Relationships, Celiac, And Compromise

[flutterby]

So I've been gluten-free for about 2 years now, and I also have problems with low blood-sugar so I have to eat fairly frequently. But I'm really having a hard time coping. My friends at first were super good and helpful, so in a way I kind of got used to having people help me out when there was nothing I could eat and was feeling icky and lightheaded because of it. In a way I got dependent on that.

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together, and this has brought up a whole load of problems related to food. I do most of the cooking, because he "doesn't know what I can eat." We also have issues because when it's lunchtime I NEED to eat or else I get lightheaded and he can wait all he wants. And then there's times when, god forbid, there's no food in the house. And when I say "Hey let's go buy food so we can have lunch because I'm feeling lightheaded" and the response I get is "I'm doing something right now and besides that's not a problem for me because I just bought all this junk food at the corner store that you can't eat."

I've suggested making menus together so that we can be sure to always have something to eat in the house, but he isn't up for that. He suggested that I make a bunch of food I CAN eat and freeze it for emergencies, which is a pretty good idea.

I know that I need to learn to deal with my own condition, but it's really hard to be having to think at every moment what I'm going to eat and how I will make sure I eat before my bloodsugar drops and I turn into a hungry, irritable monster. It's nice to have some help sometimes. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't feel supported, and doesn't feel like I'm independent enough. I keep reading about wonderfully supportive husbands and wives who go gluten free themselves, but in this case I don't think that's going to happen.

Obviously we need to have some kind of compromise ... any ideas????????

[ravenwoodglass]

Can you make sure that there is always something to grab when that lightheaded feeling hits? Perhaps keeping some pnut butter, or other nut butter and some gluten-free pretzels or crackers always in the cupboard might help. That way you know if he wants to wait a bit that there is something easy to grab to fight the BS issues. His idea of cooking ahead and freezing stuff is a good one. Another thing you might want to try is making cooking a shared activity. Some of the best conversations we can have with our loved ones can be the ones where one is at the stove and the other is cutting up veggies for a salad.

I do hope you guys can come to some sort of a compromise, you are a couple and neither of you should have to do all the kitchen chores on your own. If he is used to having someone else wait on him and provide him with his meals, or used to doing things on his own you may need to stress that you are not his mom or his roommate you are his lover and partner and that you are in this together and he needs to treat you like you are.

[kareng]

If you can eat them, I get the little bags of planters peanuts and keep them in the house, my purse, car,etc. I usually get them at a Quick Trip type store. I think you also just have to fix food when you need it and he can re-heat later.

[conniebky]

If you can eat them, I get the little bags of planters peanuts and keep them in the house, my purse, car,etc. I usually get them at a Quick Trip type store. I think you also just have to fix food when you need it and he can re-heat later.

That's what I do. I was tested for hypoglycemia. The took blood from me 17 times after I drank that orange stuff. My sugar levels were insane. Always keep protein on hand. Peanut butter works best for me. And I don't care who thinks I'm weird cuz I carry a jar of PB in my purse and also a spoon. It works. I lost four molars and can't chew up peanuts.

I heard that was also a result of gluten problems - the teeth. I have excellent dental insurance now and won't go to the dentist/oral surgeon because I'm too embarrassed for anyone to look at my back teeth.

Always have something with protein on hand - it really really helps.

[lucia]

I'm the same way as you. I get very grumpy (VERY grumpy, although I don't like to admit it) when I'm hungry. And I'm hungry a lot more than other people. Most of the time, I'm pretty relaxed, so this is out of character. My husband (first my boyfriend) didn't understand it at first. Since it wasn't his reality, he just didn't get it. He would get frustrated with me instead. Then, I would get upset with him for being frustrated at me. Vicious cycle.

Luckily, people do begin to understand each other after awhile. It took a long time for my husband to get my issues with food, but now, he tries to practice risk management. He's the one that reminds me that I need to make sure that I have food. He actually recognizes when I'm grumpy, and will suggest that I need to eat. He will argue with me until I have something, and of course, then I'll feel better. Then, I laugh at how stubborn and silly I am sometimes.

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be supportive in his own way. Which is usually how people work.

