How Often Do You Cheat?

[bigbird16]

An affair with a crumb would send me to the bathroom floor for at least a day and make me a complete b**** to be around for days after, so no cheating here (nor with dairy and soy). There are plenty of great alternatives for gluten-filled comfort foods--Namaste chocolate cake mix with fudge icing, Dr. Praeger's fish sticks, Ian's chicken nuggets, Bob's Red Mill Mighty Tasty hot cereal, Glutino pretzels, Larabars, and so much more.

Sandsurfgirl, Ian's makes awesome onion rings and tatertots (in the shape of letters! fun!). I've found them at Wegman's and Whole Foods. The onion rings do contain corn, for those who are sensitive to that. Usually I make my own with a little Old Bay seasoning in the batter. Mmmmmmm! But for when I don't feel like slicing and mixing and dipping, the Ian's rings are a yummy quick fix.

[IrishHeart]

One more thought....every time she "cheats" she is causing cognitive issues. It affected my brain in ways I never thought possible. It happened slowly and insidiously, but I felt the "changes" occurring. It was how I knew something was wrong with me besides what the docs termed "irritable bowel" and "stress". She may not be thinking rationally--or she appears to be irresponsible-- because frankly, her ability to make decisions is impaired. At times, I felt overwhelmed, irritable, anxious, forgetful, defensive, angry, easily distracted, unable to process new information and indecisive when I was very ill with this. I was unable to do simple tasks without having to FOCUS and I made mistakes balancing a checkbook, for pete's sake....I simply "wasn't me" for a while. None of those qualities are my usual personality at all! That's how I KNEW something was wrong. I held on to my sanity, researching my symptoms until I figured it out.

This could be what's happened to her.

Someone on here said it best...gluten is like Kryptonite....and Supergirl can't fly when kryptonite is around.

The difficult part for you is...trying to convince her that gluten is causing the problem may not even make sense to her if she can't process the information properly. One husband on here told us his wife was so irritated with him and crying because he wouldn't get her gluten-filled KitKats anymore. Make sense? Nope.

Try to get her to read this link, if nothing else. Good luck, hon. I feel for you--for both of you!

[steve-010]

Thank you all again for all of the responses. I knew I was in the right place to seek advice

It is VERY tough for me to convince her. Since she doesn't have excessive symptoms on the outside, she most likely feels as though it's ok to eat it every once in awhile because she can't see the effects.

She enjoys a certain brand of angel food cake that is obviously not gluten free but it's either very low in it or there is something else that just doesn't cause her to show symptoms. I want to smack it out of her hand but I just stand there and do nothing when she says, "Don't even say a word!"

Relationships are built off of trust and I'm not sure that I could trust her if she doesn't respect herself enough to be safe.

This is a bad weekend to really talk to her about things. It will have to wait until next week...

[IrishHeart]

Thank you all again for all of the responses. I knew I was in the right place to seek advice

It is VERY tough for me to convince her. Since she doesn't have excessive symptoms on the outside, she most likely feels as though it's ok to eat it every once in awhile because she can't see the effects.

She enjoys a certain brand of angel food cake that is obviously not gluten free but it's either very low in it or there is something else that just doesn't cause her to show symptoms. I want to smack it out of her hand but I just stand there and do nothing when she says, "Don't even say a word!"

Relationships are built off of trust and I'm not sure that I could trust her if she doesn't respect herself enough to be safe.

This is a bad weekend to really talk to her about things. It will have to wait until next week...

This will be your life, then.

She will continue on this path, unwilling to accept that celiac has "silent symptoms" as well... and YOU will be so unhappy. And she will decline in health.

As much as you care for her, Steve....it is like dealing with an alcoholic. No one can take the drink (or the angel food cake) out of her hand.

She has to give a crap enough about herself to take care of herself. And that lack of self-esteem and self-worth? Also a symptom of celiac disease that results from vitamin deficiencies and malabsorption.

