Supportive Spouses?

[Mjohnson73]

Hey all,

I have just recently started doing a gluten-free diet. (about a week and 1/2 now) My question for you all is what do I do to get my husband to understand how serious me being gluten-free is? I mean he was complaining today about the fact that I have to have my own butter and such since there might be crumbs in the other butter (he doesn't seem to think that cross-contamination is a big deal)... I am getting frustrated because of this...

And if my son has to go gluten-free too (depends on what the test results say and I might just put him on it even if he is negative since I know that the tests are not 100 % accurate)

then I am thinking of going gluten-free with my daughter as well (just to keep it fair between them..i.e. my son saying to me "How come catey and daddy get to eat x y or z, and I can't?" and him getting upset about it...since it will make him really upset about it..)

How do I get him to understand that it would be easier for me if everything in the house was gluten-free and that I am not trying to torture him or anything but I feel guilty if I want to say "I would like to have everything gluten-free"... maybe make him a box of stuff that is not gluten-free and let him keep it somewhere?

HELP!!!

I don't want to deal with his anger about me having to be gluten-free... my mom suggested i just do it and he can deal with it... but I feel bad about that...

Thanks in Advance

--Maya

[tarnalberry]

You wouldn't be making him angry - he would get angry all on his own. But the real question for him to answer is why a bit of inconvenience on his part is SO much more important than the health of you and your son? Perhaps he's in denial, perhaps he's scared, perhaps he's uneducated, perhaps he doesn't care. It may just take a lot of discussion to get him to buy in, but don't wait for that to start the gluten-free diet if it's needed.

[KaitiUSA]

I second Tiffany. You need to do what is best for you and your sons health. Maybe he should read up about celiac a bit and see what it can do if you are not extremely careful.

Does that mean make your husband go gluten free...no of course not..but he needs to be educated so he doesn't make you or your child sick.

If he reads up on it a bit he may understand, at this point it sounds like he is not understanding it and thinking your making " a big deal" about it or maybe he is afraid and in denial as Tiffany suggested.

[Jnkmnky]

I wouldn't make a non-celiac join in on the diet just to keep things "fair". Everyone's got issues, we all need to learn to deal with them and not expect the world to understand, or join in. There are many great coping skills that come along with this disease. As for your husband's disinterest, my opinion is to let it go. Why engage in a discussion about whether or not you need a separate stick of butter? How involved are most men? My husband wouldn't notice if I kept a bag of ticks in the fridge. If I told my husband I was keeping a stick of butter over here for the celiac kid and not to use it, he'd look at me like I'm an alien. For one thing, the guy doesn't use butter any more often than he uses my curling iron. Also, if I say don't use it...he won't. The husbands I know are neanderthals. Keep things simply, don't explain much and move along.

I totally do not agree with making a non-celiac eat gluten free unless they want to. If your husband wants soft, squishy potato bread he should have it. For four years my son was the only gluten free member of the house. He had his own butter, pb, cream cheese, etc. I wrote his name on it with a sharpie marker and told the husband don't use it. If he was going to make the gluten free kid food, use it then. We never had a cross contamination issue. I kept the gluten free food in a separate cabinet, a low one so the celiac kid had access to his own snacks. Recently the entire family went gluten free. gluten-free in the home only. Out to eat, the non-celiacs eat gluten. This was a result of reading the book Dangerous Grains. My husband wants certain foods, he's a grown man who can choose what he wants to eat, and I'm the stay at home mom who shops and gets him what he wants. So he eats some gluten full favorites and he refuses to be tested for the disease even though I and the two other kids have all been tested and are all neg.... Guess who's in denial. You know that saying, "Pick your battles"? I totally live by it. I suggest you do what you HAVE to do. You may HAVE to be gluten free, but you don't HAVE to fight about it.

