An Attempt At Gluten Free Dating

[Erin Elaine]

Okay, so I haven't actually tried dating since I went gluten free. My fiancee and I split two weeks after my diagnosis (nice timing, right?!) and so I decided to take a major break from guys and also to spend some time learning about my new gluten free lifestyle. And a year later, I finally feel ready to give it a shot again. But, I've never done this before and I have no idea what to expect for the guys I meet. I feel like I need some stories to help out. What are your best and worst gluten free dating experiences? I need help!

[Sweetfudge]

I didn't have to deal with Celiac until after being married. So I don't know firsthand...but here's a few thoughts. Maybe they'll help.

I'd probably give any dates a heads-up about your dietary restrictions (probably no need to go into major details right off the bat), just so they're aware. Maybe come up with a little list of places you can eat at, and share with them when choosing where to eat.

If you can, make dinner for your dates, or at least do take out from places you know are safe.

Try to incorporate non-food related date activities.

Bring gum/toothbrush for your date (don't know how worried you are about kissing right after eating...I just tell hubby to chew some gum. don't know if a toothbrush would be too weird).

Good luck!!

[YoloGx]

Well--finally this works! Had trouble with the software for some reason.

The whole dating thing for me since I have gone off all trace glutens has been difficult overall. Now finally I am dating someone who has celiac which makes it way easier, even though he isn't as pure about CC as I am.

However initially back last November the guy I was dating was inadvertently making me ill due to his drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. I understand that for most people that might not be a problem, however for me it was--I am that sensitive even to highly distilled grains (even second hand!) and the smoke just topped it off. He of course just thought I was neurotic and did not really believe my health requirement. Part of this I think is because he works in a hospital and had never even heard of celiac. Plus I am pretty certain he wondered at why the big change even though he knew I had health issues I was trying to address. We ended up splitting up since he was unwilling to change his habits and I was unwilling to go back to getting CC'd all the time.

We are still friends and I know he thinks he still loves me, however obviously it doesn't extend to changing his beliefs or habits even though I got seriously ill as a result of getting CC'd by him several times and finally after recovering my general health improved enormously by avoiding trace glutens. We got back together again after a few months when he seemed to finally get it and agreed to brush his teeth and use alcohol that was gluten free. However he didn't always honor that and I would get ill. One time I caught him cheating but then forgot, and gave him a kiss and then remembered again. I took a quick glass of water and washed my mouth and spat it out in the sink after that kiss which horrified him of course. It seemed rude to him; all he could really see was his point of view. That was it for me. I now talk with him on the phone only occasionally and see him for a short visit once in a blue moon. Eventually I hope we can re-establish our friendship in a more free and easy style since we have a lot in common other than these contentious areas of health and habit.

Since then I dated a guy who is an accomplished artisan (he makes musical instruments). I informed him about the gluten thing right off the bat. At that time I was thinking about the issues of celiac all the time and even was considering writing a book about it (I still am -- but next year). He thought I was being rather obsessive, which I probably was so I tried to cool it. We soon ended up splitting up for other reasons however, more to do with the fact he is an artisan and I am an artist even though I work with clay, i.e., a variety of competitive ego male, female issues...plus old unexamined issues on his part about women in general...

After that I had had it with men for a while although I dated a younger guy for a bit off an on in a non serious way. We were and are friends but the age difference is too great even though we share common interests (we both are sculptors). For him brushing his teeth was never an issue. It even kind of turned him on when he couldn't kiss me supposing he had eaten something that had gluten in it and he didn't have a toothbrush. It was a learning curve however going out to eat. I had to learn to be firm about where we would eat and not get talked into going into some other more chancy place--or else bring along my own food.

Finally I decided to try out Match.com as a birthday present for myself. I lucked out and am dating a musician who also has a business similar to mine in the building trades. Just by chance it turns out he has celiac too so that just isn't an issue as I said above. It really is a relief to not have to worry about it. As it is I have been able to help him by turning him onto various restaurants that have a gluten free menu etc. Its also nice that given our very different arts there is enjoyment and support of each others creativity rather than the tiresome ego competition some guys get into. We are even planning to go out to a restaurant to listen to some blues tomorrow--I will be bringing along my own food whereas he will eat some of their relatively gluten free cajun food (like I said he isn't willing to be a purist as of yet). Another adventure extending the boundaries of this thing...

I think that in time as I adjust to this new life style dating a non celiac guy will become easier. I am learning a lot of it has to do with my own attitude, i.e., how good I feel about myself and how firm I am about what I need to do to be healthy in this culture as a celiac. It is important not to be obsessive, but also not to be a push-over either. I also think that if a guy can't adjust I don't want to be with him as a potential partner anyway even if we might get along otherwise.

