Roommate Troubles Advice

[efriedm2]

Hi everyone,

I've found myself in the middle of a tricky roommate situation, and am wondering if anyone's dealt with something similar.

I have an internship this summer in an unfamiliar city, and the easiest way to cover housing was to go through my employer, which provides it. So I was placed in an apartment with another intern; we share a kitchen, but have our own bedrooms.

I explained my Celiac Disease on the first day, how she could have bread, etc. in the fridge, but had to be very careful and wipe up after herself if she left any crumbs on the counters or table. I also told her that she simply can't use flour. She seemed to get it, but not wanting to take any chances, I have been making things as easy as possible for her: storing all my food that doesn't need to be refrigerated in my room, doing all my cooking prep (chopping onions, etc.) in my room, and so on.

I noticed crumbs on the counters, but quietly wiped them up and didn't make a fuss, thinking I could just make sure the kitchen environment was clean even if she didn't. But two nights ago, I walked out of my room to find her with a big ol' bag of wheat flour, coating some fish.

Of course I got sick that night, and am still feeling the effects of the glutening. I talked to her about it, and she said she just didn't get the seriousness of Celiac, or really understand it at all. So today, I made her a list of foods to be careful about in the kitchen, directed her to some websites that explain Celiac AND bought her a box of rice flour as a substitute. I thought all was would be well now.

Not so. She approached me tonight, asking if she could keep her flour and use it in the hallway because the rice flour seems too complicated and she doesn't really want to learn how to cook like that. Ironically, she then said "I want to learn how to cook better this summer, so I really need the regular flour." She complained that she wanted to make cookies for her office mates, and basically that I was cramping her style.

First off, she is obviously incredibly immature. It blows me away that she finds the fact that she can't use wheat flour for the next 6 weeks of her life more distressing than its threat to my health. I am fine with her finding another place in the building to prep her food with flour and then using our oven, as long as she does it properly. But it seems that she simply doesn't get it, and won't do it properly. So, I find myself the victim of the immature, selfish person I've been assigned to live with. She is so thick that it seems like I just can't win, no matter what I say.

Anyone gone through something like this? Any advice for how to take the high road here, but also be firm and make sure her childishness doesn't trump my health issues?

Many thanks!

[Phyllis28]

If you have not already done so try comparing Celiac to a peanut allergy in terms of severity. As for "cramping her style" you might consider putting it in terms of choice. "I either cramp your style for 6 weeks or I am very sick for the next six weeks". I choose to cramp your style and maintain my health".

I have no idea if this will actually work. Hopefully others will pipe in with other ideas.

[home-based-mom]

There is a rather thorough list of what has to be cleaned in Open Original Shared Link thread. Compile the relevant cleaning chores and then tell her that she can use flour any time she wants, provided that she (NOT YOU) do all of this cleaning afterward after each time she opens the flour bag. Package deal. No skimping. No exceptions.

Her right to swing her stylish arm stops at the end of your health impacted nose.

Learning compassion and about the needs of a huge segment of the population of which she apparently is totally unaware may be the education she hadn't bargained for but is about to get!

[Mango04]

I also am in an unfamiliar city with a roommate I didn't choose to live with. She eats seitan (pure wheat gluten) and it gets everywhere. Her tofu packages drip everywhere too and I'm very allergic to soy. However, I don't feel that I have the right to tell her what she can and can't eat. That just wouldn't be fair to her. She didn't sign up to live with me, after all.

I deal with the situation by keeping all of my kitchen stuff separate from everyone else's. Keep stuff in your room if you have too. Use your own utensils, cookware and plates. Wipe down the counters with paper towels before you cook anything. If you do all of these things you really should be okay. If you truly aren't, maybe you can talk to your employer about being placed in different housing for the rest of the summer? Good luck and I hope it works out.

[melmak5]

I live full-time with two roommates. One "gets it" one doesn't.

I have realized that as much as I have tried to do to educate them, it unfortunately, is my body/diease/problem.