My husband did suggest that he could go gluten-free when I realized what my issues were, but I think it was a practical issue for him. When I'm sick from being glutened, I'm not going to be able to go biking with him or clean the bathroom. That and he loves me and doesn't want to see me sick.

In any case, moving in with someone is not easy. My now-husband and I had quite a few fights at that stage. My very wise godmother who has a great marriage herself always says that I need to remember that a good relationship includes fighting. You have to kind-of get things settled.

[amanda2610]

you def have to take care of your self but his attitude seems a little cold to me. if he cares about you he should want to help. if i were you i'd sit him down and both of you talk out your sides of the problem and try to come to some kind of understanding. you should have food on hand for emergencies but he should also be there for you when you need his help. thats what relationships are about being able to help each other out.

[rnbwdiva]

So I've been gluten-free for about 2 years now, and I also have problems with low blood-sugar so I have to eat fairly frequently. But I'm really having a hard time coping. My friends at first were super good and helpful, so in a way I kind of got used to having people help me out when there was nothing I could eat and was feeling icky and lightheaded because of it. In a way I got dependent on that.

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together, and this has brought up a whole load of problems related to food. I do most of the cooking, because he "doesn't know what I can eat." We also have issues because when it's lunchtime I NEED to eat or else I get lightheaded and he can wait all he wants. And then there's times when, god forbid, there's no food in the house. And when I say "Hey let's go buy food so we can have lunch because I'm feeling lightheaded" and the response I get is "I'm doing something right now and besides that's not a problem for me because I just bought all this junk food at the corner store that you can't eat."

I've suggested making menus together so that we can be sure to always have something to eat in the house, but he isn't up for that. He suggested that I make a bunch of food I CAN eat and freeze it for emergencies, which is a pretty good idea.

I know that I need to learn to deal with my own condition, but it's really hard to be having to think at every moment what I'm going to eat and how I will make sure I eat before my bloodsugar drops and I turn into a hungry, irritable monster. It's nice to have some help sometimes. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't feel supported, and doesn't feel like I'm independent enough. I keep reading about wonderfully supportive husbands and wives who go gluten free themselves, but in this case I don't think that's going to happen.

Obviously we need to have some kind of compromise ... any ideas????????

While it does sound from what you write that your bf is lacking in compassion, I thought I would respond to the things I think you, yourself, might consider doing differently, since that is the only part of this you really have control over.

First, I would say that you (singular, not plural) need to sit down and make a list of foods you can have on standby for when you need something to eat (all kinds of nuts, dried fruits, etc), and then you need to stock a cabinet with your emergency food. Your need to eat does not have to become a meal for both of you, nor does meal planning or a trip to the grocery store need to include both of you.

This brings me to the second part. He seems, from what you wrote, really uninterested in the planning and preparation of your (plural) meals. So do it all yourself and the way you want it, and let the time you have together be something you both enjoy. If you feel upset because you don't want to do all of the cooking, then consider being clear and direct and providing him with everything he needs to successfully and safely cook for you. (An example might be that you have a favorite thing for breakfast. One evening, when you are both very happy with one another, you could tell him that your big wish is that every Sat morning, he make this breakfast for you, and that you will do it with him the first couple of times so he doesn't worry about getting you sick. Or, if you have a simple dish that the two of you like for dinner, you could ask him to cook it with you a couple of times and then ask him to cook it one night a week.)

As you probably remember, going to the grocery store for someone with celiac disease is very, very difficult, and the ingredients listed are neither complete nor straight forward. Do the shopping yourself. How would both of you feel if you pressured him to shop and he returned with things you could not eat. Or, heaven forbid, he shopped and cooked for you and made you sick. It is not just a lack of attention that causes this. Most of us did it to ourselves repeatedly on accident in the beginning.

A bit of optimism for you: I used to hate cooking, and my husband did most of it. Now, he is too frustrated to cook for me and I am starting to truly enjoy the focused and quiet time when I prepare a meal. The situation, and time, have completely changed my attitude, and while I wish he had just stepped up to the plate and revised his cooking to accommodate my needs, I also know that I have no control over that and wasting energy wishing he were different would not solve anything and it would make me bitter. Much better to do all of the cooking myself and focus on ways to make me happy and healthy.

Good luck!