[tarnalberry]

I wouldn't make a non-celiac join in on the diet just to keep things "fair".  Everyone's got issues, we all need to learn to deal with them and not expect the world to understand, or join in.  There are many great coping skills that come along with this disease.  As for your husband's disinterest, my opinion is to let it go.  Why engage in a discussion about whether or not you need a separate stick of butter?  How involved are most men?  My husband wouldn't notice if I kept a bag of ticks in the fridge.  If I told my husband I was keeping a stick of butter over here for the celiac kid and not to use it, he'd look at me like I'm an alien.  For one thing, the guy doesn't use butter any more often than he uses my curling iron.  Also, if I say don't use it...he won't.  The husbands I know are neanderthals.  Keep things simply, don't explain much and move along. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think that generalization does a disservice to men, however. My husband, and the husbands of my friends would certainly know if there were two instances of butter in the fridge, and would want to know, in that situation, which one was safe. If you don't discuss why it's important to use the uncontaminated butter, if the situation comes up, he may make the wrong decision. Not involving the other parent encourages that parent to be uninvolved with important decisions regarding the kids, and that seems like a counter productive idea. Of course, my statement there is made based both on the men I know, and without having kids, but many of the situations can be similar, as there's still the issue of gluten-free and non-gluten-free in the same kitchen there. And, it depends on the people involved.

As for not making everyone go gluten-free, I agree that it shouldn't be forced, and I apologize if I left that impression. I do think that, in most instances, since most things can be made gluten-free, there's no reason to cater to the person who wants wheat when others can't have it - in so far as I don't see a need to cook two pots of pasta when it's perfectly safe for the non-gluten-free'er to eat rice pasta. (I don't think having someone eating gluten-free is "subjecting" them to anything, but that's my opinion, and I realize others might think differently.) That's not to say that having gluten-laden items (like bread, and muffins (even homemade ones at times)) for the non-gluten-free'ers is a problem; we have bread, cereal, and snacks for my husband in our kitchen. Hmm... could I be any more confusing? ;-) It's really all about informed, appropriate, mature compromise.

[cgilsing]

I agree with Tarnalberry that in some instances it is just easier for everyone to eat gluten-free (such as in the case of pasta for dinner), but otherwise there is no need to force everyone to go 100% gluten free. My husband and I have seperate snacks for instance. He has Ritz crakers, whole wheat bread, and beer while I have nut thin crakers, home made bread and wine. For one thing gluten-free products are more expensive and he doesn't want to eat up my stash when he can eat the original! I don't have kids either though, so I'm sure it's a whole new set of issues. You should do what is best for your family and what everyone feels comfortable with.

As for your husbands feelings yours and your family's health comes first. Giving up gluten is a small price to pay for health. He will see that as time goes on and you and your child are healthier and happier!

Good Luck!

[ianm]

Well as a male celiac here is what I did. My wife just did not comprehend the disease at all. I didn't try to force her to adopt the gluten-free diet but did try to get her to understand the need to prevent cross contamination. That went in one ear and straight out the other. After months of failing to get her to understand I said the heck with it and filed for divorce. I wasted the first 36 years of my life because of this and did not want to waste any more. Sending her packing was the best decision I ever made next to going gluten-free. I traded her in for a terrific girlfreind who understands celiac completely. She doesn't eat gluten-free but is very careful about it when I am around which is all I asked for.

That is pretty extreme but it wasn't worth the risk keeping her around.

[swittenauer]

When I found out my husband had Celiac it was just a natural reaction for me to learn all that I can & help him in anyway possible because I love him so much & want him to be well. The only reason that I could think of for your husband to be that way is simply not understanding. As soon as I read about it before he was diagnosed, I knew how serious it was & knew that I had to do all that I could to understand it so we both could figure out what was the proper diet for him. I turned my husband onto this website & we have both learned so much. I would think you should ask him to take a look around the forum & maybe he could understand & would be more willing to make little sacrifices to help out his family & help them stay healthy.

[elonwy]

It takes time and patience. It's still freaking my bf out, but I'm just patient with him. We went through the whole kitchen - I told him "keep what you want, i'm giving the rest away."

We divided up the shelves so his foods on one side and mine is on the other 2 shelves.

When I cook - I cook gluten-free - if he wants to eat at home, he eats what I cook. He has his own utensils, I have mine. They are in seperate places. He can cook his own food if he wants to.

Except for one disastrous meal, he's liked everything I've made that's gluten-free. If he wants to add bread to his meal or anything, he does it- I don't even touch it.

I've found that introducing rules slowly helps, when I first started explaining kitchen rules I bombarded him with stuff and he turtled on me cause it was too much to deal with.

I'm still discovering things I didn't even think about - like cat food. It's a process just for us to figure this stuff out, let alone them.

You and your health are more important than anything. That's the bottom line.