There are always crumbs on the counter. This is something I have to deal with. (And both of them have seen me at my worst... accidental glutening lead me to be in the ER for 6 hours when they thought I had a ruptured appendix because I was in so much pain.)

I am not sure if this is helpful, but here are my new house rules and protocols:

1. I have my own kitchen utensils, stored separately from everyone else's, all items labeled gluten-free.

2. I have my own tupperware that is labeled "gluten free"

3. House policy that states if they are going to use flour, they have to let me know (call/email) - from there I don't stay in the house when its around and know to wipe down all surfaces after... because they won't

4. I never put anything on the counter. I bought extra kitchen towels, there is always a clean kitchen towel down on the counter before I put anything on it.

5. We stopped sharing things. They have to ask me if they want some of my mustard, sugar, etc.

[Mango04]

I have realized that as much as I have tried to do to educate them, it unfortunately, is my body/diease/problem.

Well said. That's how I feel about it too.

[Guest sru_gal_8504]

i had this issue with a former roommate in my dorm room. she ate my food etc. she and i arent roommates anymore. i am with a new one. some people dont understand. if i got sick at night, she would always yell.

[home-based-mom]

Since I've been on the Missions Committee at my church, I've receiving a lot of communications from those serving in cultures very different from the Western culture we have in America. Our culture places emphasis on the individual. Other cultures place emphasis on the group. Or on society as a whole. The individual - or self - is not as important as others. It is a different way of viewing life, and makes things very interesting when missionaries try ice breakers like board games or card games because their new friends cannot grasp the concept of not letting the other players see the cards in their hands!

These are the cultures who will cook every last grain in the house to feed a guest and insist the guest eat it and be offended if the guest does not eat it, even though there is no food left for the family. To not eat what is provided is unthinkable. I think I won't be going on short-term missions trips to these places!!!

In America we wear perfume in public no matter how many people we make sick because we have our rights. In another culture it would be worn at home for one's significant other and so as not to make other people sick. You still get to do what you want and wear perfume, but the needs of others are taken into consideration.

In America we blast music as loud as we want because we have our rights. In another culture music would be blasted when no one else was around, or when wearing earphones. You still get to listen to what you want as loud as you want, but without offending others.

Anyway, people from such cultures would be horrified at the thought of efriedm2 chopping onions in a bedroom. They would do whatever it took to accommodate someone else's needs, because health is a need and cramping my style is a want. In another culture, the roommate might ask efriedm2 to "teach me your ways" instead of "your ways are cramping my style."

Have you thought of offering to do all the cooking and teach her gluten-free cooking? Who knows? Maybe this is a divinely appointed roommate arrangement because

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maybe she is destined to marry a celiac!

[purple]

Since I've been on the Missions Committee at my church, I've receiving a lot of communications from those serving in cultures very different from the Western culture we have in America. Our culture places emphasis on the individual. Other cultures place emphasis on the group. Or on society as a whole. The individual - or self - is not as important as others. It is a different way of viewing life, and makes things very interesting when missionaries try ice breakers like board games or card games because their new friends cannot grasp the concept of not letting the other players see the cards in their hands!

These are the cultures who will cook every last grain in the house to feed a guest and insist the guest eat it and be offended if the guest does not eat it, even though there is no food left for the family. To not eat what is provided is unthinkable. I think I won't be going on short-term missions trips to these places!!!

In America we wear perfume in public no matter how many people we make sick because we have our rights. In another culture it would be worn at home for one's significant other and so as not to make other people sick. You still get to do what you want and wear perfume, but the needs of others are taken into consideration.

In America we blast music as loud as we want because we have our rights. In another culture music would be blasted when no one else was around, or when wearing earphones. You still get to listen to what you want as loud as you want, but without offending others.

Anyway, people from such cultures would be horrified at the thought of efriedm2 chopping onions in a bedroom. They would do whatever it took to accommodate someone else's needs, because health is a need and cramping my style is a want. In another culture, the roommate might ask efriedm2 to "teach me your ways" instead of "your ways are cramping my style."