Here's a link to over 300 symptoms of celiac disease. Read it and see what else is in store.

Open Original Shared Link

Good luck, hon. You're a good guy!

[Korwyn]

It was how I knew something was wrong with me besides what the docs termed "irritable bowel" and "stress". She may not be thinking rationally--or she appears to be irresponsible-- because frankly, her ability to make decisions is impaired. At times, I felt overwhelmed, irritable, anxious, forgetful, defensive, angry, easily distracted, unable to process new information and indecisive when I was very ill with this. I was unable to do simple tasks without having to FOCUS and I made mistakes balancing a checkbook, for pete's sake....I simply "wasn't me" for a while. None of those qualities are my usual personality at all! That's how I KNEW something was wrong. I held on to my sanity, researching my symptoms until I figured it out.

Stress.... Grrr....when I was 20 I went to the Dr. with chest pains symptomatic of possible heart condition. I was in good shape physically, well conditioned, etc. I worked a lot of hours though (two jobs) and drank a lot of coffee. I mean a lot. Like I'd finish an entire pot between 0430 and 0600. Then I'd finish another half a pot in two hours. And I'd drink coffee all day long till bedtime. So after wearing a Holter monitor for a weekend, they concluded it was all stress related and took me off all caffine. Jump forward 15 years and I started having them again. Bad. Sharp stabbing pains radiating up into the jaw, down the arm that would cause me to have to stop whatever I was doing and sit down. Guess what the diagnosis was? Stress! Combined with IBS! But guess what? The SAME DAY I went gluten-free was the VERY LAST DAY I ever had one of those chest pains! That was a little over two years ago. Go figure.

I still haven't recovered all my mental faculties. I have many more good days than bad, but it is still frustrating. They are slowly recovering but it is so frustrating. And the worst part is that most of it happened so gradually. Up until 5 years before my diagnosis it was a slow, almost unnoticeable downward trend. Then I had a particularly stressful event and *WHAM*. I went into an accelerating snowball downhill, and in less than five years I was at a point where I was pretty sure I was dying and while I was sad for my wife and kids, I just wanted it to be over.

So IH is right. If you can print out some of these posts and get her to read them, perhaps that will help. I hope and pray so for her sake as much as yours.

[Gemini]

She is crazy. I would NEVER cheat. I live in fear of crumbs. Crumbs give me anxiety attacks. My son has celiac, but husband and DD do not. Whole house went gluten free because crumbs were ruining my life. Residue ruins my life. I recently licked envelopes that must have been made of wheat starch as they sometimes are and I ended up with such bad diarrhea I couldn't attend my sister's graduation from college that afternoon.

The envelope issue is another Celiac myth....envelopes do not contain wheat. There was a recent article detailing safe foods and some non-food items like this which should never worry Celiacs and I will find it and post a link. The envelope issue was one of the top Celiac myths in this article. It's not something we need to worry about at all.

[Gemini]

The envelope issue is another Celiac myth....envelopes do not contain wheat. There was a recent article detailing safe foods and some non-food items like this which should never worry Celiacs and I will find it and post a link. The envelope issue was one of the top Celiac myths in this article. It's not something we need to worry about at all.

Open Original Shared Link

[alex11602]

