Sadness From My Sister

[Adelle]

Arrr! Can I just whine for a second?

Ok so ryan and I told my sister that we are thinking about having a child. Keep in mind that 1) she had katie 4 years ago with an abusive meth-head, came here is still living with our mother and she has never had an actual job. And 2) ryan supports both of us just fine, we have 0 help from either of our parents, we have great insurance, we're not rich, but we support ourselves just fine!

She FLIPPED out!! Telling me how kids ruin your life, you won't have "personal time", it's better not to have them etc. All this with her 4 year old in the same room with us!!!

Don't get me started on what she said about attachment parenting!! Every time she said something, we had a solution (ryan and I have been reading up early), and she just said "well that's just stupid".

I just felt so betrayed!! When she was living in texas, in a trailer, sans electrivity, I said congrats. It's just what you do!

Ryan and I are financially stable (not rich, but okay), have a GREAT marriage (it's cheesily good), and we both always wanted kids young. He's 23 and I'm 22. My sister had katie at 19.

I just felt so betrayed. what is so wrong with wanting children? Aren't they SUPPOSED to take up your time and energy? Isn't that a GOOD thing? What's so impossible about breastfeeding? And what's so bad about attachment parenting, ryan and I both were NOT raised that way and we want to raise our child differently that's all.

I just wanted a little support! I mean my hubby is supportive, but I wanted a WOMAN's support.

Arghhhhhhh!!!

Sorry, I know we're young, and I welcome advice, but don't tell me kids are awful and will ruin my life. We love kids and nothing will change that!

It just was really dissapointing.

Thanks for letting me complain.

[Canadian Karen]

It sure sounds to me like she is rather envious, and instead of admitting that, she is lashing out with criticism..... Perhaps she sees how happy you are, and if you have a child, you will be even happier. It's sad to think of sisters behaving that way, but it is the nature of the beast......

Hugs being sent your way.

Oh, and for the record, children are the best thing that could possibly happen to you. This coming from a mother of four.....

Hugs.

Karen

[Kaycee]

Adelle you can complain as much as you want and there is nothing wrong with wanting children.

Children are wonderful and enrich our lives and let us grow even more. As my children have nearly all grown up I'm in the process of looking forward to grandchildren, but that probably won't be for a few years

Go for your dream, no matter what your sister says.

It really is about what you and Ryan (Ryan's a good name, the name of my third son) both want, and not what your sister thinks. It is a bit unfortunate she has reacted like that for you especially when you needed her support in the idea.

Could she be a bit jealous because she has been bringing her child up alone without the support of a husband or partner? Bringing up children on your own even if you live with your parents is hard, I know so don't be too hard on her, she has not had it easy and her idea of bringing up children is probably full of mixed emotions.

All the best

Cathy

[Rebecca47]

Kids are wonderful. When you have them your whole world and the meaning of love change. For the good !!! Get started and enjoy everyone you have.

I have a grandaughter that is almost 11 months and she wonderful !!!! She is my Exboyfriends daughter. well maybe we will get back soon who knows but the baby is still wonderful !!!!

My son is wonderful, through good times and bad. he's 25 now..........

No grandkids from him yet !!!

[chrissy]

as a mother of 9 and step-mother of 2, i think it is great that you want to have kids. it is totally foreign to me when i hear of someone not wanting any children. i'm really impressed that you want to have them at a young age. it seems like so many couples get married anymore and wait years to have kids. good luck!!!!

[Ursa Major]

Don't listen to your sister! I have five children and seven grandchildren, and kids are precious! Our son (who has two older and two younger sisters) and his wife are the same age as you and your husband. They had a baby (my avatar) just before Christmas. They think it's the perfect age to have a baby!

It makes me sad to hear that your sister said what she did in front of her daughter. Four-year-olds are very smart, and hearing that must have upset her. Poor little thing.

[Adelle]

Don't listen to your sister! I have five children and seven grandchildren, and kids are precious! Our son (who has two older and two younger sisters) and his wife are the same age as you and your husband. They had a baby (my avatar) just before Christmas. They think it's the perfect age to have a baby!

It makes me sad to hear that your sister said what she did in front of her daughter. Four-year-olds are very smart, and hearing that must have upset her. Poor little thing.

I know, I tried to change the subject. We went outside and played after that.

Thanx for all of your support! I sure needed it! It's a nervewracking process!

Thanx again...

[CarlaB]

I have six kids ranging in age from 8-18. I can't imagine life without them!! Kids make life better .... have lots of them!! Big families are fun!

