Signicant Other Leaving You...

[Mom23boys]

I'm wondering about this, too. If you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with intimacy if your boyfriend eats gluten? I've been trying to figure this out and have so far just been avoiding the dating scene because I'm super sensitive and don't want to carry around a little travel toothbrush and Colgate in my clutch. hahaha

Jumping in here...

I am anaphylactic to shellfish -- to the point where my allergist told me not to even look at a picture of them (half joking half punctuating the seriousness).

When dating hubby I told him straight up about the seriousness and had to lay out some "rules". Even now that we are married he knows to call me for a bathrobe, he comes in the back door and puts his clothes directly in the wash and goes and showers etc. He also knows that if he desires a certain activity that he has to go to the drug store. Thankfully my DH isn't drawn to shellfish that much and is fine w/o it on most occasions.

[ShayFL]

I hope you have an epi pen handy at ALL times!

[gfp]

I have mixed feelings on this....

While if she is going to be that unsympathetic about your celiac's, you are better off without her.

This is just one example....

Its really not that simple....

People want a 'normal' life....I guess and that means being able to do lots of things you just can't do when celiac.

Much as we adapt ... it does limit what we can do... from a kiss at the end of the night to going out with a group of THEIR friends and getting a meal or even snack.

My present Girlfriend tries but I know she would not be so limited if it wasn't for my celiac.

Its not always about "the meal", its more being out and about and needing to eat but not having anywhere safe... where we could pop into a sandwich shop or McDo etc. was it not for the celiac disease.

I know this was one factor in my last girlfriend getting sick of me... it was the lack of spontaneity it enforces.. it's something my present girlfriend is trying to cope with ... but its still an issue...

Its more if her friends invite us out and she has to say no because she knows I won't be able to eat...

Its going to expensive resto's just to get a snack ...

I walked past the pub on my way to find lunch .. I could eat a meal for

[gf4lyfe]

hey everyone... i dunno what to say. i guess i just need to vent. my gluten-free of 10 months just broke up with me because she "doesnt want to deal with whatever i have"

yeah... she was a great gluten-free

i guess it was inevitable... if she left me for this it was most likely an excuse for other things. but i dunno... i thought things were going well.

has anyone else's sig other left them because of celiac? i mean... yes, she has her own problems and i can understand... but im getting no support. im depressed enough finding out that i have celiac (but thx to you ppl i already feel better), but this just sucks now.

im just venting... sorry... can anyone relate... have you found someone else? i have a hard enough time finding a gluten-free. ive only had 6 in my life (im 23), but ive broken most of them off. i just feel like every woman i meet from now on is going to take my condition into consideration. so what if we cant eat out at any restaurant, or buy regular pasta at the grocery store... id hope that theyd stay with me for me, not some medical condition. but i guess there are weak people out there and dont want to deal with real life situations.

ok... im done... thx for the vent session. take care everyone

btw.. im a 23 yr old, single, 6 ft tall, brown hair, intranet admin for a big company... any takers

thx again

-pete

Well let me just say you don't have to find another gluten free person to date, usually people are fine with dealing with it. my boy friend knew i had it and when ever he wants to go out he just calls ahead or makes what he wants at home but makes it gluten free. if some one leaves you because of the celiac they must be pretty low... honestly it barely affects them.. they just can't put gluten in your food or kiss you if they've been eating alot of gluten.

good luck finding someone !

~Laura

[ShayFL]

It is true. Everyone wants a "normal" life! I want one!!!!

But everyone wants to love/be loved as well. And let's face it, real love, is harder to find than a gluten-free meal. I would stay with my DH regardless of his limitations. We love each other in a very profound way that goes beyond convenience. Once that kind of love is found, then there will be no more worries or questions. It does happen.

Dating is tough though! Tougher than getting dx after you are married. So I do feel for those in that position. I suppose one could seek out dating sites and others with food issues.

We have found in our circle of friends that food issues are SO COMMON. We are having a dinner party this weekend. And on the invite, it states clearly "If you have any dietary requirements, please inform us so that we can prepare a meal that everyone can enjoy." We do this because:

Katie is a vegetarian

Mike is deathly allergic to chicken

Tamara is Kosher

Matt is allergic to nuts

This is our dinner party. Everyone has some issue. It is no big deal. We are making pot roast with roasted veggies separate from the meat. Plus some beans for Katie. Chips/salsa/guac for appetizers. The important thing is friendship. That is why we are getting together. To laugh and enjoy ourselves. The food is just there.

