Marriage

[goldshadow]

hI THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WRITING ON THIS FORUM BUT I NEEDED TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE HAD THIS PROBLEM.

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 29 YEARS OLD WAS JUST DIAGOSED with celiac disease 1 month ago, she is getting married in june. the futURE inlaws have just made aggranements for the rehearsal din ner at a town pizzeria, that the owner said he can not do anything different for my daUghter. tHE MENU WILL BE PASTA CHIX PARM AND VEAL PARM the mother in law still wants it there cause she likes the food. I tried to be pleasant and told her it really is not her day it is my daughther;s and her finance who has also told her mother.

i have alot of things i want to do but I WANT TO BE AS PLEASANT AS I CAN. 1. SHOULD i BRING FOOD FROM HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER AND (ALSO HER MAID OF HONOR IS GLUTEN FREE) MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHOULD I NOT GO?

I KNOW i AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS DINNER BUT IT HURTS ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ANYONE BECAUSE I AM STUNNED.

[gfgypsyqueen]

Wow that's a mess. If your daughter is getting married and your daughter is 29, then your daughter is old enough to deal with this and her new family. She and her soon-to-be husband need to have a hard conversation about what they want and how this disease will be handled with his family. I wouldn't want to start a marriage with a huge fight with the in-law, but then again it wont be much of a wedding or honeymoon if she is sick from being glutened. If new mom in-law wants the dinner here or she will not pay, well then maybe the bride and groom need to cover that meal them selves or do it differently. But I would insist that she put her safety first! New MIL probably just doesn't get it or understand.

[Mom23boys]

I am assuming you are asking because your daughter has come to you.

What does soon-to-be hubby say about this?? The hubby 2b needs to get a grip on his Mom or life is going to be a nightmare for your daughter. This should be about the BRIDE and GROOM not the MIL. If the hubby 2b is not willing to back his wife 2b 100% this wedding needs to be put on HOLD!!

I say this because I have a MIL just like this. She took over my wedding reception and changed all my plans (without my permission). MIL statement was that all her people expected __ not what I had planned. The only thing I could eat was raw broccoli after she got through. I couldn't even eat my cake!! It only got worse after that! MIL has attempted to "poison" me with allergens multiple times since then by slipping allergens into foods that normally wouldn't contain them. She has tried to do the same to the kids...after all "all reactions from foods are just in our heads".

Sorry to sound so negative but life with someone who does not respect your foods issues is a constant terror. I am also in contact with some women who have experienced something similar to myself so I know I am not alone in this. You must get it nipped now.

[ravenwoodglass]

I think you have gotten some excellent advice already and I would be furious also. If the husband to be does not want to stand up to his mother the marriage is in trouble before it starts. He should tell her that the place SHE wants is unacceptable and then make reservations in a venue that is safe. The reception dinner is for the bride and groom first and formost. If she refuses to change just invite everyone to the safe restaurant and let her have her dinner by herself with just her cronies. That is really who she is thinking about anyway.

[home-based-mom]

hI THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WRITING ON THIS FORUM BUT I NEEDED TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE HAD THIS PROBLEM.

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 29 YEARS OLD WAS JUST DIAGOSED with celiac disease 1 month ago, she is getting married in june. the futURE inlaws have just made aggranements for the rehearsal din ner at a town pizzeria, that the owner said he can not do anything different for my daUghter. tHE MENU WILL BE PASTA CHIX PARM AND VEAL PARM the mother in law still wants it there cause she likes the food. I tried to be pleasant and told her it really is not her day it is my daughther;s and her finance who has also told her mother.

i have alot of things i want to do but I WANT TO BE AS PLEASANT AS I CAN. 1. SHOULD i BRING FOOD FROM HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER AND (ALSO HER MAID OF HONOR IS GLUTEN FREE) MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHOULD I NOT GO?

I KNOW i AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS DINNER BUT IT HURTS ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ANYONE BECAUSE I AM STUNNED.

You said your daughter was diagnosed a month ago. That means she is not only new to this, but has medical documentation to back it up. Try to get the doctor to provide info to the in laws - maybe even take the future MIL to an appointment. Print out a bunch of things to show the future MIL - perhaps she just doesn't "get it" yet because it is all new to her. Sometimes it takes time for some people to wrap their heads around new things. Keep trying to work with her until/unless she demonstrates that won't be one of your options.

Most engaged couples go through extensive premarital counseling. This issue HAS to come up in a session, for health reasons and relationship reasons. If your daughter and her husband-to-be are not doing this, they need to do so.