Have you thought of offering to do all the cooking and teach her gluten-free cooking? Who knows? Maybe this is a divinely appointed roommate arrangement because

.

.

.

.

.

maybe she is destined to marry a celiac!

Good story!! or maybe she will become one or her children. You never know why God puts us together until after the fact.

[Lockheed]

I'd just leave your roommate the inevitable medical bill and explain "this is what is caused when I encounter wheat".

[gfpaperdoll]

I would talk to the personnel person at your summer job or to your supervisor or whoever your mentor there is. They should move you. Yes, it is your problem, but you cannot be breathing in flour and getting sick from cross contamination. I do not know how you would be expected to avoid that, on your own. It is not your fault she is a ...(fill in the blank). Be sure & post the emergency numbers for her in case you pass out when you get sick from her crumbs & flour dust.

If they do not move you - are you in a city with a celiac support group? contact them & someone might have a gluten-free house where you can stay for the summer. some people might love to have a summer gluten-free house sitter while they are away at their summer house. Or they might be home but have an extra bedroom for you. You will never know unless you ask.

[efriedm2]

Thanks so much for your advice everyone! It's great just to have some support. gfpaperdoll, you're right on, all the superiors are very involved now and it looks like a move is the next step. Excellent idea about contacting the local support group, it's a long-shot, but I've asked what people in their network might have available...

I would talk to the personnel person at your summer job or to your supervisor or whoever your mentor there is. They should move you. Yes, it is your problem, but you cannot be breathing in flour and getting sick from cross contamination. I do not know how you would be expected to avoid that, on your own. It is not your fault she is a ...(fill in the blank). Be sure & post the emergency numbers for her in case you pass out when you get sick from her crumbs & flour dust.

If they do not move you - are you in a city with a celiac support group? contact them & someone might have a gluten-free house where you can stay for the summer. some people might love to have a summer gluten-free house sitter while they are away at their summer house. Or they might be home but have an extra bedroom for you. You will never know unless you ask.

[kera87]

I have four roommates so I definitely understand how you feel. They try to understand but it's impossible to force them not to bake cookies or toast a bagel (even though you'd love to!) Last year I cooked gluten-free pasta in the same pot they use, and made burgers on the same frying pan as well. Recently, I realized that it's probably hurting me to do that so I went and bought all new stuff, it takes up a lot of room but I just don't care because it makes me feel better that I'm being healthier. I even have my own sponge and hide some of our plates and bowls as my gluten-free ones haha. It's really tough but you just have to stay strong and explain that it won't be the worst if she cuts back on her wheat products for a few weeks. Or at least clean up. Maybe buy some disinfecting wipes and put them right on the counter so she will see them and be reminded. Well hope that helps, it's nice to know other people go though the same things

[debmidge]

I think the problem with this situation is that neither of you two went into this arrangement with the agreement one person's lifestyle will dominate over the other's - sort of like an arranged marriage. Your roommate is neither your friend nor your relative and only has a low level of obligation to you: being clean and courteous, fair and honest (of which would incorporate her abiding by some of the celiac rules).

To think about it, how many times does a non-celiac person run into a celiac in a normal course of a year, let alone have to live in the same apartment and share a kitchen with one? Just learning the diet rules is a hurdle - living with them can be an impossibility for the non-celiac. As much as you feel you were stuck with a "lulu" she probably feels the same way and is now probably deliberately making less of an effort to understand your issues. If you read this message board, there are a lot of posts which talk about families and spouses "not getting it," so it stands to reason that a stranger would have the same problem.

Your employer should be alerted to the level of discomfort you are having. You and your roommate have been totally and terribly mismatched. You need to "bunk" with someone who doesn't cook and eats "take-out."

[ericajones80]

Being the devil's advocate here, it can be very difficult for a non Celiac to live with a person who has Celiac's. I wish she would understand though and make the necessary changes, you're making it as easy as possible for her.