As for the question of would I cheat, the answer is not ever and I would never allow my two girls to cheat either. I will say though that I have had symptoms since I was at least an early teen, maybe longer but I can't remember because I got so used to not feeling well. I do remember not feeling well through high school, but just going on feeling sick because it was normal. Then I had my first daughter at 18 and things got worse and then they became the new normal, the same thing happened when I had my second daughter at 21. My daughter was sick since the day she was born and we still went along eating gluten because we didn't know and even her runny diapers 9 times a day became normal for us. It wasn't til I lost my job that things really progressed and my children barely had a mother because I was feeling so sick. At that time being normal became me laying on the couch trying hard not to get sick, I also got very depressed and anxious because of how I was feeling, when my husband would suggest trying to stop eating so much pasta I almost bit his head off. Looking back it was almost like an addiction and a comfort to me to have that pasta every night. Finally through my own research and then talking to the doctor my girls and I were diagnosed with Celiac disease and are finally living almost a normal life, for example I can actually take my girls outside to play now. And as far as if you were to have children and your children ended up having Celiac, like I said we dealt with around 9 runny diapers a day, a daughter who screamed all the time (She was in alot of pain.), she didn't grow like she should have (She didn't grow from 2 months to 9 months at all and very little from 9 months to 15 months.), and she wasn't able to say any words. We got lucky with my older daughter and her main symptom was eczema. But fast forward about two months and my older daughter is happier, no new scars from scratching so much, and my youngest is having normal diapers, she is a happy toddler and she is beginning to talk.

What I am trying to say is that it is possible that she is not feeling well but it has become normal for her and either way the gluten is addicting and can be very comforting. But whatever the reason, her health can dramatically change overnight if she keeps going the way she is. I wish both of you the best of luck.

[weluvgators]

I know of an asymptomatic celiac that was picked up through family screening due to sibling diagnosis of celiac. He doesn't always follow a gluten free diet, and it doesn't really phase him. There are low level symptoms that are probably a result of gluten, but they are his "normal" way of being. I kind of understand where he is with his diagnosis. . . I mean, he would be eating "normally", if not for his brother's problems. And if one is asymptomatic, why would they be seeking out help and tales of people with debilitating symptoms of gluten exposure? I can understand wanting to bury your head in the sand.

I was asymptomatic when I went gluten free, and it can be hard when there are no definitive "reasons" (especially immediate, painful, chronic "reasons") to be more gluten free. One of my issues with consuming gluten is that I enjoy more bold headed, assertive and risky actions. It seems very much like alcoholism in many ways. I eventually had to be super duper gluten free for my nursing child, and only after an extended time of being diligently gluten free (for someone else, mind you, which made it somehow easier for me) was I able to begin to understand the ramifications of gluten exposure in myself. Of course, after a lengthy, diligent gluten free diet was implemented, I was no longer "asymptomatic". As long as I continued "cheating" on a gluten free diet, I continued to be "relatively asymptomatic".

Good luck working through these issues with her. They are very complex, and I applaud you for the steps that you have taken!

[Lima Bean]

I never eat poison on purpose! Only people with real bad mental issues would. Even most mentally ill people wouldn't.

[IrishHeart]

seriously....I have begun to wonder how many supposedly "mentally ill" people are not just ill from years of celiac--silent or otherwise

[Poppi]

Cheat? Never.

Even if we eat out I research the restaurant before, call ahead and talk to manager and/or chef and double check whether they really understand before I order and eat my food. I also only eat out once every other month or so and do it when I don't have anything really important for at least a few days after in case I get sick from cc. Gluten is no joke. I have to take it seriously.

As far as cheating on purpose? I can't imagine a situation where I would do that. Honestly. I've even debated with myself what I would do in a survival situation where the only available food is gluten-containing. Eating it would make me so sick that I'd probably die faster than I would starve to death.

[angel9165]

Never! I feel soooo much better now (diagnosed last year) that I would never cheat for fear I'd feel terrible again (I was initially diagnosed w/ IBS 20 years ago). Hopefully, she'll mature and decide to do what's best for her health (and life). You are a good person to care so much but unfortunately, that's not going to help until she starts to care that much too.

[angel9165]

The envelope issue is another Celiac myth....envelopes do not contain wheat. There was a recent article detailing safe foods and some non-food items like this which should never worry Celiacs and I will find it and post a link. The envelope issue was one of the top Celiac myths in this article. It's not something we need to worry about at all.

I've always trusted Dr. Oz and my friend watched one of his shows where he said envelopes should not be licked by Celiac patients. Will read the article. Guess nobody can be right all of the time.

