Frustrated With My Teenager

[Ursa Major]

Susie, my sixteen-year-old, has been gluten-free since December 2007....... or so I thought. She was diagnosed by Enterolab with a high malabsorption score.

Due to family and school problems, she is living during the school year with my second-oldest daughter, her husband and two children. This daughter is gluten intolerant, too, as is her two-year-old, Zoey. They are all intolerant to all dairy as well, as is Susie.

So, I thought she would be safe there. But Karen, my other daughter (who is 27 and should know better) cheats all the time and totally doesn't believe in cc. Her mother-in-law has celiac disease and was diagnosed by blood work and biopsy with totally flat villi many years ago.

Her mother-in-law cheats whenever she feels like it and 'deals with the consequences' like diarrhea, according to my son-in-law. Everybody thinks that is fine, even though I've explained to her that she is risking getting cancer.

They all ignore my warnings, and as a result, Susie thinks cheating is okay, and I am too paranoid. Just today she told me that her best friend was just diagnosed with intolerances to gluten, dairy and pineapple. Since the score for pineapple (don't know what kind of tests) was 98, and for gluten and dairy 'only' 70, this friend stopped eating pineapples 100%, but only went gluten lite.

Her doctor didn't tell her that she needs to be 100% gluten and dairy free, too. So, it seems that Susie and her friend Alyssa will eat gluten-lite whenever they are out of my sight, which drives me crazy (of course, she is home now for the summer holidays). Susie tells me that she is just fine and that eating some gluten once or twice a week is no problem.

When I tell her that it is a huge problem and try to explain to her why, she will go 'la la la' and humming and singing, "I am not listening, you can stop now!"

I feel like slapping the little brat. Which obviously will not be helpful, so I won't, of course.

I feel like I am so outnumbered that I won't be able to make myself heard. When I try on the phone to talk to Karen about it (who lives a 4 1/2 hour drive away), she tells me that she'll hang up the phone if I won't stop, because she isn't interested in knowing those things. But I need to make her understand that she is NOT keeping her little sister or her babies safe if she doesn't start caring about keeping all traces of gluten out of their food!

She feeds them Kellogg's cereals, even though I told her that they contain barley malt. She will say, "We are not that picky around here, tiny amounts like that don't matter". But she has done NO research on celiac disease whatsoever, and doesn't want to find out more.

Ugh, it just kills me. Any suggestions?

[Ronnie701]

Hi

I sympathise with you totally

I too have relatives who should know better, when it comes to the choices they make with their diets/health

They too eat what they should not and then complain and feel rotten - I've done the 'well try sticking to the diet' routine many times before but to little or no avail

But you have to remember - seriously - you can't control other people

You will see it as being helpful and caring - they will see it as bossy and controlling

Thats just what human beings are like! Especially teenagers (I have two)

My youngest daughter has been diagnoised with ADHD and should adhere to a diet too & take her medicine to boot - But we had an argument and she chose to live with her father.

He allows her to eat whatever she likes, smoke, drink, have sex and couldn't give a hoot if she has her meds or not

I, of course, disapprove completely - so I'm bossy, controlling, overbearing and just an all round rubbish mother ... according to them

But I know I'm caring, loving and kind - and of course plain old worried

Sound familiar????

Time will pay it's inevitable toll - pain, sadness and discomfort will raise their ugly heads and those on the receiving end will then want it to stop and seek the advice & help they need ... but you can't rush it

Only those who wish to get better will have the strength to do this

I hope your family and extended family realise sooner rather than later that they ought not to avoid the advise that's available.

Remember too that Peer pressure is incredibly powerful - and teenagers just want to be seen as being the same as everyone else - 'normal' Hypocits that they are of course, because we all know that they also want to be 'different'

Finally, I've eventually learned that parents are always wrong and teenagers know EVERYTHING ha ha LOL

Take care

[dandelionmom]

I completely sympathize and I'm sure that I'll be going through something similar when my daughter is old enough to rebel!