If the venue is not changed should you go? Of course - but eat first. A very powerful statement will be for you, your daughter and her maid of honor to sit there with sweet smiles on your faces, enjoying the company drinking bottled water you smuggled in for yourselves. If anyone asks why just tell them there is nothing safe at this restaurant for you to eat and you do do not want to be sick for the wedding. Then change the subject to the weather, a local sports team or some other subject that makes it clear the issue is closed. The new MIL will look foolish and selfish and everyone who matters will be able to see that.

I hope you can work this out before June!

[Guest j_mommy]

1) the inlaws need to take her disease seriously now.....if your daughter doesn't make a stand on this their view on her disease is not going to get better.

2) This is about HER wedding not theirs...she should chose a place where they can accomadate her!

I also wanted to add that my best friend is getting married soon and she is going above and beyond to make sure I have food to eat at the rehersal and wedding. If a friend can do it so can inlaws!

Her hubby should also be more forward with his parents. Even if he has already talked to them

Good Luck!

[jerseyangel]

Wow, I'm with everyone else--can your daughter's fiance stand up to his mother and firmly explain that she has a serious medical condition that makes a gluten-free diet a medical necessity?

This scenerio is going to replay itself many times over as time goes on, and it's best to deal with it now--not to mention that this is your daughter's wedding and I just can not believe how unreasonable she is being by insisting on having the dinner at a place that can't accomodate her.

If all else fails, I would eat beforehand and bring in something easy for her and her bridesmaid to eat while everyone else is eating. Definately go and have a good time--despite this thoughtless woman.

[Wonka]

[

If the venue is not changed should you go? Of course - but eat first. A very powerful statement will be for you, your daughter and her maid of honor to sit there with sweet smiles on your faces, enjoying the company drinking bottled water you smuggled in for yourselves. If anyone asks why just tell them there is nothing safe at this restaurant for you to eat and you do do not want to be sick for the wedding. Then change the subject to the weather, a local sports team or some other subject that makes it clear the issue is closed. The new MIL will look foolish and selfish and everyone who matters will be able to see that.

I totally agree with your suggestion. If they can't get the venue changed they should still go , eat first and clearly be there with no food to eat. MIL need to eat a wee bit of crow.

[Ivanna44]

hI THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WRITING ON THIS FORUM BUT I NEEDED TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE HAD THIS PROBLEM.

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 29 YEARS OLD WAS JUST DIAGOSED with celiac disease 1 month ago, she is getting married in june. the futURE inlaws have just made aggranements for the rehearsal din ner at a town pizzeria, that the owner said he can not do anything different for my daUghter. tHE MENU WILL BE PASTA CHIX PARM AND VEAL PARM the mother in law still wants it there cause she likes the food. I tried to be pleasant and told her it really is not her day it is my daughther;s and her finance who has also told her mother.

i have alot of things i want to do but I WANT TO BE AS PLEASANT AS I CAN. 1. SHOULD i BRING FOOD FROM HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER AND (ALSO HER MAID OF HONOR IS GLUTEN FREE) MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHOULD I NOT GO?

I KNOW i AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS DINNER BUT IT HURTS ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ANYONE BECAUSE I AM STUNNED.

Hi goldshadow,

Welcome to the forum too. I see this was your first posting. That's what this forum is for, support and somewhere to vent when needed. :)

I agree with home_based_mom. This is something that should definately be brought in the pre marriage counselling. This is a "forever" issue. It is a shame that the restaurant is not willing to accomindate the bride to be . I agree with "home_based_mom's" advise on smuggling in food/drink. Perhaps the owners of the restaurant will accomindate allowing the daughter and her celiac, gluten sensitive friends to make something that they can bring in to eat. Even if they have to bring in plastic plates and utensils for themselves too. The restaurant might surprise you.

But, bottom line a middle ground facility should be choosen by the Bride and Groom. Afterall it is their day.

As home_based_mom states, this mother in law to be, may not be aware of what celiac is. To her, this might be something that is minor. Perhaps if she is pointed out to the serious illnesses that can result from not remaining gluten free. One day, there will be grand-babies, and as their mom has celiac, there is a higher chance that the children can inhertiate it. I don't think MIL would want to hurt her grandbabies Nor, potentially cause her son emotionally suffering by watching his wife get sick all the time, cause mom in law, is stubborn.

Do a little twist on the game so to speak. Emphasiaze how this will "hurt" her son and her potential grandchildren. Mom's are protective its our nature. Just shift the focus to her, so it looks like she is the one concerned about potentially hurting her son, and future grand babies. It's a sneaky game, but it might work.

hugs, and congrats on the upcoming celebrations

[Megra]

hI THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WRITING ON THIS FORUM BUT I NEEDED TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE HAD THIS PROBLEM.

