Rant, Friend Problems..

[num1habsfan]

Hey, my Celiac friends.For those of u who read my post b4 my scope in saskatoon u saw my rant about my best friend,so this is a repeat and i'm sorry.for those who dont know heres how it started:

I was worried about my scope in s'toon/calgary,of course everyone turns to their friends when stressed/scared and need someone to listen/convince them it'll be ok,etc.so i tried talkin to her a couple weeks ago about things,and she ignored my needs,bragged about her bf,got mad and accused me of findin her news a waste of time,and took off...(shes 27, btw)

on monday i finally took the time to write HER.explain how i needed her she didnt really listen,i wasnt ignorin her,just completely distracted.and the only thing i can remember from the last 2 weeks was the text messages I got from J.,anythin anyones sayin isnt stickin in my mind at all...

my internet here in yorkton is really acting up,so im on web messenger,but it takes forever to load a message.she sent me some tonight,and was off before I read them,but maybe its a good thing after what she said....

"hey, i'm not mad at u, just hurt that even though u have a lot going on, u couldn't be happy for me

yeah i'm worried about u, but i wanted to share something special with me

it hurt u couldn''t do so

when you're ready let me know"

*cries*

HOW is tell her "thats awesome"/sayin i'm happy for her NOT sayin i'm happy for her?I'm not the one who did anythin,i didnt ignore her.i didnt make accusations.i apologized when i wasnt the one who needed to..

PLEASE COMMENT or make suggestions,I DONT need to be dealin with this right now and if i dont find some way to fix it i feel like im gonna have a major panic attack very very soon..SOOO sorry for the rant!!

~ lisa ~

[Nantzie]

I think you should treat this like an olive branch. Let her know of course you're happy for her. But you were really scared and needed support. Let her know how much you appreciate all the support she's given you.

People who have good health really can't even comprehend what poor health really means. It's just beyond them. They're like cavemen in their understanding. People with chronic health problems are the Einsteins of their field. Doctors don't even really understand. Normal, healthy people who have only had to deal with things like the flu, a broken arm or even food poisoning are basically still wearing animal skins and chasing after their food with pointy sticks.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but there's a logical thought in there someplace.

I know from having both my parents pass away that when you're watching someone you love suffer every day sometimes you don't know what to do and you don't know what to say. Sometimes you feel so helpless want to cry because your friend or your family member has been through enough and it has to stop and you know there is nothing you can do. Sometimes you say or do something stupid or selfish.

If she wasn't your friend she wouldn't be reaching out to you. Sometimes it's working through these type of things that make a friendship stronger.

Nancy

[num1habsfan]

Yeah shes been there before, but getting mad at someone for not wantin to talk about ur bf isnt somethin u should do to a friend the day before they have a physical test, right?

i see she replied to my email, too. but i dont have the strength today to read it. i felt like cryin enough for 1 day already, will read it tomorrow. i do have to sleep so i can get up decent time to study, so if i read it tonight that'd never happen.

maybe my rant makes no sense, but it'd just be nice to have more tha my best friends on the internet to support me (not that i dont love it!), omeone who personally knows me...

*sighs*

Does the drama in this life of mine EVER end?

~ lisa ~

[PeggyV]

Lisa,

I also agree with the advise, I think she is trying to make up. Lifes to short to waste it being mad at someone you care about. Young women unfortunatly do tend to get very selfish, especially when they meet someone new..... Forgive her.

The good news is that the drama can definiatly decrease with age. After living in constant "drama" for years, I am happy to say that my life has been drama free for 5 years. Now the only drama I have is from my 24 year old daughter.

Peggy

[Jestgar]

Uhh, I have a far less diplomatic response

"hey, i'm not mad at u, just hurt that even though u have a lot going on, u couldn't be happy for me

yeah i'm worried about u, but i wanted to share something special with me

it hurt u couldn''t do so

when you're ready let me know"

*cries*

translation: I really don't care that you're worried about your health, worried about pain, worried about school, worried about a medical procedure, everything is about ME and I expect you to understand that.

I'm sure she's basically a nice person, but she's selfish. If you are OK accepting her on those terms (which means being aware that she will NOT be there for you when you need support) then take steps to repair the friendship. But don't expect her to be something she's not.