Elonwy

[Jnkmnky]

I think that generalization does a disservice to men, however.  My husband, and the husbands of my friends would certainly know if there were two instances of butter in the fridge, and would want to know, in that situation, which one was safe.  If you don't discuss why it's important to use the uncontaminated butter, if the situation comes up, he may make the wrong decision.  Not involving the other parent encourages that parent to be uninvolved with important decisions regarding the kids, and that seems like a counter productive idea.  Of course, my statement there is made based both on the men I know, and without having kids, but many of the situations can be similar, as there's still the issue of gluten-free and non-gluten-free in the same kitchen there.  And, it depends on the people involved.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I do mention the two sticks of butter to my husband. He understands enough to keep the celiac kid gluten free. I don't expect him to comprehend this stuff on the emotional level of a mom. Men and women are different and deal with things according to these differences. And generalizing the behavior of men isn't a disservice to men. Not accepting these differences is a disservice to women who try to change them. I've been with my guy for 18 years. My friends have all been together with theirs as long and longer. Men are going to be more passionate about football games than about the daily struggle of remaining gluten free. Sure, they'll get into it to some degree, but look around this site. It's mostly women with celiac. wives and mothers OF celiacs and a few men. Good for those men! But they're the exception. Some men pop in here, get some basic info and split with the bare essential survival skills they need to keep themselves alive. Tarnalberry, I totally appreciate your point of view. You say yourself that you don't have kids. Having them changes the dynamics of your roles. I'm not saying men are worthless, or useless or can't help. I'm saying that MOM takes on the burden of the gluten free responsibility. Even if mom works, makes more than dad, mom is still the one who can handle this the best. Generally. Sometimes that's not true. Vydorscope is a perfect example. He's awesome. I don't think Maya was saying that her husband is sabatogeing her attempt to remain gluten free.... that would be evil and indifferent. What I was reading was more of a resistence to accepting the changes a gluten free diet necessitates. It sounds like her husband thinks this is going to be too difficult to deal with. I find the best approach to that kind of attitude from my husband is to come up with the solution myself, tell my husband the way it's going to work, show him how simple this will be for him, and ask if he has any questions. **like this-- "I bought a butter dish for me and the celiac kid. I'm going to keep it on this shelf away from your butter. Don't use our butter because, apparently, gluten containing crumbs are enough to do damage to our bodies. Ok? " Then my husband would say, **" So my butter will be where it always is?". And I would assure him it would be. He'd be able to find his butter if he needed it. Peace and harmony would reign in my Queendom.

[tarnalberry]

I find the best approach to that kind of attitude from my husband is to come up with the solution myself, tell my husband the way it's going to work, show him how simple this will be for him, and ask if he has any questions.  **like this--  "I bought a butter dish for me and the celiac kid.  I'm going to keep it on this shelf away from your butter.  Don't use our butter because, apparently, gluten containing crumbs are enough to do damage to our bodies.  Ok? "  Then my husband would say, **" So my butter will be where it always is?".  And I would assure him it would be.  He'd be able to find his butter if he needed it.  Peace and harmony would reign in my Queendom.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Interesting. My husband wouldn't work well with that approach (but I totally accept that other people would! definitely not questioning that), and wouldn't respond that way about the butter. (Not better or worse, just different.) But that's the great thing about life - a fabulous variety of people! :-)

[Jnkmnky]

Yeah, well... I was reading Maya's post and saw my husband in it. I don't think he's a bad husband, and I don't think Maya needs to be getting frustrated.

[Mjohnson73]

Yeah, well... I was reading Maya's post and saw my husband in it.  I don't think he's a bad husband, and I don't think Maya needs to be getting frustrated.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey all,

ok I didn't mean to cause an argument here... I am sorry I caused so much strife in the boards...

I didn't mean to... I was venting and just trying to get some advice....it is still all new to me too (since I haven't been on the gluten-free diet for that long yet...

again.. I am sorry for causing so much arguments

maybe I shouldn't post again until i learn more from reading others posts...

--Maya

[swittenauer]

I don't think anyone is mad. I just think it is a touchy topic & people take stances on it & stick with it. I think overall everyone wants to help but we all go about it in different ways. I have only been on here a few weeks but I have found so far that everyone seems to be very helpful & full of tips & such. Stick with it & keep researching. I think your husband will come around when he realized what a serious disease this really is.

[cgilsing]

Maya!