[Calicoe]

Oh, man, I can't even deal with dating right now. I am currently trying to cope with the fact that the lipstick I wore last night may have made me sick today. And over the previous year, I was to sick and diseased to even consider it.

Now I have to worry about kissing people who have drank or eaten gluten; this completely sucks.

[dandelionmom]

I just want to add to the positive stories! My husband has dealt with several years of me having mystery ailments and 2 years of our daughter being sick before we were diagnosed. Our diagnosis was a relief to him and he's thrown himself into finding good restaurants, new recipes, and keeping us healthy.

The person meant for you is out there and celiac won't bother her.

As for dating, find a safe restaurant near you and several fun, non-food activities and suggest those while mentioning that they're the best places for you because they're gluten-free friendly.

[elonwy]

Ahh yeah. Dating. I was with a wonderful guy when I got diagnosed. He helped me through the sickness, the getting better, the learning how to cope. We were together 2.5 years and then he told me he didn't want to have kids with me cause of Celiac. He didn't want to have to deal with that in his kids. ...... Not anything a woman ever wants to hear.

I had to break up with one guy who wouldn't stop eating gluten constantly. I got to the point where I didn't want to touch him. Another guy got diagnosed with Celiac after we started dating but wouldn't stop eating gluten. I broke up with him cause I didn't want that mind-set in my life.

Now.. now I'm dating a guy who's completely understanding about it. He won't eat gluten around me cause he doesn't want to miss and chance to kiss me. He brushes his teeth constantly just in case. He worries about me when my tummy hurts. He scouts out gluten free things for me at the market. I am more important to him that whether or not he can eat a sandwich. I will settle for nothing less. Neither should you.

[TheMinsterman]

Anyone who dumps you for being too ill isn't worth the time, let me tell you this now.

My girlfriend finds it hard not seeing me much, but the fact is she will have to cope, I have been hit quite badly these past few monthes and it certainly isn't my desire to feel like this, I'd love to see her especially as she goes to Thailand for 20 days on Friday, then straight down to cornwall to work for summer when she gets back!

Seriously though, anyone who can't handle you been ill isn't worth bothering with. Its hardly your fault.

[gfp]

Anyone who dumps you for being too ill isn't worth the time, let me tell you this now.

My girlfriend finds it hard not seeing me much, but the fact is she will have to cope, I have been hit quite badly these past few monthes and it certainly isn't my desire to feel like this, I'd love to see her especially as she goes to Thailand for 20 days on Friday, then straight down to cornwall to work for summer when she gets back!

Seriously though, anyone who can't handle you been ill isn't worth bothering with. Its hardly your fault.

Its not about faults .. its a question of the future...

If you are dating and you and your partner are getting more serious .. then people start to think about the future... will they forever not be able to go to resto's.?? Will they forever not be able to share a snack on a day out... etc. etc.

Its easy for them to deal with at a superficial level ... and its not so hard for those already in commited relationships.. but it is a real thing for a partner to consider in the inbetween phase...

It doesn't mean they blame you or think its your fault... its just they may have been considering a different life than always having to cope wit5h a partner who can't eat out .. (without a lot of planning).

[C6H0 KKG]

Pete -

This same thing happened to me when I was diagnosed - the guy I had been dating for two years kept pressuring me to ignore the diagnosis because it was "too complicated." It was a constant source of strife because he didn't respect my needs or condition, and we went our separate ways.

Now, I see this as a silver lining to the disease. I have a quick way to test my compatibility with potential love interests. Are they ok with ordering off a restricted menu at PG Changs? Or do they freak out because I can't drink beer? Its a shortcut to seeing how reliable they will be with these issues in the future, because being with someone who sabotages your health isn't really an option.

Good luck!

[ShayFL]

I think it is perfectly normal and o.k. to be selective in the early dating phase. Im talking a few dates. I have done it myself. Somewhere around 7 years ago when I was single, I dated a perfectly lovely man that had a bad back. I was a fitness instructor at the time and very active. I didnt let it go past 2 dates and then gave the friends speech.

But it is a different matter once you are serious or married. You expect that the person loves you and is in it for better or worse. If you are not married yet and they are not supportive, that will not change with a wedding ban. Might as well find a way out IMO. If you are married and they are not supportive, counseling is in order at a minimum. And there are choices there too....we are never trapped!