[2kids4me]

I'm thinking along the same lines as Nancy. She is reaching out to you, it sounds as if you both needed something completely opposite during your last get together. She was excited about her new relationship, wanted to chat and be happy. You were needing a shoulder , a soft place to land, to talk about your fears...

So it sounds like you both feel the same way - you were not heard that day.

My world is completly different from many moms I know, I can't just pick up be spontaneous, I cant just go for coffee on a whim or go to Calgary and shop while kids are in school (Calgary is an hour drive away). Besides having kids with medical issues, I have some myself, our holidays are planned around doctor appoitments.

People who have their health and no concerns about where/when they eat can't be expected to uinderstand what its like for us. They have no clue what its like to wait for referral appointments, prepare for a colonoscopy or biopsy or deal with doctors who aren't helpful. Just liike I dont know what it's like to have 4 kids since I only have 2 - I can listen but never truly get it, I have friend with a severley disabled son - I can listen but I will never truly understand what her life is like - but I do share her fears when her son gets something"simple" like cold. A cold is never simple when you can't cough well, or you might choke on the mucous. I have headr my children chatter away, knowing that my friend has never heard "Mom, I love you" from her child.

You friend is ignorant in the sense she cannot know what its like for you. It sounds as of she's trying to "mend the fence" and wants to let you know she does care biut hat she felt ignored as you did. She is blinded by her excitement about a new relationship. I think if you both acknolwedge that maybe it wasa bad carma night and you were at opposite ends of the spectrum - it would help. You wouldn't be so upset unless this person's friendship was important to you. Take her for whats he is, and understand that she can only give what she able at this point.

I have had some friends say that thery hesitate to ask me "how are you?" because the answer is never the short and sweet " I'm doing great, how about you?"..... and because at times I was so focused on health issues iwth kids, I missed the fact that they need my ear that day and then they held back what they were going to say cause it didn't seem as bad as what I was dealing with....so they were there for me but I failed to recognize their need was as great as mine ....

rambling on....

Maybe your friend thought she had been there, listened and then wanted to talk about something cheerier and was bubbling over with excitement about her news - at least that is the impression I am getting from your post. Yes, she mimized something that was very stressful for you - but she did it because she is ignorant - I mean that in the best sense- ignorant because she has never experienced it before. Not ignorant as in: malicious, or rude.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Sandy

[num1habsfan]

hey guys i'll tell u a summary of what the email said...

Basically she said shes been at her bfs place almost all the time (like i needed to know that!), she accused me of being mad and jealous of her because she has her guy and I dont have J., shes avoiding contact with me because all I have to talk about is my health/J., and she also said shes sure that the rest of my friends feel the same way...

I told some of the girls this, and 2 replied (the 2 that have texting plans ha) and they said i'm doin nothin wrong, and that I do have interesting things to say and they're not tired me of, and even if I do talk about my health/jay its always something new and important.

Still, I now feel so..unwanted

~ lisa ~

[Jestgar]

Sweetie, you're not unwanted. And I have a low tolerance for boring and I can honestly tell you, you are not boring. Everything you have to say has a new experience, a different angle, a new approach. The only reason she is tired of you is because you're no longer talking about her.

[2kids4me]

yes, she sounds like the type of "friend" that requires undivided attention, likes to talk about her lfie ...and even though your health problems are ongoing and change and you need ot tlka about the effects that ahs on your life...this friend sounds like - or is ocming acorss like - yeah, yeah, I heard all this beore but you know what - I have this fantastic boyfriend, have I told you about what we did yesterday.

Try to get rid of the feeling unwanted and replace it with - I have outgrown the friendship right now, we are not compatable at this time ..and let it go...make time for the other 2 friends you speak of.

I think it was not calssy and also immature that she dares ot speak on someone else's behalf and try and make you feel bad about talking about your health problems. Amost like she's scared to stand on her own and just say : I dont want to hear about it....no, she brings in others, and says: all of us dont want to hear about it...if it was me I would respond with : No dear, its you that doesnt have the time for empathy, the others you speak about, have certainly made the time for me.

I think its time to let go for awhile and focus on friends that wanta reciprocal relationship.

Sandy

[Nantzie]

Wow!

It sounds like she's not capable of being a true friend to you. Don't hate her. Just understand that she isn't tough enough. You need and deserve friends who have the strength to weather the storms. Just because your storm has come at an early age doesn't mean their storms aren't coming. When your friends storms come, even if you can't really do anything for them, you will know how to be a support and be the rock that they need.

