My Husband Doesn't Get It

[eborzecki]

My husband doesn't understand why I don't want to go to parties, especially his family. Some of them know I have Celiac others don't he doesn't think I should go around telling everyone, and if I do say something he gets upset.

Its a loose/loose situation for me and I am so sick and tired about it. I have been diagnosed with Celiac 3 months ago, and it has been a rocky road. Especially since I lost 60% of my hair and just learned why going gluten free was not helping (who would have thought to buy gluten free shampoo).

His parents know I have Celiac, and we went to a party last weekend, I set by his dad and only took potatoes and a salad barbecue I knew everything else was unsafe, and in front of everyone his dad says that I should take some meat, that it wont hurt me, and that I can always rinse it out in water. I told him no thank you and went on eating, and then he brings me a beer and opens it up and gives up to me telling me that it won't hurt me, and of course the cake with him and others asking why I am not eating and that I should finally stop dieting (I was on a diet and lost 60lbs in 13 weeks last year, they think I am still trying to do it and am just covering it up with this)

I am sick and tired of going to parties and watching everyone eat, my husband doesn't think bringing my own food looks good, but I can't eat anything and if we are there for a while I do get hungry especially when I see everyone eat. Then of course is the fact that people look at me like I am an alien and unappreciative because I don't eat the food.

We have a party this weekend and I don't want to go, but he doesn't understand why. I am sick and tired of explaining this, he doesn't understand that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, and its not easy.

We have been together for 6 years, and have two kids, I love him but I am starting to think this marriage will never work, because of this. I can't keep on shedding tears over this and been depressed.

What is wrong with bringing my own food? Standing up for me? What is wrong with telling people that I have Celiac and can't eat what they are eating?

[maximoo]

Say what my DD says "It messes me up!" end of story. Chg the subject @ the party. If ppl insist on knowing how it messes you up--get gory & see how fast they'll want to chg the subject.

As for ur husband has he ever gone with you to the Dr? Sometimes when info comes from a Dr it has more validity to some ppl. If your Dr. explains to him how how body attacks itself would it hold more water in his mind? Or maybe some videos or literature about Get the knowledg into his head then some understanding will occur. And simply ask him "Why do you want me to be sick?" or tell him to complete this sentence: "I want you to be sick & feel like crap because____________"

he"ll be speechless.

Good Luck!

[NorthernElf]

Most of us have been were you are. You're fairly new to all this & pissed off..THAT I get !!! lol

It takes awhile to learn to cope & even just accept this mess - no longer eating what you want, heck, just no longer being able to eat safely out. It also takes awhile for those around you to truly accept it as well. The more consistent you are, the more firm about it you are, and the more they see you sick (& then well) - the more they get it.

Having said that, you need to make your own game plan. I DO bring food with me. I have 3 kids, 2 of which are hockey players. That means a lot of games and many of them out of town, some in places with very few restaurants. It doesn't bother me to take food into a restaurant when everyone else is ordering.....most of the time.......because I need to eat and they are already paying for food. I have been at this for 10 years & in that time I've travelled to England & Scotland, around the States, and here in Canada. It is my responsibility to look after my eating, prepare for it, find groceries near where we are staying or pack ahead.

It sucks yes but I know that if I am not prepared & hungry, I am more likely to through caution to the wind & just eat something....not something obviously gluteny but something that could be (& likely is) contaminated. I'm not happy when I get glutened, pretty miserable actually. My DH has become very understanding.........but it did take time. Still, at this point, my own parents don't really get it & that hurts but we don't live near them & it always comes down to the fact that I have to look after myself.

Be careful you don't close doors to social situations because of this - it is possible to get out and attend parties & before long people will just know why you are eating your own food. There are lots of goodies & food get togethers where I work and no one bats an eye anymore when I show with my own food or don't eat.

[lynnelise]

You really need to sit down and have a talk with your husband about why he is acting this way. Celiac disease is a medical condition and it's not something to be embarrassed of. I can't understand why he doesn't want you to discuss it and gets upset when you do. Another factor is that it can be genetic so there is a chance your kids may inherit it and if so they too will need his understanding.

It sounds like his whole family needs educated on the illness. At the next party, I would insist on bringing my own food...that way people will see that you aren't dieting to lose weight. If someone is offended that you won't try their dish try asking if they'd treat someone allergic to nuts the same way for avoiding a dish? It's ridiculous to expect someone to harm their health to avoid hurt feelings. Tell your husband if he thinks just saying you have celiac is so bad just wait until you tell these food pushers EXACTLY what will happen to you if you eat gluten. Explain that if he won't let you tell them about your illness beforehand and he won't let you bring food you would have no choice but to explain in graphic detail why you are passing on a dish.