[Looking for answers]

Hi,

I used to have the same problem as you, but I'm much better now (we'll get to more of that in a minute). I think what may frustrate your boyfriend and those around you is that you know this is a problem yet you aren't ensuring you have food on you. It's not only a little dangerous for you but it's ovewhelming to have to rush to find someone something to eat in those situations....especially when you're "out and about" and there's nothing gluten-free to eat. I became used to packing food with me. Matter of fact, I'm on vacation right now (husband is asleep still) and I'm eating gluten-free food I packed and brought with me. I know two things: I like to eat right when I get up and he doesn't...and when we go golfing he can eat at the cafes and I can't. Since we're on a golf vacation, I brought a large bag of groceries with us and rented a refrigerator.

About the relationship, one thing I've learned from a very good marrital couselor friend of mine is that men are problem solvers. You must tell them exactly what you want them to do. I think you should assume the majority of the time that you'll have to take care of the problem yourself....it's just the way it goes. But you will need help from time to time and you'll need to ask him specifically what you need.

It's funny I had the same situation as you and my sister has it still very bad. Whenever her and I are out and about and her blood sugar plummets and she starts talking about needing food ASAP, I find myself a little annoyed...why didn't she come prepared, I think to myself. Here, I should be the most compassionate and understanding person, but I'm human and don't always act the way I should.

The goods news like I mentioned above is that my blood sugar levels are much more stable now. If you have a good naturopath/holistic doctor around I strongly encourage you to have him or her test you for adrenal fatigue. Adrenals commonly get "worn out" from dealing with gluten intolerances and other food allergies because of the stress they place on our body. I used to be so shaky and my blood sugar would swing so badly. He treated me for 6 months for adrenal fatigue and I do not have this problems any longer. I also don't get dizzy when I stand up too quickly (adrenals affect your electrolites) and my female issues are SOOO much better now (it also regulates all hormones). Something to think about....

Remember, you'll find that most people are not going to be concerned or as helpful as you wish they would. This doesn't mean they don't love or care about you. It's mostly just part of the human condition. Be sure to praise him when he does help and ask him specifically for the things you really need to have help with. I have no doubt he'll come through for you.

[Looking for answers]

And I don't care who thinks I'm weird cuz I carry a jar of PB in my purse and also a spoon.

Always have something with protein on hand - it really really helps.

I do the same! LOL!

[kareng]

I do the same! LOL!

I found little packets of PB and almond butter at WF. Pricey but lighter than a jar of PB. Skippy used to make little squeeze packs, too (don't know the gluten-free status - is it the same pb or not?). You would need to check the label. There are gluten-free "granola type" bars or protein bars whcich would be easy to keep in purse or car.

[flutterby]

I found little packets of PB and almond butter at WF. Pricey but lighter than a jar of PB. Skippy used to make little squeeze packs, too (don't know the gluten-free status - is it the same pb or not?). You would need to check the label. There are gluten-free "granola type" bars or protein bars whcich would be easy to keep in purse or car.

Thanks for the replies. One of the problems is that I live in Central America peanut butter is really expensive here. And gluten free bars don't exist!

[flutterby]

The goods news like I mentioned above is that my blood sugar levels are much more stable now. If you have a good naturopath/holistic doctor around I strongly encourage you to have him or her test you for adrenal fatigue.

I'll look into that, thanks!

[kareng]

Thanks for the replies. One of the problems is that I live in Central America peanut butter is really expensive here. And gluten free bars don't exist!

Can you get nuts or seeds that you can keep on hand? Dried fruit? When you open the last bag, you put it on the grocery list. You don't wait until you are out. Have you looked into ordering a few things from Amazon or here? Shipping might be expensive but might be worth it for a few things.

[kayo]

Nuts, fruit, gluten-free pretzels, larabars, m&m (are they gluten-free?) - all great to keep on hand. I have snacks all over the place. Purse, car, work. Though since changing my diet I rarely have plummeting blood sugars any more. You could also carry string cheese, laughing cow cheese, yogurt. I don't eat dairy anymore but those were staples when I did. Since some of these items may be tough for you to find how about placing an order at a m a z o n ?

[psawyer]

M&Ms are gluten-free.