We are all here to support each other....they are fine...just having a conversation! We have all gained so much knowledge and support from our friends on this board because we can say what we want to without feeling uncomfortable. Feel free to post about anything you want to! We are all here to help each other and we love hearing from new friends!

[Jnkmnky]

Who's mad? Not me!

[KaitiUSA]

Hey all,

ok I didn't mean to cause an argument here... I am sorry I caused so much strife in the boards...

I didn't mean to... I was venting and just trying to get some advice....it is still all new to me too (since I haven't been on the gluten-free diet for that long yet...

again.. I am sorry for causing so much arguments

maybe I shouldn't post again until i learn more from reading others posts...

--Maya

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is place where you can vent and share your feelings. There will be some different approaches and everyone is welcome to share them on here.

If you have any questions at all you can ask them here. The whole point of the board is to help people learn and support them.

I don't think anybody really got mad either.

[tarnalberry]

Hey all,

ok I didn't mean to cause an argument here... I am sorry I caused so much strife in the boards...

I didn't mean to... I was venting and just trying to get some advice....it is still all new to me too (since I haven't been on the gluten-free diet for that long yet...

again.. I am sorry for causing so much arguments

maybe I shouldn't post again until i learn more from reading others posts...

--Maya

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Please don't feel like you shouldn't post. I don't think we've got any mad/upset people - just a friendly discussion over different ways of dealing with different situations. That's always a good thing! (I'm a fan of learning from other's experience, and I probably wouldn't ordinarily think to handle the situation jnkmnky described the way she did, but it works for her, and now I have one more "tool" in my "toolbox" if I find myself in that situation because she shared that and we discussed some of the ins and outs and whatnots, which is great!)

Please feel free to post as much as you want to/need to! :-)

[Jnkmnky]

I think the goal is to find a way for our spouses to participate in this gluten free lifestyle that is comfortable for them. Some want to join the gluten free movement in the home, while others would prefer to leave their diets full of gluten. Some may want to know all the details of the daily struggle to remain gluten free, while others want minimum information. I don't think any way of dealing with this is wrong. Except hostile sabatoge....that's just weird. Benign neglect isn't really a great alternative, either.

Being "supportive" doesn't mean altering your lifestyle, going gluten free, scouring the internet for hours, educating yourself to the degree the Celiac or the primary caretaker must be... You can show support just by accepting the disease exists in the other person even if you don't learn all about it. Sure a parent needs to learn enough not to poison a child, but I come at this from the standpoint of a stay at home mom. This really is my responsibility. My husband knows what he needs to know. He certainly doesn't need to know all I know. He doesn't shop, he doesn't prepare meals, he doesn't cook. He's not a creep- he'll help out when I need him to. He's supportive. I don't know the daily grind of his job. I still support him at his work.

Sometimes people think that if their significant other isn't significantly interested in their "stuff", then there's a problem. I don't believe that. I honestly can't tell anyone what the last three projects my husband worked on involved. I can't listen to the details--they put me to sleep. BUT if he had a crappy day, I know that and support his need for some sympathy, or a junk dessert, or 15 minutes of downtime before the kids are unleashed on him. Just because I don't know the details doesn't mean I don't support him. If a spouse cannot be equally involved with the celiac kid because of work (gender-I still think men are generally less inclined to take this on to the degree a woman will) etc, I think that's understandable.

For my husband, offering solutions is a good way to go.

I hope everyone finds the solution that fits their family dynamic.

[bluesky8130]

We just found out for sure that my hubby has Celiac and I have told him when he started going through the testing process that if it was positive, I would do the diet with him.

I want to show my support for him and I thought it would be easier if we both did it, that way I wouldn't have to cook twice or anything. Also that way he wouldn't feel like he is missing out on anything.

[VydorScope]

As one of the few HUSBANDS that read threads like this, I am always tempted to scream at ppl that say stuff so harshly about men. I know none of it is meant to cause that reaction, but I wonder if you know how you sound? Most times I dont reply because I feel like I have to jump to the defense, and I do not want to cause a fight. Do not worry I am not mad, and I realize there ARE jerks out there that happen to be so poor womans husband, but most of us are not like that.

First off, most men work better if you change YOUR (as in the wife) way of presenting it. It is more of a communications issue then a emotional or caring issue. The key is not that the men care more about footbal (if they care more about football then their childern thats a serious issue!), its that they understand the way football is presented. Everyone, male and female, tend to hate/fear/distance themselve from what they do not understand. Its human nature.