[Kansas]

Please don't let this disease rob you of any more than it already has. I think what you are feeling is part of the recovery, most of us have been there. It does get better, I felt like you for awhile, now that I am healthy again, it doesn't bother me a bit when I take my own food or have to explain why I can't have most items served. I keep it short and polite. Your husband is having to adjust and when he sees the difference in your health, he will realize how right you are, just be patience with everyone, they will get it... hopefully someday. This crap is not going to destroy my relationships with people I care about, or going to social situations.

[Metoo]

My husband doesn't understand why I don't want to go to parties, especially his family. Some of them know I have Celiac others don't he doesn't think I should go around telling everyone, and if I do say something he gets upset.

Its a loose/loose situation for me and I am so sick and tired about it. I have been diagnosed with Celiac 3 months ago, and it has been a rocky road. Especially since I lost 60% of my hair and just learned why going gluten free was not helping (who would have thought to buy gluten free shampoo).

His parents know I have Celiac, and we went to a party last weekend, I set by his dad and only took potatoes and a salad barbecue I knew everything else was unsafe, and in front of everyone his dad says that I should take some meat, that it wont hurt me, and that I can always rinse it out in water. I told him no thank you and went on eating, and then he brings me a beer and opens it up and gives up to me telling me that it won't hurt me, and of course the cake with him and others asking why I am not eating and that I should finally stop dieting (I was on a diet and lost 60lbs in 13 weeks last year, they think I am still trying to do it and am just covering it up with this)

I am sick and tired of going to parties and watching everyone eat, my husband doesn't think bringing my own food looks good, but I can't eat anything and if we are there for a while I do get hungry especially when I see everyone eat. Then of course is the fact that people look at me like I am an alien and unappreciative because I don't eat the food.

We have a party this weekend and I don't want to go, but he doesn't understand why. I am sick and tired of explaining this, he doesn't understand that I have to live with this for the rest of my life, and its not easy.

We have been together for 6 years, and have two kids, I love him but I am starting to think this marriage will never work, because of this. I can't keep on shedding tears over this and been depressed.

What is wrong with bringing my own food? Standing up for me? What is wrong with telling people that I have Celiac and can't eat what they are eating?

I don't really like taking food to parties either just for me, I think it just looks weird, unless I know the people well and they know I am gluten-free. So I will eat before we go or else I bring a dish for everyone that is gluten free.

If you are being inundated with questions, then answer them! I mean people ask me, I briefly discuss how I was fairly symptomless, and how it got worse overtime...and then the rash and how my skin peels of to raw flesh for several weeks...and then no one asks me the rest of the night! People just don't understand. I get asked everytime we go to a party, often with the same people we see over and over or family.

Describe to his dad how that beer will hurt you exactly what happens when your body sees gluten. By informing people they will eventually either leave you alone, or come to understand. Just continue to politely decline. I don't think your husband should have to defend answers about your health.

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Tell your husband that hiding about celiac, isn't helping anyone including his kids (who may likely have it), there needs to be more understanding about it. Tell him that flat out, you will be answering peoples questions truthfully and that if he doesn't like that, then you won't be attending the party, or you will be eating before hand.

[kwylee]

What is wrong with bringing my own food? Standing up for me? What is wrong with telling people that I have Celiac and can't eat what they are eating?

Nothing.

[Hopeful1950]

Oh man, I feel your pain! It has taken a year and 1/2 for my husband to truly get it.

My husband: Early on he got sick of hearing the same old explanations time and time again. He just wanted to have a normal night out with friends without having to hear about celiac/DH. A few months ago he had to go on a restricted diet due to gastric reflux and now he gets it. He even gets all proud when he discovers something yummy and gluten free at the store. My feelings really got hurt a lot in the beginning, but he just didn't understand about cross contamination etc. It was hard on him to give up gluten (we have a strict gluten free household) when he didn't even have celiac. He has realized a benefit from being gluten-free most of the time: his joint pain has diminished greatly and he is now avoiding gluten even out of the house. Don't throw away a long-term relationship over this crappy (pun intended) disease.

Going to restaurants or to family/friends: This is a tough one. Some want to try to prepare something for me. On the opposite end of the spectrum,I have actually had people get a big slice of bread and butter it and munch on it and laugh in my face! Many people don't even consider me when choosing a restaurant. With the exception of the mean people who make jokes, I have accepted that I can't expect other people to understand or think about dietary restrictions that don't apply to them. I am not really comfortable bringing food into a restaurant, so I usually eat my gluten-free dinner in the truck on the way if my husband is driving. If going alone, I arrive early, sit in the car with some good music, and eat my gluten-free food. I love Grand Marnier, so I sip on it while I socialize at dinner in the restaurant. Giving up gluten has not been that hard for me, but I dearly miss going into a restaurant and having great food. I love food and especially love someone bringing it to me!