You CAN'T spoil your kids by giving them too much love and attention, only by giving them too many THINGS!!! The biggest problem people seem to have with attachment parenting seems to be that YOU don't get enough time to yourself ... I guess they assume that if they want so much time to themselves, you must want it, too. Or else they feel guilty they are not willing to give the time ... either way, stick to what you want to do with or without family support. We're raising these six kids with abolutely no help whatsoever from ANY grandparent ... my husband's brother will occassionally (once or twice a year) watch them for a weekend if we go out of town.

Don't worry about your sister. Families are often not supportive ... unfortunately. It's hard when the kids are young, but I'm SOOO glad we had a big family and started when we were young.

[Jestgar]

She FLIPPED out!! Telling me how kids ruin your life, you won't have "personal time", it's better not to have them etc.

Well duh. They do "ruin" your life, if what you want from life is to be selfish, spoiled, and self centered (which I am, and quite happy about it). I couldn't imagine giving up the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want.

I think I agree with Karen, she's envious that you are making a carefully considered decision, whereas she was just thrown into it. She is seeing all the things she had to give up, and you are seeing all the things you will gain.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Your sister sounds jealous--and UNHAPPY.

It must be obvious to her that you are in a positioin to do the mommy thing much better than she has done. Maybe , if she coudl do it again, she would do the attachment parenting/breastfeeding thing--or maybe she was unable to make it work because she was single and living in a trailer and had no support.

Either way, it sounds like she is not stable enough to give YOU support--so don't look for it right now. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, you knkow. Maybe she just needs a whole lot more support, and will probably need more for a long time, if she was with an abusive meth-head. Even if she is living with your mother and has no outside job, caring for a 4-year old can certainly be a full-time job--and recovering from an abusive relationship with a drug addict can take a lifetime. She must feel like a total failure compared to you.

It will take an enormous amount of patience and support on your part to make a relationship with her work--but that is good practice for motherhood!

[plantime]

See that little man in my avatar? I cannot imagine being the age I am now, 42, and just starting a family. I am exhausted just chasing after him for a couple of hours a few times a week! I had my babies when I was young, and I do not regret one nanosecond of it. You and Ryan have to do what you and Ryan feel is best for you, Ryan, and your babies.

[Guhlia]

First let me say that having children is the most fulfilling thing a woman and her partner can ever do. We are expecting our second. Children are wonderful.

That being said, your sister obviously is not having fun being a mother. She was very young, much younger than you are, when she had Katie. She probably wasn't ready to make all of those changes in her life and therefore, doesn't enjoy being a mother. Sadly, she probably feels as though she DID ruin her life by having a baby. I'm assuming hers wasn't exactly a planned pregnancy. Please forgive me if I'm wrong. What she said to you was wrong, BUT... Judging by Katie's age, her age when she had her, and your age now, I'm assuming she's your older sister. Given her experience with motherhood, she's just trying to protect you. For example, if your sister joined the military and had a horrible time of it and ended up quitting because she hated it so badly and then you decided to join the military she would likely warn you that it's not very fun and not a good decision for you to make. Or, if she got a facial and the lotion they used ended up burning her skin and then you decided to go to the same place to get a facial she would probably warn you that they don't know what they're doing and you shouldn't go. It's the same situation here... She's just trying to protect you from something that was traumatic for her. Because she's not financially sound and happily married (like you are) she will likely never understand how motherhood could be a blessing to you. Try not to let what she said bother you too much. She just doesn't understand where you're coming from.

Congratulations on your decision to have a baby. I certainly don't think 22 is too young to have a child, especially since you've obviously thought things through. There are many advantages to having a baby at a young age, both physically and emotionally. If you and Ryan are ready, go for it!

If you and your sister are close, you may want to pull her aside and mention what she said in front of Katie in the heat of the moment. Comments like those can be very damaging to a child. Perhaps if you bring it to her attention she will take the opportunity to at least apologize to Katie.

[Sinenox]

Since this thread is curiously devoid of people against having children, I just wanted to offer myself up as a (albeit small) target. I'm 22 and I'd practically rather die than have children. I think there are a lot of reasons to consider not having children. That said, I think that for some people, having children is a good idea at some point in their lives and for many it's acceptable. I also hold the belief that at current, having more than two or even three children is irresponsible in a number of ways. Here's a fun link to the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. Good reading. It has a section with a list of motivations for having children. It's fun to find yourself on that chart. So, let the flame war begin! But seriously, I'll be happy to represent your shoulder devil and defend the perspective that breeding may not be the best option.

[tiredofdoctors]

Sinenox, I hope that you aren't set up as a target. While I have two children myself, I can tell you that parenting is NOT for everyone. I also had a professor, a PhD in psychology, who said in essence that "everyone thinks that the decision NOT to have children is selfish -- what could be more selfish than to have a child just so a part of you lives on . . . " and went on from there.

