How To Handle This . . .

[LynnR]

We are invited to a wedding in June & I am already getting worried about it. If I could, I would not go. But these are very close neighbors of ours & are wonderful people.

I don't want to go & sit there while everyone is eating all sorts of goodies & I can't have anything. Usually weddings have everything from soup to nuts.

These people are the type that don't leave anything unturned. How do I handle this special occasion?

[tarnalberry]

It's such a personal situation, that there's hardly one answer that will be best for you other than the one you'd come up with yourself. I've gone to weddings since being gluten-free and not had much of anything (other than some grapes and strawberries off the fruit trays ;-) ). And I've brought my own food. And, for the most part, sat there enjoying the conversation while others ate. But you've noted that would bother you, so you have to figure out where on the spectrum of solutions YOUR comfortable spot is.

[Deby]

I understand your situation completely. Having been gluten-free for almost 4 years now I'd like to offer my take on this.

As i see it, you have four choices:

1. Go and be resentful because you can't eat. (been there done that had a rotten time and made my guests feel awkward!)

2. Go and pretend you are having a good time though inside you are resentful over the food. (been there, done that too with the same outcome.)

3. Don't go, feel left out while at the same time possibly hurting your neighbor's feelings. (sad to say, I done this one too.)

4. Eat first then Go. Have a great time realizing that the day is about a marriage and not about what everyone is eating, or not eating. (now do this and am enjoying life much more!)

I realize that might sound harsh, but you are going to be gluten-free for the rest of your life. Your neighbor's daughter will only be married once, as will other people, friends and family. If you get into the mind set of staying home because you have gluten-free and not enjoying life because of food, you will be missing out on so much joy. Also, if you don't go when you are invited your friends and extended family might start to get the idea that your disease has made you off limits and you may stop getting invitations.

That would be sad.

[Carriefaith]

I was in a wedding (a bridesmaid) last June and I got along just fine!

I brought my own food to the before-wedding dinner and I snacked on some veggies and fruit after the wedding. I just went with a positive attitude and I didn't regret not being able to eat any of the gluten foods.

I think that you should go and have a good time! If you don't feel comfortable bringing your own food eat before you go.

Something that may help.....

Eat something that you love before you go and while everyone else is eating dream of new gluten-free recipes that you can try and enjoy

[veggf]

Hi,

Weddings are such joyful occasions and very stressful for the wedding party and their families. When I had a friend who was getting married recently check to see if there was anything she could do for me food wise at the reception, I said no. I ate before the reception and brought a small gluten-free snack bar in my purse. I ate bare fruit and veggies enjoyed the wine and had fun talking to friends and wishing the bride and groom well.

Eat before, sip water or a drink during dinner, and be the life of the conversation at your table, because your mouth won't always be full like everyone elses.

I will say this though, I have a very close family member being married soon and they want me to bring some gluten-free cake, because so many of their friends have intolerances and allergies. I think that is very cool!

Enjoy yourself at the wedding and best wishes to the couple!

[jaimek]

I am at the age right now where all of my friends are getting married. I am shocked that noone suggested actually calling the place where the reception will be held and asking if they can accomodate you. These places deal with food allergies all of the time. I have done this for the past 3 weddings I have gone to with no problem at all. The staff was extremely accomodating and always brought out a special meal for me. I am actually getting married in September so they are obviously going to have to do a lot of accomodating then. It shouldn't be a problem for you at all. I would just call ahead and let them know exactly what you can and cannot eat!

[FreyaUSA]

JamieK, Thanks for your comment! I'm going to a fancy holiday DINNER party this Saturday and have been wondering how to go about eating and not making it a big, gluten-free deal (as my kids call it. ) My husband is getting the catering company's name as I type and I'll be giving them a call shortly.

Veggf, about bringing cake for you and others...My daughter has a close group of eight friends where one has peanut allergies and my daughter is gluten-free. The last party we went to was the other girl's. I volunteered to bring the cake and everyone loved it. The next one is my daughter's so I'll be baking it again for all. Everyone, parents and kids, thought the gluten-free cake was far better than regular. We were joking that I should be the official cake baker, which works for me! (I have to bake something for my daughter anyway and it's always peanut free, often cf and can be egg free...Lol!)

LynnR, I know it's rough in the beginning to relax about outside food events, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept you have a minor limitation and get emotionally past it. Don't make events that include food be all about the food, even if it a food event. Go out, enjoy your family and friends, celebrate life and your good health! Good luck!