Instead of appealing to your husband the way you understand it, aproach it like its a game, or a challenge. Go to him with a PROBLEM, that he can FIX. Most men love to FIX things for thier wives. So present "gluten-free" as a issue that needs fixing. Istead of stuff like "Honey YOU CANT DO THATT! AKLSJFLKSA!! DONT YOU CARE???" , try stuff like "Honey, we need to find a way to keep the butter from getting crumbs in it, what do you think we should do?" Once he sees it as a problem that needs his fixing, most of the time most men will love to "fix" it. Thats actually the main way most men show how much love they have.

Woman are much better at comminications then men in general, so use that to your advantage. There is nothing wrong with that, its how your made, and part of what got you married.

Of course one must point out this that anything like this can only be applied in GENERAL as everyone falls in a little different pigeon hole in life....

[VydorScope]

As for the issue about the whole house being gluten-free, I aggree.. thats not needed. We did in my house becuase its simpler. With at toddler you dont have nearly as mcuh control over what goes in his mouth as all the experts tell you you have.... so we just provide an enviroment without any gluten to save us all some stress. Daddy's dont like changeing 5-7 runny diapers a day any more then Mommy's do!

[Guest gfinnebraska]

I agree, Vincent, with everything you said. There are times when my husband says something and my reply is,"Here is how I took that...is that what you meant?"

And his answer is usually, "No! I meant..." Communication is the key.

My home is not gluten-free ~ I think that would be unfair to the 4 who can eat gluten vs. me who can not. I bake, cook and spoil them rotten on a daily basis. When I DO make something gluten-free, they are more than happy to leave it alone due to the fact that they have goodies of their own! As far as the butter, etc. issue ~ write your name on one, buy another brand, etc. It isn't that hard of an issue. Divorce is a little extreme! My Mom was visiting and "double dipped" her knife in my peanut butter. She did not even THINK about it. It was just second nature for her. So, she now has peanut butter at my home when she wants it! Ha! I have a new jar! It ia all a learning curve. Takes time, but it can be done. I have my own utensil jar, own drawer for my pots, pans, etc. I have my own toaster, cutting board, etc.

Maya: Just give your husband time. This is all new to him as well, and it will take some learning. Maybe he can have his own "space" in your kitchen for his gluten items, and you can keep the rest gluten-free. Give and take is the key to any situation and happy relationship. Good luck!! AND, please feel free to vent. IF feelings get hurt, we are all adults and apologies can be given.

[beelzebubble]

you've been gluten-free for 1 1/2 weeks. this is going to be a learning process for both of you. i have to say that when i first went gluten free, my hubby was supportive but thought i was being an extremist. his motto was everything in moderation. he did what i asked, but only just. however, he did consent to eat gluten free at dinner and i thank him for that. going gluten-free was much easier because of it.

the big change in him came the first time i got glutenated. the snapple incident. i got so sick that i threw up all over the floor in our office. he cleaned it up (the doll) and took right good care of me. i haven't heard a single complaint about keeping things seperate since .

you could try having your doctor talk to your husband. other than that, it might just take some time.

[tarnalberry]

Instead of appealing to your husband the way you understand it, aproach it like its a game, or a challenge. Go to him with a PROBLEM, that he can FIX. Most men love to FIX things for thier wives. So present "gluten-free" as a issue that needs fixing. Istead of stuff like "Honey YOU CANT DO THATT! AKLSJFLKSA!! DONT YOU CARE???" , try stuff like "Honey, we need to find a way to keep the butter from getting crumbs in it, what do you think we should do?" Once he sees it as a problem that needs his fixing, most of the time most men will love to "fix" it. Thats actually the main way most men show how much love they have.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's the type of approach my husband prefers - joint problem solving for even those kinds of problems. (Of course, he has to have at least a passing interesting in the problem, but the health and well-being of the family is usually enough to provide a passing interest unless it's otherwise an extraordinarily unappealing problem.) I'm sure plenty of people - male and female - don't care for that approach for many types of problems, too.

(Ironically, this can be a negative at the times when I feel like "discussing" things I'm thinking about (well, I call it "discussing", he calls it "rehashing over and over and over again; do something about it already!" ;-) ) and leads us to a situation where I just want to talk and talk and talk and he just wants to act. Different needs for different people. ;-) Once I'm ready for action though... away we go! :-D )