Hope this anecdotal material is helpful in your own adventures...

Bea

[ShayFL]

Im married. But I met my husband online (Match.com) 7 years ago. If I was dating again, I would place my ad with information about my dietary restrictions. Just put it out there up front.

Dates would be "non-eating" events for "initial getting to know"....coffee....bowling....whatever you enjoy. Then pic-nics are a good idea. And of course cooking for your date. And also going to restaurants I know can cater to me once the relationship is going well.

[msmini14]

I am in the dating scene to and to be honest some people dont really understand. I am very forward and tell them I have an allergy to wheat/gluten and dont feel comfortable eating out often. I always joke around and say I am a cheap date lol, want to get coffee?

Last date I went on we went to The Outback, they do have a gluten-free menu. I did go out with someone a couple of times and he took no interest or even cared about my allergy so I stopped seeing him. I feel that if a man can not take me serious when it comes to my health he can keep on walking.

It will get better as long as you feel comfortable sharing this info, like others said you dont have to go in much detail until a later time.

[Gemini]

  Erin Elaine said:

Okay, so I haven't actually tried dating since I went gluten free. My fiancee and I split two weeks after my diagnosis (nice timing, right?!) and so I decided to take a major break from guys and also to spend some time learning about my new gluten free lifestyle. And a year later, I finally feel ready to give it a shot again. But, I've never done this before and I have no idea what to expect for the guys I meet. I feel like I need some stories to help out. What are your best and worst gluten free dating experiences? I need help!

Don't worry so much about it. If you meet someone who really likes you and cares for you, it won't matter to them and you will work out the small details as easily as someone who doesn't have Celiac. It's just food and not that difficult to manuever around.

I am married and my husband didn't even bat an eyelash about the whole thing. He actually does better at the CC sometimes than I do. He never questions my adherence to the diet because he saw how deathly ill I was. He made a point of telling me that it was no big deal and he would do whatever was required, without complaint, which he has. I know you are just starting out dating again but this is a good test right off the bat of whether you have a caring person or not. If they can't pass roster on celiac disease, then they aren't worth your time.

[purple]

  Gemini said:

Don't worry so much about it. If you meet someone who really likes you and cares for you, it won't matter to them and you will work out the small details as easily as someone who doesn't have Celiac. It's just food and not that difficult to manuever around.

I am married and my husband didn't even bat an eyelash about the whole thing. He actually does better at the CC sometimes than I do. He never questions my adherence to the diet because he saw how deathly ill I was. He made a point of telling me that it was no big deal and he would do whatever was required, without complaint, which he has. I know you are just starting out dating again but this is a good test right off the bat of whether you have a caring person or not. If they can't pass roster on celiac disease, then they aren't worth your time.

msmini14 and Gemini...I love your answers! The guy is supposed to think of the gal first, its called sacrifice not self-centeredness. If he can do that honestly and sincerely then he might be a good one. The rest...don't waste your time. Guys: the gal should be thinking about you that way too.

[Treen Bean]

I was not married when diagnosed. However, I was engaged so my experiences are different. My fiance and I just found a few restaurants where I could eat.

I agree with the other members. The man should really take care of the woman and vice versa. My husband eats gluten free at home and most times when we eat out (I like to share his food!) He has never questioned me when I ask him to brush his teeth before kissing me, etc... In fact, sometimes he remembers better than I do!

Do not get discouraged. The right man will find you and will love every little thing about you. Just do not compromise in order to make a man like you.

Good luck!

Treen Bean

[elonwy]

I agree with what everyone is saying. I personally think its a great litmus test (that and meeting my cats). People who have no respect for my needs in regard to my illness probably aren't going to have a good respect for me in other areas too, and that's unacceptable. I've dated people who tried really hard but just didn't get it, and that's different, but often not worth the hassle as well. The guy I'm dating now has just moved over to eating Gluten Free, and is even starting buy Kinnikinnick bread for himself when he's not with me because he likes the taste better. We're going to be moving in together soon and he's got absolutely no problem with the house being completely gluten free. He doesn't care enough about gluten foods to make me sick, he just wants me to be happy and well, and that's the best I could have hoped for.

As for first dates, I find that the coffee date was a good one. I liked it before gluten-free, and now its even better. Coffee is public, safe (important with internet dating, I ran into some weirdo's now and then) and can easily be either called short or extended based on how the initial reaction goes. When food comes up, just explain that you've got foods you can't eat (in whatever your favorite way is, though I tend to stay away from the word disease at first) and try to suggest alternatives. Especially if they've never heard of it you want to keep the burden off them for finding places to eat initially. We all remember how overwhelming the concept was in the beginning, its not something you want to toss at them right away. Positive response and interest is good, negative response or lack of caring... seriously not worth your time. That my 2 cents