[lovegrov]

I agree with calling the caterer. Ask your friends for the number so you can ask all the questions you need to and so you don't add anything else to the chores they need to do.

If you don't want to do this or can't find anything to eat, relax. They'll be so busy the last thing they'll be doing is keeping track of whether you're eating.

richard

[kvogt]

In public situations I typically don't eat unless something is obviously safe. It's too easy to get poisoned by some well-intentioned caterer server. I try not to leave the house hungry or let my stomach do my thinking for me.

[ms-sillyak-screwed]

Hi all my celiac friends in cyberspace!

Please I welcome your thoughts and ideas. My brother (is with a famous Rock'N'Roll Band) and is getting married in December on my Birthday in CanCun, Mexico and he is flying in all the guests. (but not a private chef) I have been deathly ill with celiac and thyroid problem I still don't have under control. I just started thyroid meducation that hasn't started taking effect yet.

I know I can't travel to a third world country and eat the food, no less speak the language to ask them to prepare, gluten, dairy free diet. I'm hypersensitive to other food alergies with the thyroid too. I don't trust it... I'll be in hospital montazoomas revenge (giggle) with in hour... They won't know how to understand or treat me, I know.

I live by the lifestyle, play it safe, eat at home, and go to the event, have a wonderful time and pick on things that are 'safe', it has always worked for me in the past and I enjoyed myself... But under the circumstances, it's imposible.

But this is creating a huge riff in my family. The bride is a b*tch we all have asked them to please reconsider and have the wedding here in the US someplace -- she out-and-out refuses. My brother says, "It's the brides day!" and my father and I are at a point we don't want to go...

Any ideas? I welcome any and all in put...

Thanx

[cdford]

The other thing I have not seen mentioned is to simply approach the couple and share the situation with them. Most people are willing to accomodate if given an opportunity and some good suggestions (would you consider having some cheeses and fruit at your reception? kinds of comments). My son is getting married in June and his bride is working with me to ensure that there is plenty there that we can eat safely. For the most part we have found that it just means verifying which brand of the items will be used. Obviously, we will steer clear of the sandwiches. She was quite comfortable making sure that the crackers were in a separate dish and placed after the cheeses on the table to minimize the concerns over cross contamination. It is often the little things...and how you approach them...that make a difference. I also spoke with the caterer and she was more than happy to do those little things that were necessary to make it safe for us.

For ms_sillyak_screwed: Have you checked to see if you can get a copy of the restaurant card in the other language? I know the book from csaceliacs.org has it translated into a slew of different languages. I take it with me even here when we eat at a restaurant where the owner/operator's primary language is something other than English. Also, if the wedding will be held at a larger hotel they probably deal with this more often than you would expect and their chefs may work with you. It can be a pain dealing with other people's excentricities, but this one may be worth it for your brother's sake...not to mention the long term relationships within the family. You can also take your own foods and keep them in your room. Plan ahead and eat before you go just in case.

[darlindeb25]

well--i look at things differently that many people i guess, but then so does my sister this has never been a problem for me---celiacs is celiacs and weddings are weddings--one has nothing to do with the other--i dont go places worrying about my celiacs--celiacs has stopped me from going because i was too sick to go before gluten-free but since gluten-free, i enjoy weddings, family get together, parties, everything--i dont go to these events to eat--food has never come first in my mind--before i was gluten-free lots of the foods at these weddings or whatever would make me sick before i could get home, so i just didnt eat anyways--i dont go for the food, i go for the togetherness-----if you let celiacs cripple you, it will--in my mind, i would much rather share this wonderful day with family and friends then worry about what i am going to eat--maybe you need to look at things in a different way--food is never as important as family and friends---just my opinion, but i do feel it is a very good opinion---deb

[Maggie1956]

I have my neice's wedding in two weeks. We HAVE to go, she is the only daughter of my brother and sister-in-law, and also the only niece/nephew at all on my side of the family.

Luckily, my bro & sis-in-law know I'm a celiac and have made note of it to the chef at the reception.

We're going to a Chinese restaurant the night before with by brother, his wife, sand other people we haven't met before. I'm more concerned about THIS than the wedding feast.

I've asked my brother if he wouldn't mind checking that the restaurant cooks without MSG. I've also told my brother that I'm happy to order my own meal (he was going to order for us all) rather than take the risk of eating something with gluten in it.