That being said (always want to thwart potential arrows!), I am SO sorry about your sister's reaction. I think it's reprehensible that she said that children ruin your life in front of her four year old. I'm sure that he gets that message, whether it's spoken or not, each and every day. My heart aches for that child. I think that you and your husband have your priorities very clear. I don't know what attachment parenting is, so I'm not sure what your sister's beef is about that. I think that it's FANTASTIC that you have chosen to have children! My children brought me so much joy when they were growing up --- I had my first at 20, so we kind of grew up together --- but we had the MOST FUN!!!!! They still bring me joy -- they're 20 and 24.

I think that your sister is in a situation which is so different than yours that she simply can't be happy for you. I don't know if there are other issues in which she is non-supportive, but perhaps she is so unhappy with her life there's some jealousy there that you have your life together and she can't manage to do that. That's very sad.

I think it's GREAT! Happy Baby-ing!!!!!!

Lynne

[Fiddle-Faddle]

Sinenox, I do think that people who don't want children should NOT have them! If you don't want children, don't get pregnant! (Or, if you are a guy, don't get someone else pregnant!)

But people who WANT to be parents (that is different from wanting to have children, the way I see it), whether by pregnancy or by adoption, SHOULD be parents.

Adoption is a lovely idea. I would have been happy to adopt (still wouold be, as a matter of fact). However, I don't have $20,000 lying around. Health insurance covers pregnancy and childbirth, not adoption (more is the pity).

Adelle, do you think your sister does not want to be a parent? Do you think she might like you to adopt her 4-year-old? Or was she just having a bad day?

BTW, Sinenox, your link does not work, at least not for me.

[lonewolf]

Children are the best thing to ever happen to someone who wants them. If you want kids, then have kids. You'll never regret it. I have biological children and I have adopted and they are all a blessing. If your sister doesn't want any more, then she shouldn't have any. (And it is Sinenox's right to be childless - no one should have kids if they don't want them.) As for attachment parenting, it wasn't for me, but it's up to everyone to decide how to raise their kids - it's very personal.

[Canadian Karen]

I have no problem with anything Sinenox has said except for one thing.

It is every person's right and privilege to have children or NOT have children. One should not be judged either way. One should also not be judged by the NUMBER of children they have. Does her statement mean that just because I chose to have four children (well, technically, three, but the last pregnancy, God had other ideas and gave me twins!) does that make me an irresponsible person?

I have no way of knowing as the link did not work for me either......

Karen

[Rusla]

Adelle, I feel very sorry for your niece. It is obvious your sister hates her and she is going to spend her whole life being the odd man out. That poor kid must feel so lonely and unwanted. If you want kids then by all means have kids. Maybe you should also adopt your niece from your sister. I fear what that poor kids life is going to be like.

I also believe your sister hates herself for having been with a meth head and not really getting anywhere so she takes it out on her child and on you. I would say she is jealous of what you have and that it is not hers.

You did not make bad choices, she did.

[zakismom]

I have two children and they have given me by far the most difficult, challenging and magnificent times of my life. I am sorry your sister is so unhappy, especially when it effects others so much. You should do what you think is best for you-not what other people say you should do!

[Sinenox]

Sorry about the link. Here it is again:

Open Original Shared Link

It's mostly tongue-in-cheek but it's good to think on. It has a nice chart of motives for having children and reasons that these motives ought to be questioned.

I agree that people who would like children and are well prepared for them should have them, or seriously consider adopting. I'm not really disagreeing that children might be a nice addition for you. I half-expected to bait out all those pro-birthers who wanted to tell me about their god-given right to have as many children as they could pop out. I just wanted to offer a source of reasons why having children may not be the best choice for everyone - or even, many people.

And C. Karen it is my personal opinion that having more than 2 or maybe 3 kids is incredibly irresponsible in this day and age. I spend a lot of time doing research for an Environmental lawyer, and that probably doesn't help. It isn't a personal attack, it's just a fact. If we don't focus, as a species, on population control in the next 20 years...we're in a lot of trouble.

Hehe, Happy Baby-ing. Cute.

[Canadian Karen]

Here in Canada, we are encouraged to "go forth and multiply".....

If you go into the following link and click on "The Importance of Immigration to Canada - A Focus on London", open the document and go to Page 17, you will see that Canada's population decline is being shored up by immigration and that Canadian couples are not only encouraged to "replace themselves", but to throw in a few more if possible......

Open Original Shared Link

Perhaps worldwide, there is a different story, but as far as I am concerned, I have the typical Irish Catholic Canadian Newfie outlook on life: "There's always room for one more....." (I guess that's why I have 102 first cousins.......)

Karen

[Rusla]

That is what the government says but they are not doing anything to help those who do go forth and multiply. I would say most people do not have the income to support more than two no days. In this province most can barely support themselves with the high cost of living, homes and rents. Average house in Calgary now is $500.000.