I have a one page sheet with facts about celiac (symptoms etc) and the gluten-free diet (cross contamination etc). If someone is really interested I give it to them. I have found that my true friends have really taken an interest. I also have rehearsed a very short, concise speech that I use when people start asking questions. That way I get it over with so the fun can start.

Take good care of yourself...

[Kjas]

I would come straight out and ask him if peoples perception of him and you matter to him more than your health does.

If he says that peoples perceptions are more important, I would leave. If he truly believes that peoples perceptions are more important that your health, then why on earth would you want to stay with a man who is willing to make you sick just so he can look "normal"?

If he says your health is more important but does this again at parties, I would remind him that he agreed that your health comes first over peoples perceptions.

I'm sorry if this is too direct, but this is really the issue here because it sounds like there is more to this than just the fact that you have celiac disease. If he is still in denial about your celiac disease or he doesn't understand it, then that's a different matter.

If he truly doesn't understand celiac, tell him that gluten acts tantamount to poison in your body. He wouldn't willing try to get you to eat arsenic, would he? Why is gluten any different?

If he's in denial, then there's not that much you can do about that except take him to a specialist and have them explain it to him in person. Denial is really his issue, not yours as only he can work through it.

[BrittLoves2Run]

I know this probably doesn't sound like much of a relief but I was just diagnosed on 1/24 and my boyfriend and I broke up on 1/29. We'd been together for about 10 months and while we DID have other issues, this was the straw that broke the camels back. He got very mad at me because I did not want to go to his parents for dinner and it just escalated from there. I really think like the others have said, you need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart with your Husband. My boyfriend just didn't get it, and I really think it'll be easier FOR ME PERSONALLY to go through this alone, at least in the beginning. best of luck to you.

[Katrala]

Make an appointment with the doctor and have him go with you.

If you're not comfortable bringing your own food to an event be sure to eat before you go so you're not hungry.

When I was first learning to navigate gluten-free I would tell people that I was still in the "learning" phase and was being extra careful until I knew if something was definitely gluten-free or not (brands I'd never researched, etc.)

If things don't improve I'd take a look at whether this could be the sign of a different problem and he's just taking it out on your diagnosis.

[Aly1]

My in laws don't really get it but I found that if I say "My doctor says I can't have it" it makes a big difference. A lot of people put a lot of weight in what docs think/say. You might try that so that it looks like the doc is depriving you of something you'd ordinarily want...

I am going to a Superbowl party this weekend - the first social event I've been to since going gluten-free. I haven't figured out what I'll say yet but I do plan to eat well before I go and then stick to water while I'm there...

[kwylee]

My in laws don't really get it but I found that if I say "My doctor says I can't have it" it makes a big difference.

I think that's ingenious!

[Aly1]

By the way, realize that this is a hard adjustment for your hubby too. I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and let him know just how hard all of this is for you, and how much you need him to understand that you don't have a choice here - its not like you're being a picky eater. It sounds like maybe he doesn't fully get the reality of your illness and is resentful of the difficult situations it's creating. Be understanding of how he's feeling, and really explain the gravity of the situation and how it's all affecting you. If you do that in a totally open, non-confrontational way he will hopefully be able to hear you. And maybe the two of you can come up with some creative ways to handle the things that come your way. Good luck!

[Aly1]

I think that's ingenious!

Why thank you

[Skylark]

What is wrong with bringing my own food? Standing up for me? What is wrong with telling people that I have Celiac and can't eat what they are eating?

Nothing is wrong with doing any of that. That's what we have to do to survive in a world that seems filled with nothing but wheat.

I love the idea of bringing your husband to the doctor. It sounds sort of like he is in denial.

[Poppi]

You absolutely need to stand up for yourself and bring food.

My husband is 100% on board. He has gone gluten free with me unless he is out with friends and then he comes home and washes his hands and face and brushes his teeth before he'll even come and give me a hug and a kiss. That kind of support is invaluable and you deserve to have it from your husband.

I pack food unless I am positive there will be something safe for me and even then I usually have a backup plan.