I think, sticking to the basics is the best bet. Things such as vegetables, fruit etc will be safe. It's better to be safe, and look a little different than to be ill the entire time.

I intend to remember Melissa's big day as a wonderful time, not as the day I felt like cr^p all day.

[flagbabyds]

If they're really close friends as you said then they should be up to accomidating you however they can, because they want you to be safe and not sick. Hope it is a fun wedding !

[angel-jd1]

Traveling to another country for a wedding would be hard. Having a bridezilla on the loose would make things even worse!!

I would suggest trying to pack some things in your suitcase to take over with you. Try to pack some things like Thai kitchen noodles, peanutbutter, nuts, some crackers (love blue diamond nut thins), things that are non perishable and are small to fit into your suitcase and not take up much space.

I am sure you will be able to find fresh fruits, veggies and meats there without problems. Those would be safe for you of course. Maybe they will have some fruit and cheese trays at the reception!?!

You didn't say how long your stay would be or the country you are going to. Some countries are much better about gluten-free products than the US. Australia is a wonderful one. Maybe you will be lucky and find some great products where you are going.

I am sure they are spending plenty of money on the wedding, so I am sure spending a little more to make the sister of the groom happy shouldnt' be too much of an issue. Voice your needs to your brother and maybe he can help make sure that you get what you need and it will help him understand your frustration and anxiety.

-Jessica

[plantime]

I know I can't travel to a third world country and eat the food, no less speak the language to ask them to prepare, gluten, dairy free diet. I'm hypersensitive to other food alergies with the thyroid too. I don't trust it... I'll be in hospital montazoomas revenge (giggle) with in hour... They won't know how to understand or treat me, I know.

But this is creating a huge riff in my family. The bride is a b*tch we all have asked them to please reconsider and have the wedding here in the US someplace -- she out-and-out refuses. My brother says, "It's the brides day!" and my father and I are at a point we don't want to go...

My suggestion is to eat lots of fruits and veggies with no sauces, and plain meat. I don't know if you would be allowed to take food with you, as I don't know Customs laws.

As far as the bride, you don't get to choose your family, except the one you marry! Your brother has to live with her, so be patient and be friendly! Maybe a wedding in Cancun is something she has dreamed of for all her life, and this is her only chance to make that dream come true. Since Cancun is a great vacation resort, chances are that someone will be able to translate for you. Call the hotel yourself, explain about your celiac. It is very possible that they have already dealt with this before, and have a plan in place for it. After all, catering to the public is their "bread and butter", and they want to add jam!

[ms-sillyak-screwed]

Thanks for the ideas...

Please keep in mind the WEEK-LONG wedding is in a tiny spot in CanCun on a beach. There will little for me to choose from on a menu. The B*tch Bridezilla has planned this wedding there because she HATES me and my dad, its a known fact. It's the real reason. She knows my health issues. My Rock Star brother has a problem with shyness (although can perform in front of thousands and thousands of fans) he lets Bridezilla control everything.

With my celiac I am hypersenstive to EVERYTHING -- My celiac friends, I have the ULTIMATE CHALLANGE!

I can NOT eat anything CORN, RICE, POTATOES, GLUTEN, DAIRY, CHEESE, BUTTER, SOY (it is a big no-no too) NO peanut butter, rice cakes, as well as limited types of NUTs also. Some VEGGIES ARE LIMITED too with my thyroid problem. No Onions, TOMATOES, Garlic, the list is too long to list... Veggies have to be steamed... FRUIT NO ORANGE, CRAPFRUIT, CRANBERRY, I can only tollerate only melons and some berries at this stage with my thyroid problem. BANANA are my best friend! I eat plenty each day 3 or 4...

Most of what I eat is like a cave man/woman CHICKEN, STEAK, BURGERS, TURKEY, all GRILLED- BAKED or BROILED. JUICE fresh sqeezed carrot celery, zuccini, juice. Or bottled grape juice... DISTILLED WATER, not spring or filtered tap (it maked me ill) I drink a lot of plain PEDIA LYTE baby electrolytes does wonders when I'm sick.

Mexico is a country they tell us DON'T DRINK THE WATER, remember? And if they wash the raw veggies I'm in big trouble. And to bring fresh fruit and most food in though MEXICAN customs creates another problem. You aren't allowed too.

So? What do you think now???