Honestly though, at her age, it is up to her what she eats (your other daughter too) and there's nothing you can do. Now that you've told them the info (and you provide them with safe food at your house), you've done the best you can. You're a good example of healthy living and they may or may not realize that. And unfortunately, you risk alienating them if you insist too much.

It is hard to keep quiet when you see a loved one doing something you don't think is safe but they're adults (or nearly) and there's just not much good you can do beyond what you've already done. Sorry!

[taweavmo3]

I think you've done all you can do really. You've laid out the facts, now it's up to them to make the change. I have family members that just won't listen to anything about Celiac, and it is very frustrating. The more I push, the more defensive they get. I've had to just let it go, b/c this diet is not possible unless the person is 100% invested in improving their health. I think for many people my age and younger, it's hard to make the change b/c we are so used to being able to get ready made food anywhere and everywhere. Plus, there's also the way food in integrated into the workplace and every social event. In order to really make the lifestyle change to be 100% gluten free, it takes a great deal of willpower and determination to make a change. Until someone is ready to do that, you are hitting a brick wall.

My hope with my family is that in time, they will be willing to change, and I'll be there to help them when they are. Until then, I just keep quiet and show by example how easy this diet can be, lol. I think that's the best I can do at this point!

[ShayFL]

I have learned that the only thing I can control is what I buy at the store and stock my house with. I cannot control what my daughter (12) eats when she is at school or with friends. I have taught her strong principles about eating healthy and she eats healthy at home.

She will make her own way and learn. For instance every year my daughter's school has a Christmas dance. 2006 she got sick and had a lousy time because she ate the food and drank the soda there (we dont buy soda at home). So this year when I picked her up she said she had a great time and that she knew to only drink water and not eat or drink the junk!! Made me feel proud that she made her own good decision without my help.

Of course I never want her to be hurt or sick, but allowing her the freedom to choose (and pay consequences if that is the case) is what make her become her own person. She is not "my person". God has just blessed me with the opportunity to love her and be loved in return.

[Ursa Major]

Thank you all for your responses. It just seems so ridiculous that Susie insists on having all those expensive gluten-free foods bought for her (which normally I don't have around, because I can't tolerate them) and then cheats when not at home. It seems like an awful waste!

And what Karen does to Zoey really gets me. That child was not doing so well before she put her on a gluten-free diet. She had blow out diarrhea five or six times a day from the time she started her on solids at seven months until she finally listened and had her tested (I paid for the testing with the money I made babysitting, because I can't stand seeing grandchildren suffer).

When she put her on the gluten-free diet after testing intolerant to all gluten grains, she finally had her first solid bowel movement since being a little baby. Zoey will get incredible temper tantrums when glutened. In fact, while still eating gluten she would have all out screaming fits several times a day. When really she is a very calm, happy child.

So, when she is glutened, she will have those tantrums. And Karen NEVER connects the two! And she gets mad at me for pointing it out. Just like telling Karen that she shouldn't be eating pizza whenever she feels like it. Or a Hamburger with the bun at McDonalds once in a while.

While they were visiting a couple of months ago Karen had the pizza on pizza day at our church. Later on she complained about having awful gas, wondering why she had that problem. I bit my tongue that time, because she would have been mad if I would have pointed out the obvious reason. She doesn't WANT to know, or she would see it herself.

I don't want to see anybody die of cancer like my mother and her mother because of undiagnosed celiac disease. Especially not my children or grandchildren. I know I won't be able to prevent that with my siblings, because they don't want to listen, either, which is sad enough.

If only Karen would care to do some research I could send her some links. But she doesn't really like computers (is she really my kid? ) and wouldn't check it out.

Oh well, I guess that all I can do is provide Susie with healthy foods and try to explain the facts to her. I know that she also cheats with eating dairy outside the house. Dairy can really make her ill, too. Sigh.

[Generic]

I know how you feel. My darn whole family is celiac including my kids. My mom and I are the only two that follow a gluten-free diet. The others choose to "ignore" their problems. I guess the botton line is, The truth hurts. So they just choose to ignore the obvious. Maybe they will come around when their problems get worse. In the meantime I have learned to shut up. It is really hard at times, believe me.