I have had a few people in my life who have dropped me like a hot rock. As much as it hurts at the time, when I get some distance and can see the person from a different perspective, I wonder why I didn't see them as they were before they dropped me.

I had a best friend who was actually my matron of honor. She stopped talking to me abruptly not long after my wedding. I still have no idea why. Maybe I did something, but she wouldn't tell me what happened. I tried for about a year to reach out to her, find out what I may have done to offend her and then had to let it go. I realized after that, when looking back, that she had treated a lot of people like that. She and I had been friends for a long time, but the friends she made other than me would come and go (we lived about ten miles apart, so we had other friends than each other). She'd find a really good friend and then all of a sudden stop talking to her. I never pryed about anything because it wasn't any of my business. What she'd usually say was that they did or said something that she didn't like so she wasn't talking to her anymore. I finally realized that I was just another one of the people she dropped. No matter what the trigger of it was for her, her reaction had nothing to do with me at all. Now I just feel sorry for her. We were 30 at the time by the way, so age has very little to do with it.

Please know that her treatment of you isn't a reflection of you, your worth, or your ability to be a good friend. It's a reflection of her maturity at this point in her life. Some people don't grow up until they've been through some true hardships themselves.

[Jo.R]

I would take a step back and see what kind of person she is besides this one issue. If she has been suportive in the past, a good friend, and unselfish then try to work it out. Even the best people get caught up in their own world at times. On the other hand, if you have been the driving force in the friendship, and it often seems to be all about her, then you need to rethink the type of relationship you have. Some of my funnest friends are not the people I would turn to in crisis. It's all fun for them, they can't handle the hard parts of friendship. With age I have learned to accept that about them. When I want to go out and have a good time they are the people to call. When there is a crisis then I call my closer friends, the ones who do work at the relationship with me.

I'm sorry you have had to go through this, but if you look at her whole character and see that she is a selfish friend, then you have to let it go. She will not be what you want. I hope this is a one time thing with her.

[num1habsfan]

Thanks guys. I talked to a few more friends, the said the same thing as those 2 i first mentioned...that they enjoy talking to me, and that I always make things a 2 way conversation and that since my sickness/J. at the most important/current news in my life, of course i'll talk about them more than anythin else.

I dont thnk i'll reply to her just yet...i think i may give it at least a week. If i still dont feel ready, maybe i'll try a month, see if she notices me gone...

*sighs*.

~ lisa ~

[gfp]

num1habsfan: Its not going to help asking other friends if you were correct... what you need to decide is if she is a true friend?

If you decide she is then she is probably insecure right now and being self centered... if she is always like that then she's probably not a true friend... but if she is acting weird she could be depressed or other things are happening in her life...

I could say to you.. you don't have time to deal with this right now... and concentrate on yourself and so on.. but you know I might equally be giving her the same advice? Perhaps she is feeling lonely and that your not so close anymore?

Basically she said shes been at her bfs place almost all the time (like i needed to know that!),

Erm you don't need to know but she's saying why she has less time?

Also your lack of interest in this is indicating you are somewhat treating her as she is treating you...

you also sound a little jealous... like she shouldn't mention this because you don't have one..???

Be honest with yourself ... because if this is the case then it explains why your growing apart....

Perhaps she has self exteem issues and she feels you should be interested in her new BF?

You need to grab the olive branch or not... if you don't it will likely be withdrawn and you will put a gap in your relationship that might never heal. If you want to continue the relationship then you should take it and decide later if its worth continuing...

[2kids4me]

I dont thnk i'll reply to her just yet...i think i may give it at least a week. If i still dont feel ready, maybe i'll try a month, see if she notices me gone...

Going around asking other people for reassurance about who you are and how you come across is usually not productive. You know yourself what you talk about with people and if you provide an ear for them.

She did respond to you and you have decided to ignore the olive branch - her response was not what you wanted to hear (I assume you were looking for her to apologize and ask you all about everything). ..if you wait to see if she notices you're gone then you are not taking responsibility for your own decision - to end the friendship.

If you want to maintain the friendship on whatever level, then you need to respond - its common courtesy.