[plantime]

I think I would give Dear Brother and his Bridezilla a card, say congratulations, and plan something else to do in the States for that week! I have to admit, it sounds like something my SIL would do. And my brother would let her do it!

[angel-jd1]

I have heard that when you go to another country, if you have a doctors note, that you can bring in food IF it is for a medical condition. You might check up on this.

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. Are they doing it at a resort or something? Maybe you can find out where and call the chef yourself, and bypass bridezilla.

-Jessica

[Roo]

Sillyak,

I just came across this ad on another website and thought it might help you with your trip if you decide to go. I don't even have a trip planned and I might order one. For $5.95 it seems worth it, just to hold onto for another time. I'm sure when I need it I wouldn't be able to find it.

Multilingual gluten-free Dining Cards in Six Languages

$5.95 CDN + Free Shipping

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South or Central America. Each translation has been verified by a real

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For more info and to view our other publications:

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Roo

[Guest ajlauer]

With that new detailed information.... It's not worth it! If you have that may food issues, and your brother won't accomodate - he doesn't want you there bad enough. And if he doesn't want you there bad enough, why risk your life to go? It isn't worth it! Like Plantime said, give a nice card and congrats. It's almost as if they're getting married in Neverland... you can't fly, and can't get ahold of any pixiedust! If they won't give you the pixiedust - you can't be expected to show up! If your brother wants to let his wife control things to that extent, then he has to suffer the consequences of you not attending. He'll have to live with that decision - and he'll regret it later.

You probably can't say, but I'm totally curious - what band is he a part of?

Good luck! You've been put in an awful position. I know the decision can't be an easy one for you - but I don't think you really have an option. Just my opinion.

[Maggie1956]

I agree with Ajlauer. They don't deserve to have you attend. Send them that lovely card, and have a great day at home, where you'll be safe.

Your health has to come before anything else. They'll just have to live with the consequenses of their selfish actions.

Hang in there, and never allow anyone to jeopodise your health!

[Holgate]

I have a similar problem in a couple months when I have to go to a confrence up country. I have to attend the gala dinner as my local referees secretary because it's the only real way to make contacts and get myself known to the select list referees who we would like to come down to our area and talk at some point, however there will be nothing I can eat.

I did get a bit worried about it, but I did contact the hotel hosting the event and asked them if I could bring my own food which they were more than happy with and they said they would supply me with as much fresh fruit and veg as I wanted. Most places will accomodate even if they don't understand your diet.

[debmidge]

MsSillyak screwed & first Poster about weddings, etc.

My husband's diet is similar to MsSillyak's - no veggies and other good seasonings. We turn down weddings, etc. if we aren't close enough to bride and groom to ask about what's being served, etc. (My husband is very, very underweight from Celiac and can't afford to skip meals and is on an eating schedule to make sure that he gets enough calories in a day. Being out for hours without eating will not be good for him. )

However, we turned down our last opportunity to take part in a social situation at a catering/restaurant, and unbeknownst to me, after the date went by, I found out that the place prepared gluten-free food...well, hindsight is 20/20. But the organizers of this christening party were not close enough for to us to ask them directly, i.e., can we arrange for gluten-free meal? As a matter of fact, when I called to give my "regrets" the host made us use a special phone number that recorded our "regrets" so there was no way I could speak with them even if I had known about the restaurant preparing gluten-free food.

Now this brings me to another thought....if I did call the catering place BEFORE the date and arranged a gluten-free meal, would the catering place have tacked an extra fee on the host's bill? And if the host argued his bill only to find that somehow I was responsible that would have been embarrassing. So, I suppose the only way around this is to clear it with the host first, then call the caterer and accept the extra cost, if any, yourself. This might make for an expensive experience, but that's up to you.

To the woman going to Mexico: are you living close to the site, like right over the CA or TX border? Can your brother arrange to get you a cooler with dry ice and your special foods, like salads or meats can be kept cold during the travel? Is he aware of this impasse? If this is too involving for you, then my advice is to stay home and send your regards to them. There's a certain point where you have to draw the line for yourself.

[cdford]

REMEMBER YOUR LETTER IF YOU TRAVEL OUT OF THE US!

Some countries will not allow you to bring in food items unless you also have a letter of medical necessity from your doctor. Be sure to pack them in a separate box that is clearly labelled as medical supplies with a copy of the letter inside. Not sure, but I think this info came from one of Bette Hagmann's books.