We are going to a wedding in a few weeks. There is no way for the caterers to accomodate me and it's out in the boonies. My kids are both in the wedding party so we can't jsut show up for the ceremony then bail. I will be taking a cooler with sushi/sashimi, sunomono, a thermos of green tea and a nice gluten free dessert. I even pack my own proper plate, cutlery and mug in there. Just because I can't eat the same food as everyone else does not mean I am going to eat a PBJ out of a baggie and a Lara bar while everyone else eats a delicious meal. I deserve a nice meal too and I think enough of myself to make sure I get it.

People look at me funny and the braver people will actually ask. I just tell them I have celiac and the food they are eating will make me very sick so I brought my own. I have never, ever had anyone complain or tell me off.

You go ahead and take food and make sure it's good food. You deserve to eat at least as well as everyone else!

[Roda]

There is nothing wrong with bringing your own food that is safe. What you need to do is take charge and do what is necessary for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, even hubby. I'm the type of person who doesn't really care what people think of me bringing my own stuff. If asked, I keep my answer short and to the point. Hub has mixed feelings about your diagnosis too and needs to accept it also. It sounds like you two need to talk to work it out. It's a change for the whole family and it just takes longer for some to understand.

[Monael]

I guess I will never understand why people care so much whether someone is eating or not. I am sorry you have to go through this. It seems reasonable to either eat right before you get there so that you aren't hungry. I have done this many times. So far so good that I haven't had anyone ask me why I am not eating. My prepared response is that I am not hungry. I wonder how they would be if the main course was peanut butter & jelly and a guest was allergic to peanuts?? Marriage is supposed to be about two becoming one, so your problems are theoretically his, right? Maybe ask him how he would deal with it if he was the one with celiac?

[GlutenFreeNewB]

A lot of this just takes time. My boyfriend rolled his eyes at first, thinking I was just jumping on the "gluten free" bandwagon. Going to a restaurant became a source of stress when it used to be so enjoyable. He would roll his eyes when I asked if they had a gluten free menu. Now, three months later, he's the one that asks for a gluten free menu and talks to them about cross contamination. Slowly, my family members are coming around. I tell them that I wish I could eat what they're eating, but I feel so much better since I've given it up. I went to a super bowl party and told the hostess before I got there that I would be bringing gluten free food to share. I hated to bring it up at first, but now I don't have an issue and everyone I know knows about it and most are supportive (not at work though - for some reason it really bugs one guy I work with).

[biancanera]

I agree that it's not fair at all when other people have more of an issue with your stomach issue than even you do! Ever since my diagnosis I've had more problems with my family than I used to. My grandmother is the hardest person about it - she has it stuck in her head that unless she makes something for me that I'm just starving myself? So she takes it upon herself to make me things all the time - loaded with gluten. She's old and I understand that she doesn't understand such a relatively new to society illness, but it does bother me that she tries to force bread and pasta on me. I know that in her time where she grew up, they were staples for stomach issues but she just refuses to understand where I'M coming from. I try to tell her that I can have rice and vegetables and healthy things like that if she wants to make me something but she just gets depressed and says she wishes I would get better soon and be able to eat her pasta again and she feels so bad for me.

Honestly, the only person not sad about my own diagnosis is me - I'm happy to finally feel better after a decade of being sick every day. But everyone else sees it as I'm some kind of cripple for the rest of my life and through the way they treat me it makes ME feel bad. My grandfather even tried to push bread on me and got ANGRY with me when I told him my doctor told me I can't have bread anymore. I've shed tons of tears over it. I wish other people would get over their preconceived notions and simply UNDERSTAND what it's like for us. Especially my grandfather - who has high cholesterol and has to eat a restrictive diet himself!

It also makes me not want to eat with my family anymore, because whenever I go to my grandparents' to eat, I'm afraid they're slipping some kind of gluten food in my dinners in a misguided attempt to make me "better". My own mom didn't accept my diagnosis at first. She called her own doctor to dispute "false positives" and to tell me all about how I could really not have this issue at all. It's so hard not to get angry and be like, sorry but hello! I'm feeling better not eating that junk, and all my tests were textbook positive, what more proof do you need?? And why would you dispute my medical issue with YOUR doctor in the first place?! And when they all go out for family dinners, it's always someplace I definitely can't eat without contamination. It's just all around rough when you don't have the support you need.

[Austin Guy]

I just tell people that I have multiple severe food allergies and if I don't prepare it, I don't eat it. People don't understand celiac or intolerances, but they understand allergies.

[biancanera]

I just tell people that I have multiple severe food allergies and if I don't prepare it, I don't eat it. People don't understand celiac or intolerances, but they understand allergies.

Yes, that's how I refer to it at work when people seem confused about it. It works just fine! Maybe not at home, they're a little slow about it but with my coworkers it has definitely helped!