug...and Grandpa had a tear roll down his cheek. She sang songs to him too, while he tapped his hand in time. All three kids talked to him about all the things they are up to. We know that it comforts Grandpa to listen, and to know that life is going on for the family just as it should. They all got to tell him they love him. My eldest has expressed a desire to go to the funeral...we will bring all three kids...they need closure too.

We are all going back again tomorrow and for the weekend to visit some more. It's a tough rollercoaster...not knowing a timeline is hard on everyone, especially MIL. We do know he is in no pain (no more headaches) and does not need pain relief. He also seems to be very much at ease. For that we are grateful.

I hope for peace and comfort for your Dad and family.

Hugs,

Michelle

[Green12]

Andrea, I am so sorry to hear the latest news about your dad, that he is worse than originally thought.

I hope they can keep him as comfortable as possible.

I always like the "hand in glove" analogy for talking to kids about death. I don't remember how it goes word for word, but you put a glove on your hand and that represents the person. You explain that their grandpa's "body" is very very sick and will soon be unable to keep working and he will go to heaven (or whatever your beliefs may be) You take the glove off your hand, and show them the glove is the "body" only - just a shell, a very small part of the person- and what is left is your hand- the person's soul, the largest part of the person, and it's all around them, in their memories, in their hearts, etc.

Hopefully that makes sense?

[CarlaB]

Honestly, I think it will be harder for you than for the kids. When you tell the kids that he's dying, they will wonder what a dying person looks like. They are used to things being new experiences because most of their life it still full of new experiences. So when they see him they will be full of curiosity, like kids are, then will go play in the park with Mitch.

Some of the kids will understand, some won't. My 8 year old asked questions about my grandfather's death several years later. She was too young to understand, but old enough to remember the details she couldn't process. Explain it all to them as best you can. They will appreciate your being open and will know it when you're hiding something.

It will go fine for them ... I'm more concerned about you. I'll pray for you. I don't look forward to that day in my life at all.

[AndreaB]

I'm just so sorry for you and your family! I don't have kids, so can't really give words of wisdom, but you could just tell them that grandpa is sick and is very sleepy most of the time.

That's true. He is sick and very sleepy.

Andrea, I am so sorry your family is going through this difficult time. This is unfortunately a timely email for my family, because my FIL is passing away from brain cancer very soon...it's just a matter of days, maybe weeks.

You're in much the same shoes we are except my dad is at home. Prayers for your family as well.

I always like the "hand in glove" analogy for talking to kids about death. I don't remember how it goes word for word, but you put a glove on your hand and that represents the person. You explain that their grandpa's "body" is very very sick and will soon be unable to keep working and he will go to heaven (or whatever your beliefs may be) You take the glove off your hand, and show them the glove is the "body" only - just a shell, a very small part of the person- and what is left is your hand- the person's soul, the largest part of the person, and it's all around them, in their memories, in their hearts, etc.

Thanks Julie. They would probably understand that.

Honestly, I think it will be harder for you than for the kids. When you tell the kids that he's dying, they will wonder what a dying person looks like. They are used to things being new experiences because most of their life it still full of new experiences. So when they see him they will be full of curiosity, like kids are, then will go play in the park with Mitch.

Yea, Talitha already wants to know about what kind of parks they can go to.

It's beginning to dawn on me that I'll need Mitch there more than anything. Aside from tending to the kids, he's going to be my shoulder to lean on and cry on.

[jerseyangel]

Hi Andrea,

I'm just so sorry about your dad and for all you're going through right now. I hope that at least he can be kept comfortable.

My father in law passed away from cancer when my boys were 4 and 8. We were honest with them about what was happening (in terms that they could understand). The important point here is that we all know our own kids best--you will know how to put things, and how much detail you want to go into.

Talk to the kids, and prepare them for what to expect. Urge them to ask you questions.

I think it's a very good idea to have a park outing or other out-of -the -house activity planned for them after their visit. This will also give you time to be with your dad--more one on one time without having to worry about or deal with the children.

It's so "you" to be worried about everyone else--remember to take care of yourself, too. I've got you and your dad in my prayers

[Michi8]

You're in much the same shoes we are except my dad is at home. Prayers for your family as well.

Thank you, Andrea.

You may find that your kids will do quite well with visiting in your father's home. The surroundings will be more comfortable for them than having to visit in the hospital where there isn't anything to do but listen to all the adults talking (my kids got bored with the visits fairly quickly.)

Michelle

[nikki-uk]

Andrea, no words of wisdom but wanted to send you big{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}} and am thinking of you all.

[almostnrn]

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are going out to both of you who are dealing with this right now, it very simply put is one of the most difficult things you will ever deal with. As I was reading over the posts I was trying to reflect on how we just handled going though this with my mom who passed away in March. So instead of trying to impart my words of wisdom, I ran upstairs and chatted with my 9 year old (our youngest) about it. I asked her to tell me what she thinks we did the best, or what helped her most. She said the best thing was that we never lied to her about how sick grandma was and that we talked to her before she got there about oxygen, sleepiness, etc. and that helped her not be scared when she was around my parents house. My mom was able to spend a lot of time talking with them too to reassure them that she would be in heaven looking down on them every day. She also said that she was glad we asked how she felt and kind of made them talk about what was going on with them emotinally because sometimes it really bothered her and she didn't know how to say it without upsetting me. Olivias last comment was that she was very glad that we gave them choices about some things. We never forced them to be in a situation they felt was more than they could deal with. After she passed away they were involved in as many of the "happier" reminiscing moments, picking pictures for the slide show at calling hours and such. They chose not to view her or to be involved in the calling hours but attended the funeral and burial. Now I know some people are very concerned about what should be done, and I'm sure some people would think it was disrespectful of them to not be involved in every part of the process. I suppose that is an individual choice, but for us, it fit. For me the most important part was helping them to hold onto all of the wonderful moments they had with her and not get stuck on the sickness. That is my best at how to handle the kids. I am concerned for you though. Please take care of yourself during this time and I know that is easier said than done. My heart just goes out to you and I wish there was something I could say to make it easier or better yet to just make it go away. As I said earlier, my prayers are with you.

[AndreaB]

Thank you so much for the kind and informative post Amy.

My daughter is the most vocal and she is looking foward to seeing her Grandpa. She knows he is dying, we haven't told her more than that yet. On the surface (or rather beneath it), she has a little knowledge of what death is and that people are buried when they die. None of my kids would be able to be involved in the funeral as my Dad lives out of state. I will work on memories with them. We only saw him twice a year and the visits were brief.

I'm sorry about the loss of your Mom too. Being able to see our loved ones in heaven someday is the hope we cling to.

[chrissy]

andrea----i am sorry you are having to deal with this. my step-father of 35 years passed away 4 days ago---we are in the process of funeral preparations and trying not to get any feelings hurt----blended families, you know. my mother explained to my youngest (3 yrs) that they were waiting for the angels to take grandpa. he became somewhat incoherent and finally slept the last day when he was given adequate pain medication. no matter how prepared you are for the end---it still is never easy. i hope you and your children can enjoy your time with him and have wonderful memories.