[home-based-mom]

If only Karen would care to do some research I could send her some links. But she doesn't really like computers (is she really my kid? ) and wouldn't check it out.

Would she read books? I'm finding that some people would read a book but won't do online research. You never know but what a strategically placed book (say, in the bathroom!) might just work wonders!

[purple]

Children never want to listen to their parents advice, wisdom, suggestions, rules, or whatever. Can an outside source (not a relative) talk to her about it, show a video about what it does to you, show their DH rash, etc? Something to make it click with her. Would she want to read the testimonies on this forum? How about the teenager section?

[kbtoyssni]

There's probably not a lot you can do. Which is so frustrating. It's hard to watch a family member harming themselves. The only things I can think of are to give her some information about how small amounts of CC can harm her and the long term help effects. At that point, she has all the info (from a neutral source, not from mom!) and can make her own decision. Getting her to join this site or a local support group to talk to other teens might help, but who knows if you can get her to go.

Of course, there's always consequences. I know she doesn't live with you so it's hard, but maybe there's some sort of support you can take away - like an allowance or her clothes budget or something. Hard to monitor, and it's still ultimately her decision so I don't know.

[ShayFL]

Of course, there's always consequences. I know she doesn't live with you so it's hard, but maybe there's some sort of support you can take away - like an allowance or her clothes budget or something. Hard to monitor, and it's still ultimately her decision so I don't know.

I think this would backfire big time!! Better to let her learn about life the hard way. We do our children no favors by forcing them to see things our way. It never works and all it will lead to is resentment.

[Ursa Major]

I think this would backfire big time!! Better to let her learn about life the hard way. We do our children no favors by forcing them to see things our way. It never works and all it will lead to is resentment.

Yes, I agree. And without an allowance, Karen will end up being just as frustrated, because she would have a whining teenager on her hands. And it isn't possible for me to monitor what Susie eats from here, anyway.

I wished I could give her things to read. But I know she wouldn't read them, because she simply doesn't want to know.

[gfpaperdoll]

Ursa, I know what yu are going thru. I have a 37 YO son with liver damage & a 10 YO GD that is overweight, & has lost all the enamel on her teeth & a 12 YO GS that is tiny & has issues, &... name a member of the family & fill in any number of symptoms. They are not going to listen to me & I know that now, after naively thinking that they would. ha, no, seeing my great results on a gluten-free diet means nothing to them.

my DIL did tell me about her neighbor that is gluten-free & her two girls are gluten-free & that the neighbor said that the girls had grown inches in just a few months - thank you neighbor whoever you are!!! Obviously the neighbor could see that my 12 YO grandson is the size of an 8 year old, & in fact is the same size as his 10 YO sister & 8 YO brother. But no, my DIL did not take the hint - because she already knows & chooses no action, with my son's blessings.

I have had to turn over their decisions to them. It is not hard but once you make the swing you can do it. When someone has an obvious symptom I am able to just not say anything. I just spent a weekend watching my granddaughter eat wheat & I could track every pouty cranky word to her last meal. Her mental issues are really getting worse, she cannot think at times, I suspect her school work to suffer.

& you know what I think? I think that some people like my grandmother figured out a long time ago that wheat was a problem for them & they did not say anything. They just kept it a secret. & I also think that is why it has taken so long for this disease to be out in the open, because a long time ago you did not want anyone to know if anything was wrong with you. I mean geez, you certainly could not say that your stomach was rumbling much less a word about bowel habits. Remember when if someone got cancer that the family kept it a secret? same thing.

I know it is hard, but really they all know what you think now, so it is time to give up. Being an example is the best thing that I can do. I am happy, painfree, disease free, & energetic at 61. I sure cannot say the same for the rest of my family - who cannot keep up with me!!!

I was out for the day with my DIL & my 10YO granddaughter & DIL was complaining about her feet hurting!! I had not even broken a sweat & was good for 10 more hours. ( & I have 2 metal plates & six screws in my knee)