If you feel this is not worth the effort ( the friendship), then dont respond to her last email. But again, the mature thing to do is be honest and without blame - tell her that at this time, it seems that you are not on the same wavelength....

But to just ignore her last email is just as rude as what she did to you - because that is how she will perceive it at her end, and maybe she's talking to all her friends asking them what they think of the whole thing.

Life is too flippin short for this kind of thing - I have lost friends to accidents and disease - if you spend the next couple of weeks stewing over this - how will it create inner peace?

If you decide not to answer the email and she dies in a car wreck - how will you feel about yourself in all of this.

You decide what happens in your life, and how you will handle it... regardless of how many friends you talk to, the decision is yours and the consequences are yours to deal with..... the consequences here being ........the friend is in your life or she's not

Sandy

[CarlaB]

I think several things are happening here.

The most important thing in your life right now is your health and the most important thing in hers is her new boyfriend. Neither of you were interested in the other's most important thing.

The other thing that's happening is that she has little time and interest in you because she just wants to be around him. She has to make it seem all your fault or she'll feel guilty for neglecting your friendship. People have to rationalize the thing they do because no one wants to be a bad person.

I'm glad you have other friends who care and are supporting you. I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this one as long as she has a boyfriend. She'll come back when he's gone, but don't get too attached to her affections because as soon as another guy comes along he will be her world again.

I also think many of the things she's saying (and possibly, you, too?) she doesn't mean ... it's just because it's a disagreement.

I'd just lie low, stay around your other friends, and maybe someday she'll be your friend again, but at least then you'll know what kind of friend she is. It's always disappointing to find out people you care about don't really care. People always say, in illness (or other adversity) you find out who your REAL friends are.

I've never really tolerated friends like this ... guess that's why most of my friends were always guys! They don't play the same stupid games girls do!

[num1habsfan]

Sandy, I'm not goin to ignore her forever. I think I just need time to think things through more and to calm down before I send a reply. I will reply, just not right right now.

I never have liked friends like that, who forget about the rest of the world once they are datin someone, and its kinda ironic she used to agree.

Like some of my other friends were sayin, its probably just huge miscommunication/misassumptions on her part. I wasnt ignorin her, she just thought so.

gfp, i'm not jealous of her. i have been single my whole entire life, I am used to everyone else dating people, and it was me who encouraged her that this is a guy she should date. It'd be like I am turnin on my own advice if I was jealous. Just because J. may be my only real potential, and just because I am very slowly takin my time to reachin where I think we both want to be, dont mean I hate her for gettin her guy in a couple months or whatever it was.

I've always been someone who gives people other chances, if they want it. If she decides to apologize and do the right thing, then I'll slowly take her back. But I sure wont jump straight into it and go back to that full trust...I have been hurt way too many times that way.

And Carla, i agree about having guy friends . I dont have tooo many, but its easier to laugh at misunderstandin at whatever when its someone of the opposite sex. And when its a guy you'd never consider datin in a million years, thats an even better friendship.

~ lisa ~

[gfp]

gfp, i'm not jealous of her. i have been single my whole entire life, I am used to everyone else dating people, and it was me who encouraged her that this is a guy she should date. It'd be like I am turnin on my own advice if I was jealous.

Fair enough but its not me (or the board) I asked you to answer to but yourself .... because

i have been single my whole entire life, I am used to everyone else dating people

sounds a bit like jealousy...

There's nothing wrong with this... heck I'm jealous of lots of people and friends... sometimes not their whole life but sometimes just parts of it...

Very few people I suspect can say they are not at all jealous of anyone....

It'd be like I am turnin on my own advice if I was jealous.

Not at all.... I'm jealous of people who took my advice seriously...

The only important things I learned about jealousy is its OK and that its best in the open... I often tell friends, hey that's great I'm really jealous...

I never have liked friends like that, who forget about the rest of the world once they are datin someone, and its kinda ironic she used to agree.

Basically she said shes been at her bfs place almost all the time (like i needed to know that!),

Anyway, if you were the one encouraged her then of course she expects you to be interested! And she did communicate, it was just about her and her relationship... but at the time you wanted to discuss other things....

You know this is best done face to face... emails and stuff (and this board) all miss facial expression and the persons response...

Emails force people to answer questions... like you say you were hurt so she makes an excuse but of you were sitting together it could have been a hug instead!