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 29 YEARS OLD WAS JUST DIAGOSED with celiac disease 1 month ago, she is getting married in june. the futURE inlaws have just made aggranements for the rehearsal din ner at a town pizzeria, that the owner said he can not do anything different for my daUghter. tHE MENU WILL BE PASTA CHIX PARM AND VEAL PARM the mother in law still wants it there cause she likes the food. I tried to be pleasant and told her it really is not her day it is my daughther;s and her finance who has also told her mother.

i have alot of things i want to do but I WANT TO BE AS PLEASANT AS I CAN. 1. SHOULD i BRING FOOD FROM HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER AND (ALSO HER MAID OF HONOR IS GLUTEN FREE) MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHOULD I NOT GO?

I KNOW i AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS DINNER BUT IT HURTS ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ANYONE BECAUSE I AM STUNNED.

THE BRIDE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BRING HER OWN FOOD TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER!!! You and your daughter need to find a place that will accomadate her and TELL the Monther IN Law that the venue for the

dinner is changed to XYZ resturant. If this is the way it is now before they even get married, I am afaid your daughter will have a hard time with his side of the family. I know from first hand experience with

my mother in law! I do not ask, I tell- because that is the only way that I will be able to eat and enjoy

myself! Most people have many food choices, celiacs do not.

[babysteps]

concur with everyone else - allow D or SIL-2b to (try to) educate MIL in non-judgemental tone -- they may want to practice this

eat first

go, enjoy

and wash hands after leaving restaurant to avoid cc (this comes from my own silly experience...I glutened myself in January after handling breaded chicken cutlets at an event where I did not eat - we were heating huge amounts of them for a community event)

and I suggest D and her groom 2b might want to be explicitly aware of boundaries and MIL (or is that MIL's ignorance of said boundaries). I realize the rehearsal dinner is traditionally the groom's parents to control, but this seems a bit of a yellow flag (if not a red one).

I hope you can thread the not-creating-enemies-while-preserving-self needle in this situation!

[goldshadow]

THE BRIDE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BRING HER OWN FOOD TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER!!! You and your daughter need to find a place that will accomadate her and TELL the Monther IN Law that the venue for the

dinner is changed to XYZ resturant. If this is the way it is now before they even get married, I am afaid your daughter will have a hard time with his side of the family. I know from first hand experience with

my mother in law! I do not ask, I tell- because that is the only way that I will be able to eat and enjoy

myself! Most people have many food choices, celiacs do not.

[goldshadow]

thank you to all who answered my question of rehearsal dinner I first thought i was over reacting but I know it is not me.

[WW340]

It is really the responsibility of the future MIL to provide something for the members of the wedding party that are celiac. It is not your problem to solve, it is hers. I would put it squarely back in her court.

I would just say, ok, so what arrangements are you going to make then for the ones that can't eat there, for surely you don't intend to have people sitting there unable to eat. Do you intend to bring something in for them, and will the resturant allow it? If not, how are you going to solve the problem. It will make the rest of the wedding party uncomfortable to have some people sitting there watching them eat, and not being able to participate.

She is responsible for the guests at the rehersal dinner, not you. Once she realizes she has to fiigure it out, things might change. Don't take the responsibility for that away from her. Make her tell you that the only option is to eat before the rehearsal dinner and then eat nothing there. If she has no problem saying that to your daughter, your daughter should run from this family.

I agree that this is not a good sign for the future of this couple.

[gfpaperdoll]

I would not be going to that dinner...

I would also like to point out that if your daughter does go & does not eat anything that she is highly likely to get sick anyway from breathing in the raw flour from the pizza dough that will be in the air & on everything. not fun to spend your wedding day doubled over in pain - or making an extra trip down the aisle to the bathroom...

[kbtoyssni]

Gosh, I'm hoping the reason you are dealing with this is because your daughter lives out of town and is traveling back to the hometown for the wedding. Here are your options:

1. Daughter skips rehearsal dinner.

2. Daughter goes to dinner but doesn't eat.

3. Daughter goes to dinner and brings her own food.

4. Daughter insists that venue get changed so she can enjoy her own dinner.

If it were my rehearsal dinner, I would insist on #4 (or I'd pull a #1). Sounds like you have talked to the MIL and she's not real keen on moving the dinner. NOW is the time when you have to lay down the law about food stuff. She's going to have to deal with the MIL for the rest of her life, so get this confrontation over with now. I know there's issues about keeping peace in the family, letting whoever is paying for the dinner do what they want, etc, but medical conditions have to trump that. And to whoever said pizza places are full of flour and chances for CC - I agree. I would be nervous even being in a pizza place, hugging and kissing all the relatives who have been eating gluten. I would eliminate options #2 and #3 because of this.

[Phyllis28]

There is one more option to kbtoyssni's list. Your daughter and son-in-law can skip the rehearsal dinner.