[bakingbarb]

I have to say this thread has stunned me a bit. Originally I was worried about how the man in my life would react but he loves me so he takes care of me. He isn't as careful as I would like with bread crumbs but he tries very hard and he cautions me about food all the time. He doesn't want me sick.

I will say that I can see people not being understanding, I have run into that. People that are supposed to be your friends not caring.

Lets face it there are people out there that are just not quality to the bone.

BUT and this is the biggest but of em all.....I firmly believe that what goes around comes around. Those people that are stupid enough to not love you totally for who you are are not quality to the bone. How freakin shallow, don't mourn them leaving, celebrate through the pain.

Because tell me please when these people have something come into their lives, an illness, a car accident, what ever it may be something comes into everyones life that makes life not so pretty.....what happens then? Do they disown themselves because they are no longer perfect? Everyone gets old, what happens then? I am amazed at how short sighted people are. Life changes and they will age and what comes with age?

Sorry but this puts me on my own personal bandwagon. What fools.

[jparsick84]

2 important points have been made here:

1) that the early 20s-early 30s is a selfish age, with friends, significant others, or anyone

It's so true. So many of my "friends" want to go out late to beer bars, or go for pizza - the other night, I left them early because they wanted to go to Waffle House, and despite my telling them that that restaurant wouldn't work for me (not only b/c of too much CC worries, but also because I loved waffles and it hurts too much to watch others eating them), they didn't want to try to find another place in the area. They said I could just not eat - after glaring at them, and saying "Sure, why don't you not eat either? It'll be a group fast!" I asked to be dropped off at my place. There were a few muttered "wow, way to be over-dramatic". As I got out, I said "Enjoy your poison" and slammed the door. (Not the most mature, I'll admit, but I was hungry, a little tired, and somewhat drunk).

2) It's the lack of spontaneity that most people can't handle

Just being able to go shopping for the whole day and grabbing a pretzel at the mall - we just can't do that anymore. And I'm one of those people who get hungry ALL the time, so at least I carry food with me. But meeting someone at a bar then going out for a late-night pizza...can't do it. And how many people say that spontaneity is one of the things they look for in a partner?

I dunno, I'm just really down at the moment. It's REALLY hard for me to meet guys, b/c I'm in grad school (where all the classes are online), I have an internship at the public library (which is 99% married people), and I work part-time at my grad school library (which is all women). I'm just not sure how to go about meeting new guys, because I don't actually like going to bars (it's too loud to have a good conversation), I don't drink coffee, so I don't like hanging out at Starbucks, I can't even join any on-campus activities because they are all at night when I have class, and church is all undergrads, who are not ready to date. If anyone has any helpful hints...

[LuvMoosic4life]

I've never had this happen, but its funny that people I thought were good friends starting moving farther away from me with this. There was actually this one guy who was pretty much crazy about me (I wasnt about him and never hooked up) but once I found out I was gluten intolerant I told him about it b/c he ask me out for some beers. I told him how I get sick and he slowly backed away thinking I am this sick girl that needs to be fed baby food through an eye dropper- HE REALLY TOLD ME THAT!!!!!!

[gfp]

I think it is perfectly normal and o.k. to be selective in the early dating phase. Im talking a few dates. I have done it myself. Somewhere around 7 years ago when I was single, I dated a perfectly lovely man that had a bad back. I was a fitness instructor at the time and very active. I didnt let it go past 2 dates and then gave the friends speech.

But it is a different matter once you are serious or married. You expect that the person loves you and is in it for better or worse. If you are not married yet and they are not supportive, that will not change with a wedding ban. Might as well find a way out IMO. If you are married and they are not supportive, counseling is in order at a minimum. And there are choices there too....we are never trapped!

Well said, Respect... I'm sure quite a few of the people who are saying how bad this is have done the same thing,perhaps not over an illness but over something else.

When people are dating they are testing the waters, seeing if they can spend the rest of their life with that person... if they find one thing that they feel will annoy them or they won't get over or just something that means the relationship will not be what they are looking for in a relationship then is this not the correct thing to do?

How many guys get dumped because they don't have the latest car? A high enough salary or a cool enough job? Yet all of these things can and do change...

When I was 21 I was earning