[luvs2eat]

I've always trusted Dr. Oz and my friend watched one of his shows where he said envelopes should not be licked by Celiac patients. Will read the article. Guess nobody can be right all of the time.

I don't lick envelopes because I read a medical journal article (with photos!) years ago where someone got a teeny paper cut when he licked an envelope... and there were some sort of microscopic eggs on the envelope where some insect had landed on it and the guy had gross larva or bugs in his tongue that grew and his tongue was all infected! BLECH!!

But back to the subject at hand. Do I cheat? Nope... never... not EVER!!

[Gemini]

I've always trusted Dr. Oz and my friend watched one of his shows where he said envelopes should not be licked by Celiac patients. Will read the article. Guess nobody can be right all of the time.

Dr. Oz is not any kind of authority on Celiac Disease. The show he had on the subject had errors in it and the fact that he used Elizabeth Hasselbeck as an authority on Celiac proved he's no different than most of the clueless physicians out there. The information on envelopes and the other foods listed have been Celiac myths for a long time but it's probably fear which keeps people thinking envelopes are dangerous. People can believe what they want but why make this lifestyle difficult when it doesn't have to be?

As for cheating......absolutely never, ever. Why would I want to induce diarrhea and severe intestinal cramping for some crappy gluten filled food when I can easily make the equivalent in it's gluten free form? I am almost 52 and when you get past 50, there's no fooling the body. You cheat, you pay hard. I hate being sick.

[Salax]

In all honesty, it is her body and if she wants to cheat and continue to consume gluten she can.

BUT if she wants to live a health, longer life, she needs to stop eating it.

I would ask her this, "IF your doc said you were a diabetic, would you continue to eat sugary foods?" She how she responds. The logical person would say no. The emotional person who I think is attached to food would say maybe. The person in denial would say yes.

Perhaps, she is punishing herself?

Perhaps she is in denial, perhaps she is attached to food, or perhaps she doesn't understand the ramifications of her decision. A lot of people have suggested she is immature, this is possible too.

Any which you swing it, she shouldn't be cheating. EVER.

But the above might help understand why she is hurting herself. I know that when I was diagnosed my doc told me to go on a lite gluten free diet. Had I been completely ignorant of what Celiac Disease was and taken his word. I'd be gluten free lite right now.

Maybe you need to dig a little deeper and really your awesome for coming here and taking the time to care. But you also can not allow yourself to be dragged down by her decisions. So there may be a point when you say, "I love you, but I can't watch you kill yourself."

Best of luck!

[Korwyn]

seriously....I have begun to wonder how many supposedly "mentally ill" people are not just ill from years of celiac--silent or otherwise

My Dad lived with Untreatable Chemical Depression for decades. The would change his meds periodically as they would stop working. At time of diagnosis he was on three different meds. Two years gluten-free/CF/SF and he is down to 1/2 dose of anti-anxiety med as needed.

[Skylark]

I don't cheat because gluten makes me sick.

I feel sorry for celiacs who cheat, just like I feel sorry for smokers. They are probably responding to the narcotic-like effect gluten and casein has on some people much as smokers are addicted to nicotine.

[IrishHeart]

My Dad lived with Untreatable Chemical Depression for decades. The would change his meds periodically as they would stop working. At time of diagnosis he was on three different meds. Two years gluten-free/CF/SF and he is down to 1/2 dose of anti-anxiety med as needed.

see...this is what I mean... and good for your Dad, K! Poor guy was just malnourished. Gosh, he must feel like a new man now!

The longer the malabsorption, the bigger the issues.

This is why when we go to the doctor with all these real symptoms, they reach for the pad to write an antidepressant script ...geesh! That won't solve the CAUSE!!

you know what I say?...Blame it on the gluten!

[Marilyn R]

I never eat poison on purpose! Only people with real bad mental issues would. Even most mentally ill people wouldn't.

Well stated.