In, my opinion the future MIL, showed very bad judgement the rehearsal dinner venue. She chose it for herself and did not consider the couple being honored.

If the new MIL is not willing to accomadate your daughter, then is my opinion you daughter, with input from her future husband should make the final decision on attendence for herself.

Also, from the perspective of nearly 30 years gluten free, unless I am the one who is the special guest, I do not expect anyone else to consider my gluten free diet. I simply make the necessary arrangements to keep myself fed.

I would also suggest that if her new MIL has already ignored her gluten free diet starting with the wedding rehearsal, your daughter should consider always bringing her own food to family functions. It it is very likley that her MIL will not be careful about Cross Contamination even if she prepares a special gluten free meal.

[kbtoyssni]

I would also suggest that if her new MIL has already ignored her gluten free diet starting with the wedding rehearsal, your daughter should consider always bringing her own food to family functions. It it is very likley that her MIL will not be careful about Cross Contamination even if she prepares a special gluten free meal.

I completely agree!!! I would not trust my health to this lady if she can't even not eat pasta for one night to accomodate her soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

[Mom23boys]

I completely agree!!! I would not trust my health to this lady if she can't even not eat pasta for one night to accomodate her soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

Double agree!!

[kitten37]

I completely agree!!! I would not trust my health to this lady if she can't even not eat pasta for one night to accomodate her soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

Totally agree. My Girlfriend and my sister are getting married within a month of each other. I just found out at 26 what has been wrong with me my whole life..lol. Both my sister and girlfriend are trying to bent over backwards AGAINST my pleas to find an accommodation for me to eat even though all the planning is set in motion I don't feel that as 1 guest so much effort should be made for change I can supply plenty of food for myself (also then I am sure it's absolutely safe).

I know you don't have to love your in-laws and many don't but they shouldn't be blatantly trying to harm you. Your daughter and more importantly her future husband need to lay down the law NOW. I find it hugely unlikely that NO accommodation can be made for the BRIDE of all people. It is not an option to accommodate her it is a must.

[megsylvan2]

hI THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I AM WRITING ON THIS FORUM BUT I NEEDED TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAYBE HAD THIS PROBLEM.

MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 29 YEARS OLD WAS JUST DIAGOSED with celiac disease 1 month ago, she is getting married in june. the futURE inlaws have just made aggranements for the rehearsal din ner at a town pizzeria, that the owner said he can not do anything different for my daUghter. tHE MENU WILL BE PASTA CHIX PARM AND VEAL PARM the mother in law still wants it there cause she likes the food. I tried to be pleasant and told her it really is not her day it is my daughther;s and her finance who has also told her mother.

i have alot of things i want to do but I WANT TO BE AS PLEASANT AS I CAN. 1. SHOULD i BRING FOOD FROM HOME FOR MY DAUGHTER AND (ALSO HER MAID OF HONOR IS GLUTEN FREE) MY WHOLE FAMILY.

SHOULD I NOT GO?

I KNOW i AM NOT PAYING FOR THIS DINNER BUT IT HURTS ME THAT SOMEONE WOULD DO THIS.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ANYONE BECAUSE I AM STUNNED.

Wow, that is a sticky situation! I'd be curious as to how your daughter perceives the situation? What is her inclination as to how to handle this - or is she looking to you for advice? You've gotten some excellent responses, which I heartily agree with, and there's not much more to add.

I agree with everything everyone has already said, but I also understand the position you are in and your stated desire to keep things as pleasant as you can. Wow. I think if your daughter and fiancee do not intervene to change things AND you all still want to try to grin and bear it, AND if your daughter is not highly sensitive to cross-contamination from all the gluten in the air and from touches, hugs and kisses, then your only options are to bring in food that can be eaten or to eat before hand.

But these would be my choices of LAST RESORT. I certainly hope you will try to discuss this with your daughter and see if some of the other suggestions offered could be attempted first.

Just on the face of it - this sounds like there may possibly some loyalties/ties to the local pizza parlor? My DH is Italian, and I am lucky that I did not develop gluten intolerance when I was younger. My mil would have been hard-pressed to feed me, LOL. Everything was pizza, pasta or breaded, LOL! She loved to cook, though, and I know she would have tried, bless her heart, but it would have been a challenge for her.

Hopefully, after a little time, maybe cooler heads will prevail. Know too that this diet and lifestyle is quite an adjustment - not only for the gluten intolerant, but for the family and loved ones also. It takes a while for it all to sink in and people to learn how to deal with it and fit it into their routines. At this point your daughter probably doesn't even know how she is going to deal with this diet and lifestyle. Maybe your daughter is lucky and this will calm down and everyone will come to their senses and readjust their expectations.

Good luck!