[Fire Fairy]

you know what I say?...Blame it on the gluten!

I say that too!

I think Celiac Disease runs rampant in my family. My brother who studied law at Memphis State (I say this to point out that he was/is smart) was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in his late 20's. Knowing now that Mom and I have Celiac Disease one might think he would get tested since Type 1 Diabetes can be brought on by untreated Celiac Disease. But no, he refuses to be tested. He would rather be sick than give up his sweets (yes that's right sweets). He is 47 years old and I fear he's running low on time to mend his ways. Still it's his body his life, all I can do is share information and be there to visit him everytime he goes to the hospital.

If you love this woman you may someday be in the same place I am in with my brother. There isn't much you can do. From what I've read you are doing all you can.

[Chiana]

You can get gluten-free angel food cake. I saw one just the other day at the co-op grocery in East Lansing. You've just gotta know where to look.

[domesticactivist]

People tell you who they are. No amount of cleaning her cupboards or helping her shop is going to change this. The way she handles this conflict is the way she will handle other conflicts. The way she treats her own health is the way she will treat her children's health... should she ever recover enough to be able to have them. She may decide to change, but your help isn't going to do that for her.

I highly recommend the book "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. David Schnarch. This book completely changed my life. I used to think I was always in the right (well, I often was), and so much more "mature" than others I was close to (whether friends or lovers), always picking up the messes they made of things. Then I read this book and really took to heart the message in it about differentiation and the process of maturing in the context of a relationship. Even if the other person's behaviour was "wrong" and mine was "right" I was contributing to the problem - the other person's problems were feeding something in me.

It sounds like you can already feel this isn't a good fit for you. Here's the rub - you'll find someone else with issues just as major if you don't do some work on yourself, first. Listen to that nagging feeling. I do believe you will find someone who deserves your love, support, and partnership in life, which you are clearly willing to give. Unless this woman does a major 180, I doubt it's her. Read the book above and maybe even get some therapy to help you think it all through. You'll thank yourself for it... I did.

[sandsurfgirl]

People tell you who they are. No amount of cleaning her cupboards or helping her shop is going to change this. The way she handles this conflict is the way she will handle other conflicts. The way she treats her own health is the way she will treat her children's health... should she ever recover enough to be able to have them. She may decide to change, but your help isn't going to do that for her.

I highly recommend the book "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. David Schnarch. This book completely changed my life. I used to think I was always in the right (well, I often was), and so much more "mature" than others I was close to (whether friends or lovers), always picking up the messes they made of things. Then I read this book and really took to heart the message in it about differentiation and the process of maturing in the context of a relationship. Even if the other person's behaviour was "wrong" and mine was "right" I was contributing to the problem - the other person's problems were feeding something in me.

It sounds like you can already feel this isn't a good fit for you. Here's the rub - you'll find someone else with issues just as major if you don't do some work on yourself, first. Listen to that nagging feeling. I do believe you will find someone who deserves your love, support, and partnership in life, which you are clearly willing to give. Unless this woman does a major 180, I doubt it's her. Read the book above and maybe even get some therapy to help you think it all through. You'll thank yourself for it... I did.

It's nice to recommend a book to him, but it's a pretty big leap in logic to suggest HE is the one who needs therapy because he got involved with someone who has problems. He seems like a pretty together guy with a great head on his shoulders. He sees the problem, came here for answers and is taking all of our advice to heart. I think he sounds like a great catch who caught a rotten fish.

Throw her back to the pond and fish some more. Her silent symptoms won't be so silent forever. The human body can only withstand so much abuse. And when she gets really sick, YOU will be the one picking up the pieces. You will be the one finding empty wrappers of gluten containing treats while you have been her nurse maid for however long. Heck, my husband has a job with me sometimes because as well as I'm doing after 16 months gluten free, I still get issues especially if a restaurant glutens me. I can't imagine he would be too gracious about taking care of my ass if I was purposely making myself sick.